I can't tell you
I know I can't tell you the truth behind whats really going on, I know I can't tell you cause I don't want you to worry, sometimes I just want you to leave me behind and then I talk to you which makes that feeling vanish. I guess this all happened because I couldn't tell you anything, you told me 'don't think its your fault' I'm gonna call your bluff. We both know it was because I wasn't telling you anything which then lead to all the fights. I can't tell you that I've pretty much become silent to everyone, I don't want people around me right now and yet I find myself with people who now I barely say 2 words to them outside of texting them. I just can't tell you and I probably never will because we both know how I am. Besides you'll probably never read this anyway.... I could write every emotion thats going on right now in my head but those thoughts should stay silent permanently, they would just make everything in my life that much worse. Just to escape those thoughts I sit in front of photoshop all day that way I don't have to think about anything, at least until I get home and then the quiet gets to me, along with whispers attached to all those thoughts in my head, they aren't all about you, only a couple are, something worse is making me go insane, something that I wish I could just erase, and attached to that thought is every reason why I look and feel like shit. I've pretty much stopped sleeping, in my sleep sometimes I think I'm awake, reality is, I am awake and then I can't sleep again. Thoughts that rush my mind so quickly like this are corrupting who I am even more, people thought I was a bitch before, and now in their eyes I've gone back to being 'that', heh and what a shocker, a few times I've agreed with them. Yea yea I know you're gonna smack me upside the head or flick my nose for that one. To be honest a bit of me has always agreed, I never listened to that bit of me till recently when I went back to being well the old Cammie as some people would say. Funny how you change for so long and within a week you go back to what you were, normally I would have been pissed with you for what happened, but I've come to the conclusion, I don't give a fuck. Yea I do get pissed about it sometimes but I shouldn't, its letting me go back to who I was, weather that was good or bad to people, I don't have to pretend about anything anymore, I don't have to pretend that I wasn't getting into fights when I still was on occasion, I don't have to worry about always checking in at home because I didn't want to worry you. I forgot how nice it was to be like this again, I'm not sure if thats a good thing or bad thing to say but its what I'm thinkin. I guess I can't tell you any of this can I? Nope I can't and won't, I can't tell you all this because I can see you've always been better off without me, you always have been and always will be. By this point I can't even remember why I started to type this at all, is it because I hope you'll read it or is it just because I needed to get some bullshit out of my head and somewhere else. I don't know what the reason is anymore, but there it is, the stuff that I can't and probably won't tell you...