I try...to have faith in something...but something always changes.
I start every entry the same way. Not knowing how to begin describing this tumult that is going on inside me. It's a knot of thread spinning on the spindle to my sewing machine, but I can't stop it. I just have to catch the loose end so I can thread my machine. It's not as easy as it sounds! It's spinning so fast. Plus, once I start to pull at it, it gets stuck in that knot. It's useless and leaves me nonplussed.
Well? What am I supposed to do with you, life? Am I supposed to do as I'm told, or am I supposed to find fertile soil by the rites of my own journey? Is there an in between? If there is, why have I not safely found it by now. I am 24 years old. Shouldn't I have done something incredible by now?
Today I sat mending my favorite articles of clothing that have tears. While I was stitching, I was thinking of skin. Trying to make the most attractive scars on my clothes. All the while, watching a documentary called "Islam, The Religion of Faith." Every time scholars talk about religions, they always sound like a good idea. The person who sows the seed has the best of intentions. Jesus. Mohammed. King David. Siddhartha. It would be nice if religion would ever work out for the world...tis such a shame that men are so predictably faulty. Inevitably someone gets the brilliant notion that they can manipulate the principles to manipulate the people to serve their conquest of power over the world.
When Mohammed fought his first battle against the Arabs, his army was a measley 313 people. They fought against 1,000 men. They won because they believed they were endowed with God's honor. And if they all believed it together, and it worked, who am I to say it wasn't true? God was on their side even though they were weaker and out on a limb.
I can drink vodka like a tank. I think I was bred this way.
So, I'm going back to the states. I'm going to get into a nursing program. Next month I'm going to apply to UCSD, and hopefully get in and finish my undergrad double majoring in English and Philosophy with a minor in Human Rights. I'll go $200,000 into debt with student loans, but keep going to school until I commit suicide at the age of 40. By that time, hopefully I've got an orphanage up and running. I can safely say that is one of my lifetime goals and dreams.
I wish I could remember the story of Jacob's ladder, but I don't. I wish I had a ladder. I need it to climb up to where my head is most of the time. Am I stupid for leaving this job opportunity? My mom keeps telling me I am. She said flat out, "you are doing the wrong thing." But how can I take her advice on anything? She is so far from being able to get through to me, and it's mostly because she doesn't want to. She wishes I was someone else. Which does not illuminate things for me...I already wish I was someone else most of the time.
I want to have a verbal tantrum to release my discontentedness for being treated like a disappointment. If I disappoint you, dear parents, then these are the flaws you see within yourself...and because I see them as my own strengths, you are being given a second chance. Take it. Embrace me and help me to do my best in my own struggles. You cannot guide the course of my life and your own as well. Let me be and have faith in me.
Well? What am I supposed to do with you, life? Am I supposed to do as I'm told, or am I supposed to find fertile soil by the rites of my own journey? Is there an in between? If there is, why have I not safely found it by now. I am 24 years old. Shouldn't I have done something incredible by now?
Today I sat mending my favorite articles of clothing that have tears. While I was stitching, I was thinking of skin. Trying to make the most attractive scars on my clothes. All the while, watching a documentary called "Islam, The Religion of Faith." Every time scholars talk about religions, they always sound like a good idea. The person who sows the seed has the best of intentions. Jesus. Mohammed. King David. Siddhartha. It would be nice if religion would ever work out for the world...tis such a shame that men are so predictably faulty. Inevitably someone gets the brilliant notion that they can manipulate the principles to manipulate the people to serve their conquest of power over the world.
When Mohammed fought his first battle against the Arabs, his army was a measley 313 people. They fought against 1,000 men. They won because they believed they were endowed with God's honor. And if they all believed it together, and it worked, who am I to say it wasn't true? God was on their side even though they were weaker and out on a limb.
I can drink vodka like a tank. I think I was bred this way.
So, I'm going back to the states. I'm going to get into a nursing program. Next month I'm going to apply to UCSD, and hopefully get in and finish my undergrad double majoring in English and Philosophy with a minor in Human Rights. I'll go $200,000 into debt with student loans, but keep going to school until I commit suicide at the age of 40. By that time, hopefully I've got an orphanage up and running. I can safely say that is one of my lifetime goals and dreams.
I wish I could remember the story of Jacob's ladder, but I don't. I wish I had a ladder. I need it to climb up to where my head is most of the time. Am I stupid for leaving this job opportunity? My mom keeps telling me I am. She said flat out, "you are doing the wrong thing." But how can I take her advice on anything? She is so far from being able to get through to me, and it's mostly because she doesn't want to. She wishes I was someone else. Which does not illuminate things for me...I already wish I was someone else most of the time.
I want to have a verbal tantrum to release my discontentedness for being treated like a disappointment. If I disappoint you, dear parents, then these are the flaws you see within yourself...and because I see them as my own strengths, you are being given a second chance. Take it. Embrace me and help me to do my best in my own struggles. You cannot guide the course of my life and your own as well. Let me be and have faith in me.