Wow
For a minute, I thought all my emotions were wiped out in history given that livejournal had underwent quite a bit of facelift across the years that I have not been blogging.
It's quite a discovery, to re-enter this space and realise that I could even use the old format to write this post.
I have grown so much as a person and now, even upgraded my status to a wife and a mother. I realised that this avenue allowed me to look inside my feelings and have an outlet where I could share annoymously about the thoughts that run through my mind. I'm glad. I do oddly recall that there's another livejournal account, but I can't quite remember the name of it anymore. So that's that.
Anyways, married to Hong was a true challenge. I do applaud myself for having to go through all the trials and tribulation of what a marriage encompass. I think my nature of shoving and blocking off the memory is pretty good. That it has taken effect on my day-to-day life where I don't really remember.
Actually, I'm just putting this post in, to know that I have revisited this space because I wanted to chronologue some things that have happened.
I am currently at this spot where I can't figure out where I shoud be exploring or be moving forward. Turning 32 in just 6 months is oddly scary and yet a big reminder that time is catching up and I shouldn't be wasting my time making hesitating about decisions that don't come by and afraid of taking a big steps.
Work wise, I'm pretty pleased with what has been given to me, though many times, I still feel that my voice is unheard. Which is extremely frustrating as I always think I'm an idealist. So with social media, I have shifted to become a content-creator for my work, which really allow me to explore the creative and spontaenous side of my life (that i truly appreciate though). However, work is starting to become mundane, and I'm wondering if it is the work that is boring or would it be my work? I remember reading this liner (sic: not too long ago), that sometimes, its not the job that's boring, its because you stop learning that it feels boring. Like maybe that kinda applies to me. but i'm also at that stage where I think that I do not really need any further upgrades. Even if I do, I don't think I would have the discipline to go through the entire ordeal plus raising a child.
Obvoiusly that's an excuse, and to a certain extent I am coming to terms with it. But seriously, I don't know where I want to go. Now, money outweighs everything in life.
My relationship have not been a smooth sailing event, especially with him being in debt for a really long time and now in a state of no recovery. There are many times that I have cried myself to bed in the past because of how stressed up I had felt and how I felt like there was no one who could understand what I had went through or what I had to do, to be where I am today. And its that disappointing that the person who sleeps with me, doesn't comprehend or take the time to. But all is for the better now, though I am still cautious. Being cautious also make me wonder if I am in it for comfort, for fear, or for the fact that I still am in love.
There is, still a certain extent, but this love has evolved so much that I feel that at time, I forget to consider his feelings and I try my best not to belittle him, or make a joke out of his past, so that he doesn't feel depressed. But at the same time, its tough to move pass the sadness. That's right, it is tough to move pass. Because I feel like there was no acknowledgement that - yes it is a tough period, yes andrea you did it. I think I fail to give myself the assurance or that acknowledgement that this is indeed tough and how I have survived it through, trying to keep my head above the water.
Sigh, life is really different now. Days I wished I could become younger again, redo everything again so that I won't have to go through this at all. But a challenge, will always be a challenge and you can only take it a day at a day to charge forward.
There's nothing to regret. But if there's one thing I can change, I wouldn't want to land myself in the current situation that I am. Oh boy, this is getting emotional.
Ok bye.