If someone starts a blog, but nobody reads it, was it ever written?... or something..
Ok so..Mainly starting this because my ex/best friend of 7 years or so recently stopped talking to me and I kind of need an outlet. While I would like to vent here on days that I'm feeling shitty, which is still quite often, I'm mostly going to be using this as a sort of means of communicating with him if he's interested in my life/thoughts/feelings at all. I might write the whole story down at some point, so save your judgements till you know what transpired.
How to start.. hmm.. Well firstly I guess I'll say this whole situation atm seems retarded to me. The whole thing behind him not talking to me now is that we 'don't get along' supposedly. I recently visited him at the end of January. From the very first night I arrived he spent a majority of his time on his cell phone texting other people. It was some female co-worker of his, though I would have been annoyed if he was on the phone all that time with another guy too. It did admitedly sting more since it was a girl, but the main issue was I felt like he rather talk to/be with whoever was on the other side of his texts. I thought he'd at least pay a little more attention to me my first night there. Seem happy or excited to see me. Something like that. But it was like I wasn't even there. He left the lights/tv off and just laid down on his couch and proceeded to text this person. I tried to say a couple things to him, but it's usually hard to talk to him at all if he's reading or listening to something else.
I eventually gave up on waiting for him to be done with his conversation or for him to attempt to talk to me/do something with me and I went to go lay down under the covers in his room since I was literally freezing (he didn't turn on the heat either when we arrived at the house and it was like 20-30 degrees.) To be fair to him, he did come in the room eventually and initiated a brief sexual encounter (like 10 minutes). But as soon as we were done he just went back out to the couch and continued texting till I don't even know how late. I thought he was going to come to bed after since he said he was exhausted, but nope. I woke up several times throughout the night just to hear him texting still. His house was pretty quiet, you could hear everything x.x I went out to the living room at one point and asked if he wasn't coming to bed because it was awkward or he was uncomfortable sleeping with me or something, and said I'd sleep on the couch or in the guest room instead if that was the case since he had to go to work in the morning. He said it was fine. So I went back to bed. He never did come to bed that night.
The next day it was the same thing, cept more, since I arrived kinda late the night before. This day he was burried in his phone from the moment he arrived home from work till he eventually passed out I guess. Cept for another brief sexual encounter I asked him for. His phone was blowing up while we were busy with that too, it was pretty annoying. But again, after we were done with that, he just went right back out to his phone and didn't come to bed that night again. This was a Friday night, I was hoping hed make more of an effort since he didn't have to work the next day, but whatever. The next morning on Saturday when I woke up and saw he hadn't come to bed I just went to go lay in his guest room since I figured he wasn't coming to bed because of me. I came back downstairs to his room to get something out of my suitcase and saw he was finally in his bed, which made me think he was avoiding it because of me, and he also had his phone laying there next to him with their conversation window up. This was the straw that broke the camels back, sorta. It was early as fuck in the morning and they were already at it? Couldn't they give it a fucking rest already? When was he going to be free for me?
I hate fighting with him, and I didn't want it to be a fight, especially since I just arrived there. So, I decided to write to him about it instead of get swept up in some verbal confrontation with him. I didn't curse or anything of the sort. I'm usually walking on eggshells if I ever do have a problem I need to bring to him since he has anger issues and things usually get out of hand fast. We kind of had an understanding/agreement that he wouldn't be texting or flirting with other girls while I was there. We were in this group of friends that was always ragging on him for flirting with/texting this other girl 24/7, so I told him before I arrived that I wouldn't even want to go visit him if that's how it was going to be. I asked him not to put me through that. He sounded all offended I'd even suggest he would do something like that. "Yeah, cuz I'd totally fucking do that." He told me he doesn't even talk to anyone, period. Sometimes I'd hear cell notifications when we'd be on a call, and I'd figure it was a text, but he'd always say it was an e-mail and that nobody ever texts him. So I was just pointing out that that was exactly what I was worried about happening and I didn't even expect it would be as bad as it is now. That I thought if anything it might happen like twice a week for 15 minutes or so. I said maybe he might have wanted me there before he started talking to this new person, but it definitely didn't seem like that was the case now. I said I was glad he was finally making friends in his new town though.
Anyhow, I decided to take a nap while waiting on him to respond, but he never did. 6 hours later I decided to try and ask him about it in person and it didn't go over well. From the get go he was like "You didn't have the balls to say it to my face, so I don't give a fuck." I told him I sent it via a message because I didn't want to argue or yell or curse or anything of the sort and he just mocked me for trying to avoid confrontation. Like "Oh man, cursing and talking loud, its so bad..." He called me immature and childish and retarded for having a problem with him texting several hours a night. He tried to tell me nothing was going on with this other girl, but I told him even if it was another guy he was talking to its still rude to ignore me for so long and be engrossed in his phone. I wasn't expecting him to be this stubborn and insulting about it, tbh. His reaction to it just added fuel to the fire. I couldn't believe he wasn't willing to make an effort to be a slightly better host or something. He was basically just like fuck you and your feelings. This maybe made me start to suspect something was going on with the other girl since he wasn't willing to try any harder for me. He'd rather burn bridges with me so he could keep talking to this girl uninterrupted than set his phone down an hour or so a night to hang out with me. I felt like she was more important to him. Anyways, in my anger I eventually said "This isn't fun for me. I didn't come here to listen to you be on the phone with other people the whole time, so send me home when its cheap/safe." Typical woman move, I know. I didn't really want him to send me home. I just wanted him to know it bothered me that much. Not that I would have stayed if he kept that up, so I guess I did technically want to go home if he wasn't willing to change/make an effort for me. But when I said it, I was just hoping he would try harder so that I wouldn't want to leave. But he opted to send me home, and we were mostly shitty the rest of the time I was there.
