(no subject)
"Having a body, being in the body, is like being roped to a sick cat"
Margaret Atwood- The Robber Bride.
i have an immense distrust of doctors
bizarrely i've stumbled upon an intensely honest one in halifax
the last two times i've seen him
he's assessed me- thought about it-
and said- directly or indirectly
"i don't know"
normally i take great joy in honesty-
it can be a terrific comfort.
his i find endlessly disturbing.
all those years of being a standardized patient
you hear and see things you ought not to-
you understand how the context and authority of a medical clinic
is built on small rituals and costume
it's been said before
but todays doctors are the new priests
but underneath it all-
just as what lies beneath the cassock
lies beneath the stethoscope
is one very human human
resting on ritual to assert the contrary
hand on the big blue cps book-
all those times a doctor leaves a room-
they're looking up the answer-
in a book- on the internet
ritual- formality- propriety
combine to form one very large velvety curtain for a person to hide behind
what happened?
suddenly i could no longer exert pressure on my right foot
discovered this after my chain broke on the corner of spring garden and barrington
luckily there was no accident
walking suddenly- i had to limp
apparently by limping i'm making it worse
apparently by limping my body will adapt and begin to proceed as if limping was normal
what is wrong?
he has no idea.
honesty is no comfort.
it will pass.
it seems really weird to me- just as i'm intensely contemplating my body
and my relationship to it
and my relationship to the idea of representing it
it ups and proves that it does things of its' own accord
that i really have little idea of what it does or how it works
"you're very flexible- it's amazing really that you did manage to sprain it-
most people can't do this"
pushing my ankles around in varying ways
i felt a bit like a mrs. potatohead doll.
and then i showed him my elbows
and he shuddered
honesty is no comfort
and i said i thought that was more common in women
he said it may be more common
but that doesn't mean all women can do that
he said it again
"you're very flexible"
it seemed bizarrely like a character assessment
accurate though.
the weather and my mood have forced me to admit that i am anemic
that i have to suck it up and start taking care of myself properly
nothing less than a regimen of iron pills and b12 for six months will do it
it is better to give in and try to feel better
then to ignore it and feel worse
the past few days something has been amok
off somehow.
not my happy clappy
bouncy self
a wee bit snarky
a little sulkish
a lot tired
better to believe it's medical
a simple formula of missing vitamins
and to have faith in them
or their placebo effect
maybe more physio is needed
here's another interesting thing my doctor said
i asked him for his opinion of where he felt physio was on the quackery scale
he said "weeeeeelllllllllllllllllllllllllll, it's hard to say
*pause*
i read a study recently from australia
apparently physio works for approximately 26% of it's patients
and acupuncture is 46% effective
and fake acupuncture (inserting the needles arbitrarily without paying attention to the body's meridians)
is 42% effective
which again either serves as yet another beautiful illustration of the glorious placebo effect
or that randomly sticking needles in your body does actually do something
but what? and why?
what i really need to do today is to listen to david bowie and clean my room a bit.
get organized
work on my thesis statement for my paper on edward said
brenna and joel invited me for supper later
i'm a big fan of the pair of them
and the baby they're having renews my faith in a lot of things.
it will be one giggly and smart child when it comes out.
the reviews are in re: my presentation on craig owens and the allegorical impulse
in my modernism and postmodernism class
apparently i'm really good at taking complicated ideas and communicating them in a more simple, direct and clear way
no less than four or five people in a 16 person seminar have gone out of their way to tell me it was really good
someone even asked for a copy of it- saying- there was prose in there
and he didn't just mean the part where i said
"the arse is right out of 'er"
in relation to contemporary artists use of allegory
to destabilize grand narratives
david howard thinks i'm going to grad school
he also thinks i should forget about going back to newfoundland
that i'm supposed to do things
important things
i can't say i wasn't flattered
more than a little scared
the scariest thing about it.
me.
it rests on my capacity to believe in myself
to keep doing what i'm doing
and to have faith in the strength of my work
to not be afraid of the ivory tower
or be ashamed that i spend saturdays scrolling jstor articles
but knowing always-
academia is not the be all and end all of my world
there are other things i want to do and am meant to be doing
looking to it as an endless source of validation
is to gaze into a very large hole
made bigger by the weight of other people's egos
i just want more than that
more than an office in some moldy building
more than a false sense of security that the things i write
will be read
i want to be of use
somehow
teaching- yes-
but it won't be enough
i'll still need to make things
praxis.
i want praxis.
and community.