Life and death
Chris is getting a wisdom tooth out that's trying to stab a knife in to his brain. For once it's not going to cost an arm and a leg but he still will have to get them one at a time to pay for it.
My sister and broinlaw had to put their dog Samson down. He had an intestinal abscess and wasn't eating. He already had lived an extra year with botched kidneys thanks to Derek giving him saline (being a biomed guy helps). I called it that he wouldn't make it before the baby was born.
Also, it's for sure they're having a boy. I'm getting excited. But being the pessimist I am I keep thinking up how having a kid is asking for heartbreak. What if the baby has terrible genetic defects? What if there's a terrible accident and he dies at a young age? What if he has crippling food allergies? (That one was from listening to NPR, thanks Diane Rehm v_v).
And parenting, holy shit. How can you be sure you are not raising a kid to be neurotic, or a douchebag, or a bully, or a lazyass. What if he likes 'girly things' but you expect him to be traditionally boy-ish and give him a complex? How do you do it right, so they become a good person, or at the very least, a mentally stable person? It's crazy things you can't think about, like how you interact with the kid as an infant that wires its brain in a particular way. What if you teach him bad habits or weird beliefs about the world and he's a terrible person? I couldn't handle that kind of pressure.
I know I can look back at my upbringing and see what things fucked me up. I didn't have responsibilities like chores or babysitting so I never learned self discipline. Listening to my mom talk constantly about terrible things, like complaining, gave me pessimism and didn't help my depression.
Pretty much no matter what happens you are going to give your kid SOMETHING bad along with the good.
This is one more nail in the coffin in holy shit I'm not doing kids. Also I am absolutely terrible with them so this will be fun.
What's scary is I can feel the "baby crazies". I can look at commercials with them and be like "oh man that is really happy and joyful that would be pretty excellent" but I see the ploy. It is a biological response, a POWERFUL one, that very obviously helps propagate the species. It's like getting horny, except emotionally horny. That doesn't make the love any less real, but we are still physical animals with a deep biological history. I can totally understand the desire, and indulge in it. But I know that it's not constantly the happy glow of pregnancy feeling when you make a baby. And as a cognizant creature able to make the choice, I can ignore the desire, and do other things. (Also as someone with severe mental illness barely left in check, I'm just asking for problems if I reproduce. That'd be outright irresponsible).
I told Chris I was getting excited for the baby and he said "oh you are a girl after all". So guys can't be happy to see a baby at all?? He didn't mean it to the extent that I felt it, but I felt like just because I showed the littlest interest in a larval person that I was exactly the same as the baby crazy housewives with whatever. wtf argh no I am just happy I can enjoy mr. baby and then LEAVE HIM. Just because I ate one cookie doesn't mean I want to eat ALL the cookies. I want to be able to enjoy this without being shoved in that group, a group I've disliked since I was a kid. :C
I'm dying to get permanent birth control but since I'm on my parent's insurance I think my mom wouldn't even let me. She'd flip out, have a crying fit, argue with me, there'd be lots of yelling. I hate it.
My sister and broinlaw had to put their dog Samson down. He had an intestinal abscess and wasn't eating. He already had lived an extra year with botched kidneys thanks to Derek giving him saline (being a biomed guy helps). I called it that he wouldn't make it before the baby was born.
Also, it's for sure they're having a boy. I'm getting excited. But being the pessimist I am I keep thinking up how having a kid is asking for heartbreak. What if the baby has terrible genetic defects? What if there's a terrible accident and he dies at a young age? What if he has crippling food allergies? (That one was from listening to NPR, thanks Diane Rehm v_v).
And parenting, holy shit. How can you be sure you are not raising a kid to be neurotic, or a douchebag, or a bully, or a lazyass. What if he likes 'girly things' but you expect him to be traditionally boy-ish and give him a complex? How do you do it right, so they become a good person, or at the very least, a mentally stable person? It's crazy things you can't think about, like how you interact with the kid as an infant that wires its brain in a particular way. What if you teach him bad habits or weird beliefs about the world and he's a terrible person? I couldn't handle that kind of pressure.
I know I can look back at my upbringing and see what things fucked me up. I didn't have responsibilities like chores or babysitting so I never learned self discipline. Listening to my mom talk constantly about terrible things, like complaining, gave me pessimism and didn't help my depression.
Pretty much no matter what happens you are going to give your kid SOMETHING bad along with the good.
This is one more nail in the coffin in holy shit I'm not doing kids. Also I am absolutely terrible with them so this will be fun.
What's scary is I can feel the "baby crazies". I can look at commercials with them and be like "oh man that is really happy and joyful that would be pretty excellent" but I see the ploy. It is a biological response, a POWERFUL one, that very obviously helps propagate the species. It's like getting horny, except emotionally horny. That doesn't make the love any less real, but we are still physical animals with a deep biological history. I can totally understand the desire, and indulge in it. But I know that it's not constantly the happy glow of pregnancy feeling when you make a baby. And as a cognizant creature able to make the choice, I can ignore the desire, and do other things. (Also as someone with severe mental illness barely left in check, I'm just asking for problems if I reproduce. That'd be outright irresponsible).
I told Chris I was getting excited for the baby and he said "oh you are a girl after all". So guys can't be happy to see a baby at all?? He didn't mean it to the extent that I felt it, but I felt like just because I showed the littlest interest in a larval person that I was exactly the same as the baby crazy housewives with whatever. wtf argh no I am just happy I can enjoy mr. baby and then LEAVE HIM. Just because I ate one cookie doesn't mean I want to eat ALL the cookies. I want to be able to enjoy this without being shoved in that group, a group I've disliked since I was a kid. :C
I'm dying to get permanent birth control but since I'm on my parent's insurance I think my mom wouldn't even let me. She'd flip out, have a crying fit, argue with me, there'd be lots of yelling. I hate it.