hungover. haven't slept yet.
i don't know where this is heading ... or if it will ever be read by the person who's eyes need to eventually see it. in honesty, all of it, i feel like i'm not living my life right now. i'm listening to this kings of convenience song 'homesick' and i feel as though its a soundtrack to my seemingly hopeless (but really not so much so) position. i feel so numb to my own feelings as of late, that i don't even feel like they belong to me. which sounds, cliched, but it is the truth.
i've been miserable lately. its obvious. and perhaps i'm going through a quarterlife crisis ... perhaps i'm destined to not be happy ... perhaps its just a bout of depression, but its occuring quite noticeably and beyond my control.
i cry when i get on the subway for no reason ... i cry sometimes when i wake up and sometimes when i'm going to sleep. yesterday, i spent the whole entire day crying after a very minor upset occured. and its weird, because a chunk of my day was amazing.
it's hard for me to get excited about anything these days. the things and people i do get excited about disapoint me, but it may posibly be because i've set expectations a bit too high.
and there are things with phillip.
its definitely not him. i think he could be pretty wonderful for me and i feel if i were there or he here, we'd have amazing potentia;. but that's not how it is. and, what are the odds that we'll share a continent in the near future.
i think about this so often. and, i have no clue what i want... other than the 'what' i'm wanting that is presently impossible. but when hasn't that been the case.
i don't know what is going on, but i expect too much.
like yesterday, all i wanted was to talk to someone who cared about me. and phillip wasn't even an option, so how does that make us right. and, lately that's been hapening a lot. which is so not either of our fault... but it still exists.
i have been feeling so completely alone and i hate that feeling so much. its scary.
i don't know what i want in any area of my life - i think i really need to check in with reality and lower my expectation of where things in general, because i think i'm misleading myself a lot.
i don't know...
its weird. i don't want to meet someone else, or even date, i just want to figure myself out. and where i stand and what i feel... and i'm scared i'm not doing that right now. but, at the same time i feel like i've done that. i guess its a neverending process though... but shouldn't the person you're with forward that along? i'd like to think so.
truly it is something i should figure out on my own and keep others out, but i've already messed up there.
i don't know what else to say . and, i probably did not have to say anything. but, i was a mess yesterday. and though what's written in this isn't why i was a mess, exactly, it lends to my sadness more often than not.
i'm so afraid of people being angry at what i feel or don't feel for them. i feel like i should be lucky to have people interested in me, but ... somethings feel so wrong. i wish phillip were here to be interested in me.
look at me, spilling my core out upon the internet.
i'm just a bit of a mess right now and i'm scared that i'm going to ruin things with particular people and as a side effect of my inability to control how crazy i feel.
does that make any sense.
i've been miserable lately. its obvious. and perhaps i'm going through a quarterlife crisis ... perhaps i'm destined to not be happy ... perhaps its just a bout of depression, but its occuring quite noticeably and beyond my control.
i cry when i get on the subway for no reason ... i cry sometimes when i wake up and sometimes when i'm going to sleep. yesterday, i spent the whole entire day crying after a very minor upset occured. and its weird, because a chunk of my day was amazing.
it's hard for me to get excited about anything these days. the things and people i do get excited about disapoint me, but it may posibly be because i've set expectations a bit too high.
and there are things with phillip.
its definitely not him. i think he could be pretty wonderful for me and i feel if i were there or he here, we'd have amazing potentia;. but that's not how it is. and, what are the odds that we'll share a continent in the near future.
i think about this so often. and, i have no clue what i want... other than the 'what' i'm wanting that is presently impossible. but when hasn't that been the case.
i don't know what is going on, but i expect too much.
like yesterday, all i wanted was to talk to someone who cared about me. and phillip wasn't even an option, so how does that make us right. and, lately that's been hapening a lot. which is so not either of our fault... but it still exists.
i have been feeling so completely alone and i hate that feeling so much. its scary.
i don't know what i want in any area of my life - i think i really need to check in with reality and lower my expectation of where things in general, because i think i'm misleading myself a lot.
i don't know...
its weird. i don't want to meet someone else, or even date, i just want to figure myself out. and where i stand and what i feel... and i'm scared i'm not doing that right now. but, at the same time i feel like i've done that. i guess its a neverending process though... but shouldn't the person you're with forward that along? i'd like to think so.
truly it is something i should figure out on my own and keep others out, but i've already messed up there.
i don't know what else to say . and, i probably did not have to say anything. but, i was a mess yesterday. and though what's written in this isn't why i was a mess, exactly, it lends to my sadness more often than not.
i'm so afraid of people being angry at what i feel or don't feel for them. i feel like i should be lucky to have people interested in me, but ... somethings feel so wrong. i wish phillip were here to be interested in me.
look at me, spilling my core out upon the internet.
i'm just a bit of a mess right now and i'm scared that i'm going to ruin things with particular people and as a side effect of my inability to control how crazy i feel.
does that make any sense.