nightmiresinmyheartthatiletlosefornoone2hearlikehowiscreamwhennobodyisaroundtohearit
went to rocky, it was a complete wait of time, i wish i didn't have to ever sleep again, wish i could go hang out at mouse house right how, he's up right now right? i don't want to back to school, but i need to right? i need to, i don't want to back to dad or ever move my shit back and forth ever again, do i have to? no, should i do it though because it's really the right thing to do isn't it?yes, SHIT! WHY CAN'T I HAVE MY OWN PLACE! because my parents don't trust me and they don't understand or comperhend the idea, the fact that one day that i will me moving out, living on my own, out of high school and maybe out of their lives, isn't that crazy to you? it must be to my crazy to them, i don't want to do this anymore, i don't want to yell at myself over stupid shit that races though my mind and makes me want to scream at myself and hate everything about mayself! i didn't want to tear myself down anymore but i don't want to do but i have and i'm ranting but i think i need it. shit shit shit! why do i have to get so confused?! and why i have to sleep! i don't want to sleep, sarah come get me, get me out of high school and never make me go back, lets all go buy a house by the beach and be crazy bohemans and make art and do stupid things and learn from them and make a little sence out of this world. my back is on fire and so is my throat, i'm dieing, atleast mckenzie will be there, shit... i miss people, i want them to be with me, i crave people like men crave sex like animals crave water in a desert, shit shit shit. shoot me in the head! feel my soul and let me do what i want without thing, "shit what if they don't want it?!" "what if he doesn't like me?!" "mom will get mad at me for this" "dad will be disappointed" "eileen is gunna yell at me" FUCK THAT! there sirens going off all around my nieghborhood, why am i in this world? and why can't i leave yet? why wasn't i that person that went flying out of the back of my friends car on they way to see my brother in portland, why wasn't i there fro that person that killed themselves because the didn't feel love? i don't want to lose more people but i need losing them. and the people i don't want to lose are the ones i do. and the ones i want to lose stay, i'm so scared of being left i pretend i don't give a shit about people. or atleast thats what suzie say, but where the fuck is suzie?! where is mouse? where is sarah? where is desi? where is mckenzie? where is saskia? where are those people who "understand" and want to be there? nobody there when i'm sick, when i need a hug when i need sombody there to give me a reality check or help me get out of it. i just want to run all the way there but i don't know if i wanted so i stay put like i always do... i want to be free but i don't have the means to be free... i wanna be free so bad that i almost make it impostable for me to leave. shit, no like anybody is gunna read this anyway wishing i never had to sleep again and i didn'tfeel i have to write this shit down.