Not sure how much longer
Every thought that's rushed by my head makes it that much harder to pretend. Pretend this fake emotion where everyone thinks I'm really ok. I'm not sure how much longer I can keep deceiving people about how I am. So many memories I thought I had locked away, erased, made them vanish, they all decided to come back and all in one night. Nothing I have done should have even brought these up, but since they've started up again I'm even more lost then before. Why didn't they just leave my head when I thought they did, why do I keep seeing the ghosts of those memories, and why now. Why is it that now all those things I thought I had forgotten decides to come back into my life. All those things do is make it that much harder for me to fake the fact that I'm ok when deep down I really am not ok. Only a few people have called me out on faking it but in the end I still go back to pretending, the fake smiles, the randomness that I hide behind. People told me it was that one thing that happened was what is making me like this, their wrong, that was just one of the many things that are a part of this nuclear mental break down it seems. So how much long can I keep this act up, when will I finally decide to just snap, I've already slowly started that process of finally snapping, no one can tell just who I am anymore, I change every day to them. I know that the only thing that will fix all of this is time, however the last time this bad of a mental break down happened I had other sources that got rid of the headaches, made me forget everything if only for a little bit. I promised I wouldn't do any of that again, which in the long run will make this extremely hard to snap out of. The 'rents are already figured out that I won't talk, period, at all, about anything, I only give them nods, maybe a yes or no. How much longer till everyone else receives this treatment. Just when I thought everything was getting better only to have fell apart again with in just minutes. I always thought that when I moved to Tucson thats what really made me this screwed up in the head. Turns out to most of the people Ive know most of my life all disagree, I've always been like this only now its just elevated. When I start thinking about that I try to remember all the things of my past, after forgetting so much of it, I know why I was glad that I forgot that past. Geof reminded me, showed me who I was before, you could see pictures from me at the age of 5 or 6, compare them to recent pictures, my eyes are still dark, I still have that smug look on my face, I remembered that just as I am now I pretended that I was a person everyone thought I was when I wasn't really like that. For the most part I've always been the person everyone thinks I am or should be because of the things I've done. How much longer will I keep that charade going? God all this just seems jumbled together, I really can't stay on topic anymore and find it hard to even talk to my friends when its physically talking, typing, texting I can do that without people hearing all the emotions going through my head through my voice. I think I'm slowly starting to give up not on life, I won't kill myself, even in death if I did that someone would kick my ass. But what I am giving up on is trying to put my life back into order. So many people of my past have recently decided to show back up in my life as well, my brother Geof he pretends to care him and I both know he's only caring because he promised Brat, and then theres the family, ya yell at your grandmother once, once because you are so sick of her telling you that you need to date the one person who has fucked your life up more then anyone else, the one person who even after telling her that he hit you she still thinks you should be with that 'nice boy' One phone call was all it took for me to get cast out of the family that much more. Both mum and dad for once they actually stood up for me, more mum then dad, either way they still got pissed off with her not only doing that but comparing me to the sister I'm no longer Cammie to her apparently I'm just that one girl who can't be like the sister who she thinks has her life in order, no Shelbs is similar to me, but I always get compared to her. I'm not nor will I ever be my sister. Only Gramps has been proud of me recently which right now is helping with pulling my life together, if I lost everyone in the family right now, right this second they all told me to fuck off, Gramps and Shelbs would be the only ones who would still be there for me. I don't know where I ever go with these stupid blog things, I start with one subject and always move onto something completely different. I guess how things are right now, I could think of one thing, talk about one topic for a long time but now I jump around in conversations especially I know if they end up having something to do in life. Actually thats just how life is, I jump around from emotion to emotion, happy to pissed in matters of seconds, random to mute, neutral to sad, or the over done one, perfect and content to the biggest bitch in the world to everyone. I'm not sure what else I could type about without actually having to talk about whats really in my head right now. And sweet I almost broke my desk just now, joy for cracking noises that sound like breaking wood -sigh- I swear things hate me now, Ive burnt myself cooking so much recently where before I didn't burn myself at all, I almost broke a MAC the other day which was good and bad, oh and ha this was the best one, accidentally deleted some of my photoshop stuff it took me an hour to figure out how to get them out of the stupid recycle thing on the MAC it sucked... Ok I think I'm done randomly babbling for now, maybe, at least for tonight cause I'm kinda tired, even though I don't sleep anymore I guess I should try.