Reflections of.....
So, back here at home for about 3 weeks now. There are a lot of things that contrast in my mind that I think about constantly - how lucky I am to have been born in America, lucky that in America education is mostly mandatory and not a choice, how thankful I am to have had any choices, period. America is the greatest country on earth - sure we have our problems and things can always improve - but there are a lot of places that are distinctly worse. One of the things that I love about traveling is that it reinforces all the good things that I have here - it forces me to say, "I am one lucky fucker to have the wonderful things, people, opportunities that I do here. I say that, because I have seen first hand that millions of people around the world simply don't have those same things. And it makes me angry and guilty. Why am I so lucky to have been born American and receive the jackpot? That is how Africans view America - the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. After living in Africa - you understand why.
The thing about being in a place like Tanzania, is that while it isn't America, there are some superb things that you learn quickly. The landscape and the abundant nature that is there, it's intrinsic to everything as is the language and dancing. People in Africa sing and dance and express joy and happiness like I have never seen. They are not as capitalist as we are in the West. They don't stripmallify their culture and try to make their society uniform and economical - here in America we tend to throw up our cookie cutter developments, strip malls, movie theatres and isolate ourselves from each other. Take my parent's condo complex. I myself lived there for years and I can't tell you anything about more than 2 of their neighbors. Americans say that we champion individuality, but we really champion a self-centered existence. We should know our neighbors, we should have community - why? Because man isn't made to be a selfish unit in isolation. The people in African community were the poorest of the poor - and yet some of the happiest I have ever seen. How is that possible? Well, it is possible because they are present and thankful for what they do have - their families, faith and community.
I think a lot about being present - I am generally terrible at it. In my travels I have been realizing that we are all bound together as human beings and we all have a moral responsibility to help each other and our planet. When you go to Africa and see the sins of our colonial past - it makes you realize - yes, we have hurt these people and they deserve to be helped - we have an obligation to provide to help these people. I want to help. I want to travel more to places outside my comfort zone. I want to do more mission work.
I have been reguarly watching the reality series by Morgan Spurlock, the guy who created SuperSize Me. The series has an excellent premise - live, do, engage in things that are so far out of the comfort level. The most recent one really hit home - Living on the Navajo nation for 30 days. I spoke to my brother a little about Africa and how I plan to help, my church is doing a project to provide money for wells in Sub-Saharan Africa and I am very excited to participate and do whatever I can to help. James responded "We need help here too". He's right. I try to give money to the Red Cross as much as I can - when I can tolerate the endless calls I get from the New Jersey BloodSuckers, I mean BloodBank, I go to give blood - there are a lot of ways to help. As a teacher I have been kind of trained to think of September as New Year's Day - there are several things I want to do better this year - I want to give and help more. To my people and to other people. As that fat bastard eating Quaker Oatmeal says (Wilford Brimley) "It's the right thing to do".
Life otherwise has been very busy. Camp has been really good but difficult. Now that I am going to be working with my friend Jess in the fall, she is watching how I teach very closely. My other friend Jamie has 10 years teaching experience teaching little ones under her belt and they have been giving me suggestions. Yesterday I was teaching 2nd grade girls and it wasn't going well, they weren't particularly listening to me well. I raised my voice, tried to be goofy, some of the things that work well as a high school teacher - but largely ineffective as a elementary teacher. I am a sensitive person when it comes to things I care about like art of teaching and it's hard for me not to take personally how they are critiquing me. I need to let that go, I don't teach elementary kids often, nor girls. As Jess and Jamie are women and have taught longer than me, I need to listen and learn from them, not feel insulted or pine over my mistakes. They are only trying to help. A fool rejects advice, a wise man listens. I have to remind myself that not everything they say is gospel, but some of it can and will be useful. Politeness, being present, being yourself everyday. That's the right way to play. Make your mistakes and move on, don't dwell on them. Learn.
And that leads me to dating....the final frontier. Relationships are the true last hurdle with my battle with depression. I know it's the one last area where all of my ugly demons raise up like a hydra and it can be very frustrating. I have been on 5 dates with Katie, the girl I met through my the center where I was taking my art classes. Katie is a teacher and a very talented artist, who has been divorced for the past 4 years. We have had some really frank conversations about what we want and what we are looking for. I think one of the hardest things about dating over 30, is that there is sort of like a customs form that comes with it. Ok, you got all your tests and you're disease free, are you taking in any foreign substances? How much time have you spent in Tijuana? Did you drink the water or have contact with natives?
Dating in your 20's, you have time, you can date people and not have the thought in your head of, well, if this person doesn't wash, I have time. I'm nearly 34. She's 35. I want kids. She's not sure if she does as she succinctly stated "When I was married, I thought that would have happened by now, when my husband cheated and left me I prepared my life to not do the things that traditionally come with that package". I totally respect and understand that, but now I am now looking at her customs sheet and trying to evaluate whether to "Let her into my country". It's remarkably stupid, but necessary. I am not saying I want I am ready to be a dad next week, but in the next four or five years, yeah, I would like to have a family. Katie also has made me think a lot about it by the things her and her sister have said about me. "You scream dad" and "You are like an open cab with the lights on" which meant, you just want to pack in your family and go home. Yeah, you know I think that that is very important to me. I am not sure about Katie. I think the art is the most important thing for her. So, you sit and ask yourself, am I jumping the gun or is this just not going to work? Am I going to waste her time. After 30, you realize that your time is more precious. Again, it's selfish and I hate that...but you have to think that way.
