it rains again
I've been feeling nauseated since I woke up this morning, my mouth felt wrong but my mom thought it's because I hadn't eat rice since weeks ago. In fact, I couldn't remember when was the last time I ate rice, I've just stopped eating it altogether because it's making me nauseated. I eat bread and other carbs like potato instead. I'm still eating normally and regularly, unlike two years ago on 2010, from June to July when I didn't eat anything except a slice of wheat bread and a cup of milk for breakfast.
2 months, it required to months for me to lose 22 lbs and I worked so hard for that. I didn't want my hard works to go to waste, that's why I'm always cautious about what I'm eating and feel insecure about my weight. Sometimes I blamed myself whenever I eat something, feeling immensely guilty, I'm scared to get fat again because I'm thinking about those two months. I love to eat, I love chocolate, I love cakes, I love Ice Cream, I love all of them. I hate vegetables.I hate working out, I used to hate yoghurt, but in those two months I have to alienate myself away from what I love and indulge myself with what I hate. Gaining another weight is a big slap for me, it's like what I have been working for has turned into nothing.
I didn't do this, dieting, to impress or attract people. Since I was a child, I've been fat, I always feel ugly, not worthed, shy, low self-esteem. Deep down I just want to be slim and pretty and beautiful but the judgement I've put upon myself based on my body made me unable to be so. People may think this want of me to be beautiful is stupid, that look is not everything, but let's be honest; when you see good looking people and bad looking people, who left better impression on you? I'm being like this is purely to satisfy my own need, if I had anyone to impress with being like this, that person is no one but myself.
Back to my mom, she suddenly brought 'him' into this. She said; "Is it because of him? Does he want you to be slim and thin? Did he tell you to diet?"
CUE MY TAGLINE; NOT AMUSED.
Please, mom, I've been like this since June 2010 and I remember you had this problem with my eating habit too back then. I knew him October 2010. Therefore, there is absolutely no relation between him and my refusal to eat rice or any kind of food.
Changing yourself for other people, even for family or the person you love, is stupid for me. I'm sorry if you think differently, feel free to object but this is my honest opinion. The only one who can change myself and make myself change is none other than myself. Maybe I wanted to change for other people but I will never do it purely for them. Let's say I will see first if changing bring me greater good, then I'd change.
Girl who changed for their boyfriend is also stupid. I'm sorry if any of you feel offended, but once again, this is merely my opinion. I'm sorry. What she said was implying that I changed because of him. Please, even if he said he prefer seeing me with jeans than skirt, I didn't throw away my skirt and stuffed jeans into my wardrobe, I didn't always wear jeans around him, I'm still wearing my skirt when we meet. He likes me the way I am, why should I change for him? Doesn't it mean changing myself from someone he likes into another person?
I should stop writing this because this post has gotten wao wao wao, well, you get it. Just, I'M COMPLETELY NOT AMUSED.