On Monday I thought things were better. That we had made up/got past it and he would try more for me. He left his phone in the kitchen when he got home. We watched a movie together. I got to talk to him some. I thanked him for spending the time with me. He initiated sex after rejecting me all weekend. This time it was actual enjoyable/generous sex too. I thought we were fine. The next day though he came home and just handed me his phone and told me to see when someone could pick me up from the airport. He wasn't willing to talk about it or try to fix anything. He was so angry and I was so thrown off. I thought maybe something happened at work to piss him off. But in any case, that's what happened and the rest of the trip was miserable. He barely allowed me to speak to him. Wouldn't allow me to touch him. I still wanted to make the most out of the trip there but he wasn't having it. I wondered if he started a relationship with someone else so he was cutting me off now to be faithful to them. Some of our mutual friends suggested maybe he's bipolar, which would make sense.. but I really don't know.
It's been 2 months just about since he sent me back home. I had questions for a while, but he talked to me some time last week to clear up some of the questions I had. I thought maybe he flew me out there just to break my heart in person so we'd finally be able to move on from eachother. Another thought was maybe he just fell for someone else. I had a couple other theories too, but in the end, he was blaming me for having a problem with the excessive texting. Which I don't understand because he said if I brought it to him the first night I was there instead of the third, he would have reacted differently. If he was capable of a different reaction at all, why couldnt he just have that same reaction on Saturday? If he was willing to make an effort on Thursday, that makes me think maybe he kind of understands he was being kind of rude or could have paid more attention to me. If he understands that then he should get why I was upset about it and not be holding this against me as a "We don't get along" thing. I was gonna add something else to that but I forgot it while I was forming that sentence.
Anyways, this is like the 3rd or 4th time, maybe even the 5th that hes cut me off after he's started talking to a new girl. I know that sounds pathetic, but whatever, I'm still here, and I still miss him/want to keep talking to him. Shady behavior aside, he has been my best friend kinda. Anyhow, stopping this entry for now. I'm sure I'll share more of our history soon enough in between my updates for him.
How to start.. hmm.. Well firstly I guess I'll say this whole situation atm seems retarded to me. The whole thing behind him not talking to me now is that we 'don't get along' supposedly. I recently visited him at the end of January. From the very first night I arrived he spent a majority of his time on his cell phone texting other people. It was some female co-worker of his, though I would have been annoyed if he was on the phone all that time with another guy too. It did admitedly sting more since it was a girl, but the main issue was I felt like he rather talk to/be with whoever was on the other side of his texts. I thought he'd at least pay a little more attention to me my first night there. Seem happy or excited to see me. Something like that. But it was like I wasn't even there. He left the lights/tv off and just laid down on his couch and proceeded to text this person. I tried to say a couple things to him, but it's usually hard to talk to him at all if he's reading or listening to something else.
I eventually gave up on waiting for him to be done with his conversation or for him to attempt to talk to me/do something with me and I went to go lay down under the covers in his room since I was literally freezing (he didn't turn on the heat either when we arrived at the house and it was like 20-30 degrees.) To be fair to him, he did come in the room eventually and initiated a brief sexual encounter (like 10 minutes). But as soon as we were done he just went back out to the couch and continued texting till I don't even know how late. I thought he was going to come to bed after since he said he was exhausted, but nope. I woke up several times throughout the night just to hear him texting still. His house was pretty quiet, you could hear everything x.x I went out to the living room at one point and asked if he wasn't coming to bed because it was awkward or he was uncomfortable sleeping with me or something, and said I'd sleep on the couch or in the guest room instead if that was the case since he had to go to work in the morning. He said it was fine. So I went back to bed. He never did come to bed that night.
The next day it was the same thing, cept more, since I arrived kinda late the night before. This day he was burried in his phone from the moment he arrived home from work till he eventually passed out I guess. Cept for another brief sexual encounter I asked him for. His phone was blowing up while we were busy with that too, it was pretty annoying. But again, after we were done with that, he just went right back out to his phone and didn't come to bed that night again. This was a Friday night, I was hoping hed make more of an effort since he didn't have to work the next day, but whatever. The next morning on Saturday when I woke up and saw he hadn't come to bed I just went to go lay in his guest room since I figured he wasn't coming to bed because of me. I came back downstairs to his room to get something out of my suitcase and saw he was finally in his bed, which made me think he was avoiding it because of me, and he also had his phone laying there next to him with their conversation window up. This was the straw that broke the camels back, sorta. It was early as fuck in the morning and they were already at it? Couldn't they give it a fucking rest already? When was he going to be free for me?
