pants off dance off/the summer ends
I feel slightly guilty
But in a way that I can forget about
if I can manage to keep my mouth shut.
Came back from Port Jervis today. The reshoots are hopefully done for the boys/men and now we can continue to the next stage. It was rushed and I feel like I didn't pay as good attention to spacial composition but we'll see. The shoot was different than the last that's all I can really say. We had a good time. Harry came up with some Captain and mixers, we had our few beers and drank our coco cola and rum played a ridiculous game of questions. Apparently I'm funny on paper and it surprises people.
We were up until five laughing our asses off. Morgan was laughing his ass off, not complaining being smoked up on weed, hash, and some drinks. Which is why I'm upset that he's upset with me. All because of something which I can't change. We were eating breakfast when Magda looked at the train times. We had to rush and I said "lets just all pile in, sit on laps" Morgan said we could do two rides. I don't even have to say what happened. He got a bus back but now he's not talking to me and my fathers mad because I don't know what I've done wrong. That I didn't praise him for coming though he had said yes, and then tried to get out of it? That I didn't hold the train for him? That I didn't check the train schedual for us all to be ready and in time? How was I supposed to know that there was only a 1:00 train and a 9:00 train? If that's my fault then I guess that's fine but I don't think I deserve this really. Big sisters always get ganged up on to be right always, to do the right thing always. Babying morgan because he needs to feel like an adult though he acts like a child. I'm tired of my father's psychological bullshit about letting him feel like the big older brother come to save the day. It's just not the truth. All my life I've done my best to protect morgan and I cant count on him. And yet I have to treat him as if he's right, done the right and he's wiser and smarter and saving me. I know it's the right thing, all that psychology bullshit, but it's not really fair to me I feel.
Almost had a half fight with Mac because I was freaking out and it didn't feel handled well. I don't know, had an almost anxiety attack thinking about going back to school. How i'll be with him going back to school. How this will change and maybe just revert to how it had been before. The terrible misscommunication, the long prolonged and painful miss-comunication. I almost hurt his feelings with how I said things. Because I was worried about us back there. Because me saying that makes him feel like I'm not as invested or that I must not feel how deeply he loves me. He said the word "unconditionaly" today. He loves me unconditionally. He soothed and rationalized and made it better like he usually does. Always does. But we almost had a dissagreement.
He stayed with me because he "wanted to" and because I had freaked out. We watched Dave and smoked some hashish. I walked him to the train as it began to drizzle. I wont see him until I'm back at school. I move in Sunday.
At eleven crazy Harry who has the energy of a god tells me to come to a party on rosie. I look out my window and see people mingling on a balcany. We waved and I walked over. I met a nice 6 foot 6 man with a name I liked but now have forgotten. Sat on Harry's lap on the balcany converserving about how racist our country is. Then came the dance party. To music I hate but everyone else seems to like. I forget about it as always because it's dancable. Harry dares a girl to take off her pants and so it begins. The pant-less dance party which soon becomes shirtless too. I kept saying I can't I can't I've got a boyfriend until the host pulled off my sweater saying "everyone here is either gay or has a boyfriend" so I danced with my shirt off. But not for long, and truthfully I felt slightly uncomfortable but I guess simply because of the fact that I knew that Mac would not be happy. I left soon after and tried calling him from the hallway, when he called me back later I told him what happened but excluded my participation. I guess I won't ever tell him now, no matter how unimportant it seems to me.
I'm freaking out, I'm trying my best not too but I need a job at school and I want to get into classes. I don't have the money for books, and I want to be a photographer. I have flags I have to pay and my boyfriend is better than me. I have no clue how to gain knowledge about how to run my life. How to save for these amounting bills. I feel like I'm drowning, but I suppose it's okay since I now know that all humans were once aquatic creatures...
wish me luck I need it.
But in a way that I can forget about
if I can manage to keep my mouth shut.
Came back from Port Jervis today. The reshoots are hopefully done for the boys/men and now we can continue to the next stage. It was rushed and I feel like I didn't pay as good attention to spacial composition but we'll see. The shoot was different than the last that's all I can really say. We had a good time. Harry came up with some Captain and mixers, we had our few beers and drank our coco cola and rum played a ridiculous game of questions. Apparently I'm funny on paper and it surprises people.
We were up until five laughing our asses off. Morgan was laughing his ass off, not complaining being smoked up on weed, hash, and some drinks. Which is why I'm upset that he's upset with me. All because of something which I can't change. We were eating breakfast when Magda looked at the train times. We had to rush and I said "lets just all pile in, sit on laps" Morgan said we could do two rides. I don't even have to say what happened. He got a bus back but now he's not talking to me and my fathers mad because I don't know what I've done wrong. That I didn't praise him for coming though he had said yes, and then tried to get out of it? That I didn't hold the train for him? That I didn't check the train schedual for us all to be ready and in time? How was I supposed to know that there was only a 1:00 train and a 9:00 train? If that's my fault then I guess that's fine but I don't think I deserve this really. Big sisters always get ganged up on to be right always, to do the right thing always. Babying morgan because he needs to feel like an adult though he acts like a child. I'm tired of my father's psychological bullshit about letting him feel like the big older brother come to save the day. It's just not the truth. All my life I've done my best to protect morgan and I cant count on him. And yet I have to treat him as if he's right, done the right and he's wiser and smarter and saving me. I know it's the right thing, all that psychology bullshit, but it's not really fair to me I feel.
Almost had a half fight with Mac because I was freaking out and it didn't feel handled well. I don't know, had an almost anxiety attack thinking about going back to school. How i'll be with him going back to school. How this will change and maybe just revert to how it had been before. The terrible misscommunication, the long prolonged and painful miss-comunication. I almost hurt his feelings with how I said things. Because I was worried about us back there. Because me saying that makes him feel like I'm not as invested or that I must not feel how deeply he loves me. He said the word "unconditionaly" today. He loves me unconditionally. He soothed and rationalized and made it better like he usually does. Always does. But we almost had a dissagreement.
He stayed with me because he "wanted to" and because I had freaked out. We watched Dave and smoked some hashish. I walked him to the train as it began to drizzle. I wont see him until I'm back at school. I move in Sunday.
At eleven crazy Harry who has the energy of a god tells me to come to a party on rosie. I look out my window and see people mingling on a balcany. We waved and I walked over. I met a nice 6 foot 6 man with a name I liked but now have forgotten. Sat on Harry's lap on the balcany converserving about how racist our country is. Then came the dance party. To music I hate but everyone else seems to like. I forget about it as always because it's dancable. Harry dares a girl to take off her pants and so it begins. The pant-less dance party which soon becomes shirtless too. I kept saying I can't I can't I've got a boyfriend until the host pulled off my sweater saying "everyone here is either gay or has a boyfriend" so I danced with my shirt off. But not for long, and truthfully I felt slightly uncomfortable but I guess simply because of the fact that I knew that Mac would not be happy. I left soon after and tried calling him from the hallway, when he called me back later I told him what happened but excluded my participation. I guess I won't ever tell him now, no matter how unimportant it seems to me.
I'm freaking out, I'm trying my best not too but I need a job at school and I want to get into classes. I don't have the money for books, and I want to be a photographer. I have flags I have to pay and my boyfriend is better than me. I have no clue how to gain knowledge about how to run my life. How to save for these amounting bills. I feel like I'm drowning, but I suppose it's okay since I now know that all humans were once aquatic creatures...
wish me luck I need it.