Don't fall down now, you will never get up...
I'm losing my fucking mind. I'm no longer living these days, rather just merely existing. Amidst all this stress I think I've forgotten who I am. I sleep on my days off until the evening time because honestly I really don't have anything to wake up for anymore. Usually on my vacations I'd be hangin out with my brother and causing trouble with my friends somewhere. Now I roll out of my coma around 5 or 6 in the evening, shower, throw on jeans and a t shirt, realize I won't be hanging out with my brother for a long time due to jail, and head to my families house to visit with my cancer infested father and hope that just maybe today I'll be lucky enough to talk him into eating something so he doesn't end up in the hospital again for dehydration. Found out last week that the doctors have stopped chemotherapy because it's making my dad too sick to function. The doctor told my mother that at this point there's not much more they can do for him and we need to start preparing ourselves for the inevitable. So, here I am...existing and virtually numb to any emotion that isn't chemically induced. I have my heart felt moments with friends from time to time and actually manage to cut loose and relax, but there's just an emptiness inside of me that I can't seem to fill. I feel like everywhere I go there's nothing left there for me to enjoy anymore. I just wish I knew where all this shit was taking me. Is there purpose behind it all or is this some kind of cruel punishment from God? I have been living in hell for 2 years. Life was going so great 2 years ago. I got an apartment with my best friend, my brother was planning on moving in so I'd have my two favorite people around me all the time, I was enjoying a new raise at work and new position, I was actually enjoying single life for once, and everyone around me was pretty content. Then BAM...Lindsay dies, my brother becomes a different person and becomes a pill addict, my dad gets diagnosed with cancer, my brother fails a drug test while on probation and gets thrown into jail and has been there for about a month and a half and could be facing about 3 yrs in prison over this. I mean is this all some kind of sick fucking joke? A nightmare maybe? I just hope I'll wake up one day and things will be the way they were. What happened to my fucking happy ending after my suicide attempt and overcoming addiction? I worked fucking hard to be where I am today and I think I deserve at least a little happiness. But no, not for my family. Our family has to be ripped apart in every single way. Our hearts have to be ripped out of our chest and stomped on every single day. I want to be happy again, but I have no fucking clue where to start.