X-Files/Life after college: I Want To Believe
Hard to tell, but I think the party is over.Two nights ago, I checked out a sneak peak of the upcoming X-Files movie. Now don't get me wrong, I love the X-Files because they consistently come up with great stories that are always different than anything else on TV. I was expecting to see a movie, but in reality it was exactly at it sounded like: a sneak peek. Six minutes of screen time and an hour and a half of meaning less Q+A because the creators are all about 100% secrecy. I don't mind the tight lips or even the long Q+A. It's just the fact that I am so used to the UCLA version of the sneak peek where they show the whole damn film weeks before it hits theaters.
I'm graduated now. A little over a week ago. I don't think it has hit me yet, though I don't doubt it soon will. I'm over the fact that I have no more classes. That's easy enough. I can just treat this summer like any other summer when school is out and I feel like taking advantage of the freedom given to me. It's like the party that's about to be broken up. There's cops circling the block, the smarter guests are finding their way out, but everyone else is held in suspense for that knock on the door.
"It's 3am. Time to grow up, kid."
Suddenly, the chicks are looking more mature, money starts looking more like a problem than a solution, and sneak peeks are not sugar coated. It's called denial. And I have it full blown.
I treasure my friends. A lot. Often more than I treasure myself. I do this because I fear my inevitable transformation into my father. Selfish, illogical, and prone to losing his temper. I've noticed all the same in me, though I try to over-compensate. This keeps the negative emotions pent up for the people I truly care for, the closest of my friends and family to bear. Unfortunately, this makes for terrible relationships.
I want to belive that everything will be OK. That if I break up with Angela, we'll still talk as friends no matter how bad things got. That if I don't go to business school, I'll still e successful in my own way. That this down phase will blow over me like westward winds on a hot day. But if I've learned one thing about living, it's to earn everyone's trust as comrade and confidant, but ultimately place my own trust in myself.
My life as a mountain isn't perfect though. I crumble all the same. Especially when there's nothing to support me but myself. I have a problem opening myself up to people and I enjoy a certain amount of mysteriousness and arrogance that punk rock got from being against the grain. It's been fun. But it's no way to live.
A sea change is coming. I felt the earthquake. Seagulls are flocking inland past the shores. After this, our landscape won't ever be the same.