I hate fighting with him, and I didn't want it to be a fight, especially since I just arrived there. So, I decided to write to him about it instead of get swept up in some verbal confrontation with him. I didn't curse or anything of the sort. I'm usually walking on eggshells if I ever do have a problem I need to bring to him since he has anger issues and things usually get out of hand fast. We kind of had an understanding/agreement that he wouldn't be texting or flirting with other girls while I was there. We were in this group of friends that was always ragging on him for flirting with/texting this other girl 24/7, so I told him before I arrived that I wouldn't even want to go visit him if that's how it was going to be. I asked him not to put me through that. He sounded all offended I'd even suggest he would do something like that. "Yeah, cuz I'd totally fucking do that." He told me he doesn't even talk to anyone, period. Sometimes I'd hear cell notifications when we'd be on a call, and I'd figure it was a text, but he'd always say it was an e-mail and that nobody ever texts him. So I was just pointing out that that was exactly what I was worried about happening and I didn't even expect it would be as bad as it is now. That I thought if anything it might happen like twice a week for 15 minutes or so. I said maybe he might have wanted me there before he started talking to this new person, but it definitely didn't seem like that was the case now. I said I was glad he was finally making friends in his new town though.
Anyhow, I decided to take a nap while waiting on him to respond, but he never did. 6 hours later I decided to try and ask him about it in person and it didn't go over well. From the get go he was like "You didn't have the balls to say it to my face, so I don't give a fuck." I told him I sent it via a message because I didn't want to argue or yell or curse or anything of the sort and he just mocked me for trying to avoid confrontation. Like "Oh man, cursing and talking loud, its so bad..." He called me immature and childish and retarded for having a problem with him texting several hours a night. He tried to tell me nothing was going on with this other girl, but I told him even if it was another guy he was talking to its still rude to ignore me for so long and be engrossed in his phone. I wasn't expecting him to be this stubborn and insulting about it, tbh. His reaction to it just added fuel to the fire. I couldn't believe he wasn't willing to make an effort to be a slightly better host or something. He was basically just like fuck you and your feelings. This maybe made me start to suspect something was going on with the other girl since he wasn't willing to try any harder for me. He'd rather burn bridges with me so he could keep talking to this girl uninterrupted than set his phone down an hour or so a night to hang out with me. I felt like she was more important to him. Anyways, in my anger I eventually said "This isn't fun for me. I didn't come here to listen to you be on the phone with other people the whole time, so send me home when its cheap/safe." Typical woman move, I know. I didn't really want him to send me home. I just wanted him to know it bothered me that much. Not that I would have stayed if he kept that up, so I guess I did technically want to go home if he wasn't willing to change/make an effort for me. But when I said it, I was just hoping he would try harder so that I wouldn't want to leave. But he opted to send me home, and we were mostly shitty the rest of the time I was there.
On Monday I thought things were better. That we had made up/got past it and he would try more for me. He left his phone in the kitchen when he got home. We watched a movie together. I got to talk to him some. I thanked him for spending the time with me. He initiated sex after rejecting me all weekend. This time it was actual enjoyable/generous sex too. I thought we were fine. The next day though he came home and just handed me his phone and told me to see when someone could pick me up from the airport. He wasn't willing to talk about it or try to fix anything. He was so angry and I was so thrown off. I thought maybe something happened at work to piss him off. But in any case, that's what happened and the rest of the trip was miserable. He barely allowed me to speak to him. Wouldn't allow me to touch him. I still wanted to make the most out of the trip there but he wasn't having it. I wondered if he started a relationship with someone else so he was cutting me off now to be faithful to them. Some of our mutual friends suggested maybe he's bipolar, which would make sense.. but I really don't know.
It's been 2 months just about since he sent me back home. I had questions for a while, but he talked to me some time last week to clear up some of the questions I had. I thought maybe he flew me out there just to break my heart in person so we'd finally be able to move on from eachother. Another thought was maybe he just fell for someone else. I had a couple other theories too, but in the end, he was blaming me for having a problem with the excessive texting. Which I don't understand because he said if I brought it to him the first night I was there instead of the third, he would have reacted differently. If he was capable of a different reaction at all, why couldnt he just have that same reaction on Saturday? If he was willing to make an effort on Thursday, that makes me think maybe he kind of understands he was being kind of rude or could have paid more attention to me. If he understands that then he should get why I was upset about it and not be holding this against me as a "We don't get along" thing. I was gonna add something else to that but I forgot it while I was forming that sentence.
Anyways, this is like the 3rd or 4th time, maybe even the 5th that hes cut me off after he's started talking to a new girl. I know that sounds pathetic, but whatever, I'm still here, and I still miss him/want to keep talking to him. Shady behavior aside, he has been my best friend kinda. Anyhow, stopping this entry for now. I'm sure I'll share more of our history soon enough in between my updates for him.