(Untitled)

[turnthebadinme]

Serena had forgotten. It was stupid, she knew, to forget that people vanished here, that it would happen to her, too. This was, after all, a basic rule of island life, of life anywhere, and she had lost more than a few people in her time, so it should have been easy to remember. She was, however, an optimist by nature, and although she'd been badly

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[learnwhatsreal]

It wasn't too hard to tell, getting a good look at Serena after she opened the door, that something wasn't right. Jenny had been smiling, but that faded quickly enough, replaced almost immediately with an expression of concern. She'd been stopping by just to hang out, maybe head down to the beach for a while, but her intentions were all but forgotten now. Making sure Serena was okay was far more important than any of that.

"Serena?" she asked, worrying at her lower lip a little. There was a line, of course, between just checking to see if someone was alright and intruding, but she couldn't very well ignore this. "Hey, what's going on? You look -" She gestured vaguely with one hand, mouth set in a frown. She had a feeling she didn't need to be more specific to be understood.

[turnthebadinme]

Mouth open to answer, Serena shook her head, shoulders jerking back in an unsteady shrug. "I --" She waved a hand, pressing it to her forehead after in an unconscious imitation of her mother, shrugging again. "I'm fine," she said, looking back to Jenny. "I just... thought you might be Beat. Have you seen him?"

She knew it wasn't wise to keep hoping, to think things could still be okay, when overwhelming evidence existed to the contrary, but Serena had never been wise in times of crisis. She far preferred clinging to the last scrap of hope available to her, long after she should. There was still the possibility, after all. She couldn't give up hope while she had that much.

[learnwhatsreal]

Jenny didn't need much more than that to have a pretty good grasp on the situation. All in all, she'd been lucky in the year she had been on the island and she knew it, but that didn't mean she wasn't acquainted with losses of her own. She still remembered all too well pacing around Dan's treehouse, waiting for him to come meet her, only to have him never show up. Around here, a question like that could mean only one thing, that she hadn't seen him, and there was really one explanation for that.

"No," she answered, shaking her head a little, looking instantly guilty for it. "I haven't." It was out of both of their hands, but she wished she had, wished there were some way she could fix this or make it easier somehow. Instead of saying that, though, she gestured past Serena with a tilt of her head, through the doorway. "You want me to come sit with you or something?"

[turnthebadinme]

Serena tipped her head upward, eyes closing and lips pressed tight together. She held her breath a moment, then took a shaky breath. There had to be a hundred places still he could have been, places she hadn't thought to look. "Yeah," she murmured, nodding, "okay."

It seemed so stupid to just sit still and wait, but she didn't know what else to do or where to go or how to confirm or deny her suspicions when they seemed increasingly like fact. Stepping back, she gestured for Jenny to come on inside. Maybe with company, she would feel better. Somehow things would be better. Inhaling deeply, she forced herself to at least look a little steadier, focusing her attention on Jenny. "What's up?"

[learnwhatsreal]

"Nothing, really," Jenny answered, glancing at Serena as she passed through the doorway, immediately feeling guilty for that response. She was more certain of the truth in this, probably, than Serena was, and knowing she had provided, however briefly, a sense of false hope just didn't seem right. These things happened here, but they shouldn't have had to. There was nothing fair in it, nothing at all, and no matter how frequently people disappeared, it never became any more comfortable. It left her standing a little ways into the hut, shifting her weight as she considered how to continue. "Just gonna see if you wanted to hang out or something. I can stay as long as you want me to, though, there's really nowhere else I'd have to be."

[turnthebadinme]

Serena nodded. She didn't really want Jenny to stay. She didn't want her to go either, didn't want to be alone with all the doubts or, worse yet, the certainties. Arms folded, she stared blankly ahead, trying to focus. Denial had always proved incredibly effective for her and she was doing her best now, but every time she tried to think straight, she came back to the same conclusion.

"I think he's gone," she said, gaze unwavering, unsure how long it had been since Jenny had spoken. It wasn't like she was answering. "I think... I think he's gone." She pressed her hand to her mouth, then to her forehead, head tipping up as she blinked hard, fighting for a steady breath. "Oh god, what do I do?"

[learnwhatsreal]

Jenny wasn't surprised by that, of course. It was an easy conclusion to reach, with this place being the way it was. Still, she could neither blame Serena for wanting to think otherwise nor offer her any reassurance that it might not be true. At this point, she was pretty sure there was no other option, and she hated that. She wanted to help, to somehow make this better. She settled instead on crossing to Serena's side, reaching out to lay a hand on her shoulder.

"Just... slow down," she said, well aware even as she said it that it would do no good. She'd all but panicked when it was Dan who had disappeared. Her free hand lifting to her mouth, she bit nervously at a fingernail, mostly just for something to do. "You looked everywhere?" She was certain that the answer to that would be yes, but it didn't seem right to just keep going without making sure.

