Burnout gets c/old
As part of my hermitting and getting myself sorted out to do school work, I have been going through all my stacks of papers (five boxes) and filing them. Sure, I planned to take two days to do it; it's now a full two weeks. I've been flipping through day-planners and seeing how much I used to do, how creative I was and how active and clear-thinking, plans written up for zines and for events and everything, and I feel like, Fuck. How is it that I'm reduced to such a small fragment of a person now; and how long is this going to go on?
It really hit me full in the face today. Left me crying hard, which I always take as a good sign now because there was a long time of no crying that was much worse. I think maybe MC's right, we have to at some point grieve for the life we didn't have (though she didn't mean due to burn-out) because we live in resistance. We're not going to be the happy people at peace in the world, spending our lives as we're evolved to; and in the face of the horrible oppression going on in the world that just becomes our own little tragedy.
A lot of people, especially related to my school program who know I'm on a "reflection year", ask how the (now past) year is going for me. Every time I manage something like "oh, it's hard but good." Because how do you respond to what is essentially the question, "how's it going facing your personal Hell?" I've taken to amusing myself with describing it in my head in terms of Dante's Inferno: "'round about the Styx now..."--both useful and exceedingly offensive.
The check to my thinking right now is that I know Dave B. was feeling similar to this, and it breaks my heart for him, and then it breaks my heart for me too. Best to go gentle on one's self, and tend plants. Best to post in the 'ol journal, eh; that's what it's for.
It really hit me full in the face today. Left me crying hard, which I always take as a good sign now because there was a long time of no crying that was much worse. I think maybe MC's right, we have to at some point grieve for the life we didn't have (though she didn't mean due to burn-out) because we live in resistance. We're not going to be the happy people at peace in the world, spending our lives as we're evolved to; and in the face of the horrible oppression going on in the world that just becomes our own little tragedy.
A lot of people, especially related to my school program who know I'm on a "reflection year", ask how the (now past) year is going for me. Every time I manage something like "oh, it's hard but good." Because how do you respond to what is essentially the question, "how's it going facing your personal Hell?" I've taken to amusing myself with describing it in my head in terms of Dante's Inferno: "'round about the Styx now..."--both useful and exceedingly offensive.
The check to my thinking right now is that I know Dave B. was feeling similar to this, and it breaks my heart for him, and then it breaks my heart for me too. Best to go gentle on one's self, and tend plants. Best to post in the 'ol journal, eh; that's what it's for.