The other thought I have is, dating shouldn't be so hard. I like her, she's nice, so far we are having a decent time....it should just happen, right? Why is it so stressful? Why do I get so afraid of making a mistake?
argh.
The thing about being in a place like Tanzania, is that while it isn't America, there are some superb things that you learn quickly. The landscape and the abundant nature that is there, it's intrinsic to everything as is the language and dancing. People in Africa sing and dance and express joy and happiness like I have never seen. They are not as capitalist as we are in the West. They don't stripmallify their culture and try to make their society uniform and economical - here in America we tend to throw up our cookie cutter developments, strip malls, movie theatres and isolate ourselves from each other. Take my parent's condo complex. I myself lived there for years and I can't tell you anything about more than 2 of their neighbors. Americans say that we champion individuality, but we really champion a self-centered existence. We should know our neighbors, we should have community - why? Because man isn't made to be a selfish unit in isolation. The people in African community were the poorest of the poor - and yet some of the happiest I have ever seen. How is that possible? Well, it is possible because they are present and thankful for what they do have - their families, faith and community.
I think a lot about being present - I am generally terrible at it. In my travels I have been realizing that we are all bound together as human beings and we all have a moral responsibility to help each other and our planet. When you go to Africa and see the sins of our colonial past - it makes you realize - yes, we have hurt these people and they deserve to be helped - we have an obligation to provide to help these people. I want to help. I want to travel more to places outside my comfort zone. I want to do more mission work.
I have been reguarly watching the reality series by Morgan Spurlock, the guy who created SuperSize Me. The series has an excellent premise - live, do, engage in things that are so far out of the comfort level. The most recent one really hit home - Living on the Navajo nation for 30 days. I spoke to my brother a little about Africa and how I plan to help, my church is doing a project to provide money for wells in Sub-Saharan Africa and I am very excited to participate and do whatever I can to help. James responded "We need help here too". He's right. I try to give money to the Red Cross as much as I can - when I can tolerate the endless calls I get from the New Jersey BloodSuckers, I mean BloodBank, I go to give blood - there are a lot of ways to help. As a teacher I have been kind of trained to think of September as New Year's Day - there are several things I want to do better this year - I want to give and help more. To my people and to other people. As that fat bastard eating Quaker Oatmeal says (Wilford Brimley) "It's the right thing to do".
Life otherwise has been very busy. Camp has been really good but difficult. Now that I am going to be working with my friend Jess in the fall, she is watching how I teach very closely. My other friend Jamie has 10 years teaching experience teaching little ones under her belt and they have been giving me suggestions. Yesterday I was teaching 2nd grade girls and it wasn't going well, they weren't particularly listening to me well. I raised my voice, tried to be goofy, some of the things that work well as a high school teacher - but largely ineffective as a elementary teacher. I am a sensitive person when it comes to things I care about like art of teaching and it's hard for me not to take personally how they are critiquing me. I need to let that go, I don't teach elementary kids often, nor girls. As Jess and Jamie are women and have taught longer than me, I need to listen and learn from them, not feel insulted or pine over my mistakes. They are only trying to help. A fool rejects advice, a wise man listens. I have to remind myself that not everything they say is gospel, but some of it can and will be useful. Politeness, being present, being yourself everyday. That's the right way to play. Make your mistakes and move on, don't dwell on them. Learn.
And that leads me to dating....the final frontier. Relationships are the true last hurdle with my battle with depression. I know it's the one last area where all of my ugly demons raise up like a hydra and it can be very frustrating. I have been on 5 dates with Katie, the girl I met through my the center where I was taking my art classes. Katie is a teacher and a very talented artist, who has been divorced for the past 4 years. We have had some really frank conversations about what we want and what we are looking for. I think one of the hardest things about dating over 30, is that there is sort of like a customs form that comes with it. Ok, you got all your tests and you're disease free, are you taking in any foreign substances? How much time have you spent in Tijuana? Did you drink the water or have contact with natives?
Dating in your 20's, you have time, you can date people and not have the thought in your head of, well, if this person doesn't wash, I have time. I'm nearly 34. She's 35. I want kids. She's not sure if she does as she succinctly stated "When I was married, I thought that would have happened by now, when my husband cheated and left me I prepared my life to not do the things that traditionally come with that package". I totally respect and understand that, but now I am now looking at her customs sheet and trying to evaluate whether to "Let her into my country". It's remarkably stupid, but necessary. I am not saying I want I am ready to be a dad next week, but in the next four or five years, yeah, I would like to have a family. Katie also has made me think a lot about it by the things her and her sister have said about me. "You scream dad" and "You are like an open cab with the lights on" which meant, you just want to pack in your family and go home. Yeah, you know I think that that is very important to me. I am not sure about Katie. I think the art is the most important thing for her. So, you sit and ask yourself, am I jumping the gun or is this just not going to work? Am I going to waste her time. After 30, you realize that your time is more precious. Again, it's selfish and I hate that...but you have to think that way.
The other thought I have is, dating shouldn't be so hard. I like her, she's nice, so far we are having a decent time....it should just happen, right? Why is it so stressful? Why do I get so afraid of making a mistake?
argh.