[turnthebadinme]

"Yeah," Serena said, nodding. "Everywhere. I mean... everywhere it makes sense, everywhere he'd be, not, like, the other side of the island or whatever. He's just... not here. I don't know what to do." Though she had started calmly enough, panic crept slowly into her tone. It didn't make sense to say or think, or it didn't feel as though it should have. She had lost people before, several of them, but this was different.

She knew this kind of thing happened, she'd known they couldn't really stay forever, but all she could keep thinking was that he'd promised. He promised he wouldn't leave.

[learnwhatsreal]

"You can't," Jenny replied, her voice small, almost meek. "Know what to do, I mean. No one can." As far as reassurances went, it probably wasn't much of one, but this wasn't something she could bring herself to lie about, either. They both knew from experience how much this sucked, even if they'd both been lucky before, too, in terms of not losing too many people. There were people who had it far worse. That just wouldn't make this any easier. "Serena, I... I'm sorry."

It wouldn't help, and she knew that. It also seemed better than nothing, though, so she went with it.

[turnthebadinme]

Serena made a small, hurt noise, walking across the room to sink down into a chair, trusting her legs less the more she thought about this. Beat couldn't go back home, not with what might have been awaiting him, she felt certain of that. It wasn't fair. Life wasn't, but this was a whole new kind of cruel and she wouldn't believe it. Burying her face in her hands, she slumped forward, choking back a sudden sob. "I want to go home," she said, voice low and shaking. "I can't do this, I want to go home."

[learnwhatsreal]

"Hey." Before Jenny could even realize it, her face fell, and acting on instinct, she crossed to where Serena sat, crouching on the floor in front of her so she could try to meet her gaze, or as close to it as she could come while Serena's face was in her hands. "It's -" It's okay, she'd meant to say, wanted to say, but it wasn't true, and hearing Serena talk about wanting to go home like that only brought up all of her own insecurities. Dan had been gone for months now, and chances were, she would never see him again; it had been over a year since she'd seen either of her parents, since being in a coma still on the island didn't count. She didn't mind the island, not so much, but she wanted to go home, too. "You'll get through this," she said instead, her voice wavering a little, teeth pressed to her lower lip. "It sucks, I know it does, but you will. There's so many people here who care about you, and - I promise, you'll be alright, even if it doesn't feel like it now."

[turnthebadinme]

Serena took a deep breath, however shaky, slipping her hands back to press against her neck through her hair, still not able to bring herself to lift her head or meet Jenny's gaze. So maybe she did know. Maybe this was how knowing felt. All the searching had come to nothing and all she had left was this heavy ache in her chest and the dull certainty that there was nowhere left to look. "I can't," she said, "I can't, I can't, I can't." Clenching her jaw didn't stop the tears from starting again. "He's been here since the beginning, he's always been there. I don't -- I can't."

[learnwhatsreal]

"You can," Jenny said, her frown deepening, a hint of something insistent, close to pleading in her voice. In the past year, she had gotten to know Serena far better than she ever could have back home, and it still wasn't easy to see her falling apart like this, no matter how understandable it was. Beat had been her friend, too, and yet that loss didn't even begin to compare to how difficult this must have been for Serena. "Maybe it doesn't feel like it now, but you can. I - God, Serena, I'm so sorry."

[turnthebadinme]

It felt so entirely untrue, Serena didn't even have it in her to allow that Jenny was right. A time had come when she'd stopped missing Lyla and Dan the same way she once had, when the hurt from that and all her other losses had dulled to something easily set aside and ignored. This was different, this felt like something squeezing tight around her heart until it might really break, just burst and shatter inside her. No one had ever loved her the way Beat had -- for her as she was without judgment, fully, unconditionally. She was suddenly painfully sure no one ever would again, but it didn't seem to matter when she couldn't imagine this ache ever going away. Dizzy, cheeks burning, she shook her head, struggling to speak. "What do I do?" she asked. "Jenny, what do I do?"

[learnwhatsreal]

"You -" Jenny began, but faltered, unsure of herself. It was so long ago now that she couldn't even remember how she had coped with Dan's disappearance, other than making out with Nate, and even then it had been different, not a boyfriend and someone she was used to waking up next to, but someone she'd barely been speaking to in the first place, though she still regretted that more than probably anything else. It wasn't enough for her to have any idea what to do now, or what Serena was supposed to do. "I don't know," she admitted, cringing a little at how pitifully awkward it sounded. "Right now, just... focus on keeping going, I guess. You have to start somewhere, no matter how much it sucks. And I'm here for whatever."

[turnthebadinme]

Serena wasn't a stupid girl. For all her pretense at innocence, she wasn't particularly naive either. She had seen too much for that and been left too many times, and she had known that the price of falling in love was, sometimes, getting left. It just never seemed real. Men had always come and gone, but the very few she'd ever loved, she'd never believed they would go. No matter how many times she was let down or left behind, cast aside, she couldn't help believing. She built everything on her hopes and here it all went, falling down around her ears again -- not stupid but she never learned