...
I'm hungry, bored and on my own. My arse hurts from sitting in this uncomfortable dining chair seat all day.
But I am happy, weirdly enough.
I have had a day of solid gaming - Something I have not had the luxury of doing in what feels like a really long time. I've completed Portal, which I brought yesterday (and honestly, I don't see what the massive fuss is about the whole 'the cake is a lie' thing. I find it more spooky than something worthy of becoming an internet meme), and I've been playing audiosurf while waiting for Left4Dead 2 to download (my internet has not coped well with this, at all. Audiosurf and Beyond Good and Evil were fine, but L4D2? Nah-uh. Does not wanna complete it anytime soon).
I think that if I balance my day with gaming, a little bit of work and some socialising, these next twenty days will go quickly. And I can work on my anxiety! Namely, solving it and moving on with my life.
Later today, I will be seeing a group of individuals I have not seen for a very long time - My old friends from college. In between work, University and everything else that's been going on, I've neglected them severely. But I'm not the only one guilty of this, it seems. I'm also seeing my ex best friend of seven years the day after for the first time in aaaaages (because really, does fifteen minutes on my birthday really count?). Then I'm giving my car a new paint job to fix a scrape some dickhead kindly left me. £234. The money I saved on my car insurance from not having an accident is paying for someone else's accident, brilliant! However, this is a very good price considering the size of the scrape, and I've had quotes exceeding £300 for the same job, and this man is a true expert in what he does. I've heard nothing but good things about him. Then, on Sunday, I'm off to a friends birthday bash/world cup BBQ thingie.
I'm somewhat anxious about this because I think my ex boyfriend will be there also. We're still on friendly terms, but there remains an awkwardness which can only be explained by the fact that I blatantly dumped him for someone else.
... Don't look at me like that. I know what you're thinking, but I genuinely wasn't happy with him. Hadn't been for a long while. But I carried on, believing that things would somehow get better if I kept talking to him about it.
It didn't. He lost me and he's suffering the consequences. I feel bad for him, I genuinely do. He was a very nice guy to me. But in the end he wasn't making me happy and I gave him so many chances.
He was a great guy. Just not a great boyfriend.
Though it's still early days, I'm hoping that things with me and Xiaofang will only go from strength to strength. In some respects I feel like a failure for having had two failed relationships in the space of two years. But considering that some of the people I went to College with had slipped in seventeen different blokes before their nineteenth birthday, I don't let it get to me.
It's not as if I didn't try, either. I tried so very hard to make things work. I convinced myself that I still loved him, even though the fact that I didn't was driven home quite clearly during sex, while I was with Xiaofang, while I was at home talking to him on the phone...
I still don't really feel guilty about what I did - So instead I'm left with meta-guilt. I should feel like a horrible person for what happened and how things ended, but I don't. I can't.
I'm happy now, even if I don't always let on, or seem intent on sabotaging that happiness with my anxiety or paranoia.
This is making no sense now and I shoud probably have quit several minutes ago.
I'm really tired.
Twenty days to go. Then I can hear your voice again. Then things won't be so bearable. Until then, I will have to be satisfied with emails, communicating over our DS's, MSN, SteamChat... I'm sure that things will work out.
It always does, in the end.