Mark another one on the calender...
Another year has almost passed by, another year without the brother and the family I used to know, has my real family just come to the point where I don't need to be around? Just because he isn't there protecting me like he used to, nither of my brothers are for that fact, I should be used to having a Christmas alone like this but every year it seems to get harder. I used to love this time of year, I used to love the decorations the sense of having a family but I guess I don't have that anymore, not with the real family. I miss having all of that, I see other people having fun with their families, I used to have that, or I thought I did. What caused this, was it me or was him dying. I really hate today, it makes me miss him so much more, more then I normally do... Brat you baka... Why aren't you here when I need you the most, god I can't even write this without crying, I shouldn't be crying and yet theres all this pain in my heart over everything, everything thats happened in the past few years, last year I was to drunk to remember anything about that year, this year every memory floods back. I remember and realize now I really am a fuck up in life, I can never keep anything without messing it up in one way or another, and thats with relationships, friendships, hell even family. Why did it all have to be like this, why do I continue to fake all these emotions of being fine when deep down, Im in pain, the pain of not having anyone really around as much as they used to be. Ive stopped trying to figure out what the hell all these stupid blog things are about, I guess everything just needs to get the fuck out of my head and this jumbled crap is the best its gonna get. Ive stopped telling people whats going on unless they really keep pushing the button to know what is wrong. I stopped telling people what was wrong after both of the brothers left me, guess I didnt see a point in it. And now its hard to see god damn tears... I'll redo this stupid thing eventually I just needed something to try and keep me busy...