(no subject)
As if I did it again. It's as though I learnt nothing fifteen months ago, and nothing could be further from the truth.
It took the fear of, and belief in, losing David to make me look at myself properly, and I hated what I saw. Totally dependent, to the point of losing autonomy. Disablingly needy, to the point of losing anything that anyone else might need. In essence, because the scenario looked happy, I sold myself just about the shortest I have ever done.
I have constructed the narrative such that David rescued me from self-destruction. For a year I've believed that. I think it would be more accurate to say that only I could have saved myself from anything. Only when I'd sorted myself out after Tom was I ready for the sort of connection that David began as. In place of a childish relationship, I engineered myself a childish form of humanity that came extremely close to destroying everything that was good about being with a boy I love, despite all of his faults and despite all of mine. All the work I did on surviving when I felt like I'd lost absolutely everyone - sacrificed, even, might be a more accurate term - almost came to nothing because the one thing I hadn't planned for was to fall so completely in love so quickly after the relationship to end all relationships, which had indeed ended all relationships. But this is no excuse. David must have fallen in love with something, and I've repressed anything he could ever have based that on. So hopefully I've been called on it early enough. I don't think I necessarily believe in a 'too late', but there is a 'too late' for me and David, and it would be a shame to have passed that because all the reasons we were good are still valid. Baby/bathwater.
It's no coincidence that I've only just started talking to loads of people I'd been neglecting. Somehow I managed to start thinking I didn't have anyone to save me. This is an example of the self-indulgence that got me to this almost rock-bottom for a second time. I'm incredibly lucky but it's hard to tell with your eyes shut.
Tonight, I'm in love. With David, yes, but that's not really what I mean. I'm in love in a non-transitive sense. I'm waking up, however incompletely.
It took the fear of, and belief in, losing David to make me look at myself properly, and I hated what I saw. Totally dependent, to the point of losing autonomy. Disablingly needy, to the point of losing anything that anyone else might need. In essence, because the scenario looked happy, I sold myself just about the shortest I have ever done.
I have constructed the narrative such that David rescued me from self-destruction. For a year I've believed that. I think it would be more accurate to say that only I could have saved myself from anything. Only when I'd sorted myself out after Tom was I ready for the sort of connection that David began as. In place of a childish relationship, I engineered myself a childish form of humanity that came extremely close to destroying everything that was good about being with a boy I love, despite all of his faults and despite all of mine. All the work I did on surviving when I felt like I'd lost absolutely everyone - sacrificed, even, might be a more accurate term - almost came to nothing because the one thing I hadn't planned for was to fall so completely in love so quickly after the relationship to end all relationships, which had indeed ended all relationships. But this is no excuse. David must have fallen in love with something, and I've repressed anything he could ever have based that on. So hopefully I've been called on it early enough. I don't think I necessarily believe in a 'too late', but there is a 'too late' for me and David, and it would be a shame to have passed that because all the reasons we were good are still valid. Baby/bathwater.
It's no coincidence that I've only just started talking to loads of people I'd been neglecting. Somehow I managed to start thinking I didn't have anyone to save me. This is an example of the self-indulgence that got me to this almost rock-bottom for a second time. I'm incredibly lucky but it's hard to tell with your eyes shut.
Tonight, I'm in love. With David, yes, but that's not really what I mean. I'm in love in a non-transitive sense. I'm waking up, however incompletely.