i can't think of a good subject haha
Uh let's see life is seemingly ok except for me being stupid.....I'm way too afraid of approaching the person I like Craig Kutcher. I mean I have talked to him a few times before but it seems like I can never talk to him for too long. I dunno....I'm stupid because I'm afraid of rejection....I dunno whether he's str8 bi or gay but I wanna find out but see the thing is that he may be just like I was if he is gay and he may be hiding it cuz he doesn't wanna accept it or because he fears losing his friends....which he is kinda up there on popularity....not too high but high enough to where he has a lot of friends to lose....and I could see as where it would be a hard thing to admit....but obviously I'm not him and I don't know....I like his personality and he is definitely not bad looking....and from what I've heard from my friends he's a really sweet guy like I am....I just wish that I could at least get to know him as a friend....I mean I'm not looking to walk up to him and be like Craig are you gay or bi? Cuz if you are I'd like to date you....yeah that would really work....ugh....i dunno....I think I should forget about it at times but then again I have these strong feelings that aren't just gonna go away until I hear from him that he is not gay or bi or uninterested which is my other fear....even if he is bi or gay that doesn't automatically mean he'll like me....god....I hate feeling this way....and I hate bein such a chicken shit....I swear I put myself through a lot more than I should.....but at least I have nobody to blame but myself....god I dunno since I've been hanging out with Dustin I have been feeling more and more secure with myself and I have actually felt more and more bold as the days are going by so hopefully I can build up enough self-confidence to be able to become his friend.....cuz hell even if thats as far as it goes I guess I'd be cool with that because he seems like a really cool person....and anyways I ned to have more guy friends because almost all of my friends are girls....well i guess we'll just have to see how this thing progresses over time....hopefully in the end I won't be all alone in this world with nobody except for my sister to keep me sane....I swear sometimes I fell like I put too much on her....that's why I try to back off sometimes....I don't wanna be all in her life unless she wants me to be....anyways I have really nothing else to report on because everything is really about the same since the other day with work and all that shit...the only difference is that now I'm officially on spring break for 2 weeks....so it's gonna suck because I won't even see Craig for 2 weeks....which is gonna make my mind go wild....i just hope I don't get my hopes up for anything....that way when the final answer comes it won't be extremely hard on me if it's bad....ugh....wow this is a lot to type to the public...but i mean nobody really reads this but me and jessica anyways...so whatever....if anyone reads this i really don't care because I shouldn't care....I shouldn't have to hide the feelings that I can't control from fear of what people will do! That is something I'll never understand and that is why people hate people for shit they can't control....hating me for bein gay is like hating a special ed kid for having mental retardation it's something they can't control and this is something I can't control....trust me....i tried with every ounce of my being for 6 years!