(no subject)
I am so unbelievebly tired it's not funny in any way. It's like my head is full of some soft material that won't let any thoughts or emotions through. I'm just totally blank. I wake up in the morning and there is no reason at all for me to get up. My therapist told me a stiry that I recognise all too well about a woman who could sit for hours and look at her flowers, knowing that they were dying because they needed water. Yet she couldn't get herself to give them water. She just sat there day after day until they were dead and all the time she felt incredibly stressed out and bad about it.
That is exactly how I feel. I know there are things that need to be done and I can somehow see them and recognise them but when I try to do them there is some mental blockage. I have stopped answering my phone, I don't read my mail and I sleep every minute when I'm at home. I just want to have nothing at all to do with the world. Thak God really that I have this job and that it's impossible for me to call in sick because I'm the only one here. I need this push to get up every morning regardless of the fact that I don't actually do very much here...or I guess I do. I just don't think about it.
I have pushed everyone close to me away because I can't stand company right now. I can't even keep my eyes open so how could I keep up decent conversation?
IMPORTANT! All of you who know that you have something that I am supposed to do or fix or look into. Don't count on the fact that I have done it! I am too tired and blank to remember what I was supposed to do so I desperately need a reminder if you're counting on me for something!! I also desperately need some help in the organising department becasue I'm sorry to sound pathetic but at this point I doubt that I will be able to put myself together enough to do anything else than get myself home from work and into bed for the next weeks.
I can't figure out how to calm down. It's like I can't get out of this state of total indifference becasue outside it's all chaos and too many thoughts and insane laughter and coldness. I used to have this image in bed before I went to sleep that would help me calm down. It was a flight of stairs and I was walking down. Further and further down, just counting the steps, feeling all the stress disappearing. Now I have a different one. I have this room full of computer screens with all sorts of numbers on them and among all the chaos and the craziness that doesn't make sense there is this big red button and I know that if I push that button I will die. That could have been a scary thought but it never is. I visualize myself caressing the button, feeling how it's soft and cool under my hand and just knowing that I can push it any time I want is the only thing that can keep my mind from screaming.
I don't know what is wrong with me. I think I'm going crazy, except crazy people don't know they are going crazy so I guess not... I'm breaking in so many pieces I can't count them anymore. I move and I breathe so I must be alive, but I don't feel it.