Writer's Block: Pecking Order
My family situations are a bit complicated. I'm technically the youngest in two of my families, the oldest in one.
For my Blood Family, I have an older brother and two older sisters. My brother and my oldest sister are from my dad's first marriage, and my other sister is from my mom's first marriage - I'm their only child together. It had a huge influence on our relationships: my brother and oldest sister weren't around much when I was growing up, and while I care about them, we're not close. I really don't know them, and they don't know me. Which saddens me, because I'd like to, but it's hard to bridge the gap after so many years, and sometimes I'm not even sure they want to.
The younger of my older sisters and I did grow up together, but our relationship is still complicated. She liked to tease me a lot, and we're so different that we were never all that close. That changed after Blowing Smoke, though. (God, has it really been a year and a half now?) We know each other to a point, and I'd like to think she knows me enough to know that I'm not malicious by nature. She was the one person out of my whole family to say she honestly didn't see what the big deal was, although she credits that to a generation gap that's taught us about blogging and sharing thoughts with strangers. We'd bonded a little after she went to college, as she finally seemed to notice that we didn't have much of a relationship at the time, but after Blowing Smoke ... -Smiles faintly- She was the first person to understand. And I love her so much for that. She understands me enough to know that while I'm hurt enough to not be talking to my parents, I still care about their well-being, and updates me whenever I ask about them. We check up on each other every couple months, and I can honestly say I love her now, which isn't something I say lightly. I believe in *liking* someone, but only saying I love you when I truly mean it. I like my big brother and oldest sister, but I *love* my other sister.
My second family, which I often refer to as my Heart Family, consists of a small group of friends I've been close to since I was in high school and consequently adopted as siblings. In this case, the ages go sister, sister, brother, sister, and me. My oldest sister is sort of my partner in crime, in a sense, because we share a lot of interests. We're the least alike, and while I think we've drifted the furthest apart over the last few years, I still know I'd be there for her in a heartbeat, because she's always been there for me. My second sister has been my friend the longest, and my sister almost as long. I call her my 'nee-chan - Japanese for big sister - because that's what she is. I look up to her, admire her, and share so many things with her that I can't seem to with anyone else. She has an uncanny ability to make me see things I don't want to without ever hurting my feelings, and is really the person who started me on the path of self-discovery I've been on all these years. Then comes my brother, who I look to for ... somewhere between comaraderie and protection. I trust him, more than almost anybody, which still surprises me at times because I really don't trust people. He's someone I look to for fun and laughter, for talks about the way I see things and the way life is. I can debate with him almost as well as I can my oldest sister, but we can have fun together all the same. At the same time, he's become the person who tries to help me with my phobias, the one who notices me upset when no one else does, the one who makes me stop and sit down when I'm pushing myself too hard. The youngest of my sibs is my best friend/sister, the one who I shop for clothes and guys with, the one I conspire with, the one I confide in. She's been there for me when no one else was, and reminds me constantly that I don't have to be someone I'm not, because that's not me.
Together the four of us have been through a lot. I know that most of their relationships with each other aren't as close as my relationship with all of them, but I've come to accept it. They've all been there for me in one way or another at the lowest points of my life in the last few years, and I can't put into words just how much they mean to me. They're my sibs: I love them more than anything in the world, and they drive me absolutely insane in each of their own ways. But that's the sort of family I've always wanted. That's the sort of family we are. We've shared laughter and tears, and no matter how much we grow up or apart, I will *always* love them with all my heart.
My third family is my Phoenix Family, which doesn't fall into the normal settings I've always had. For this family *I'm* the oldest, which makes my natural worrywart nature all the harder. I do my best to be sympathetic and gently push when it's needed, and be a shoulder when that's all that's wanted. challon86 is my sweetheart, the one who drew me into this new family. The one who makes me feel admired and special. phantom_blue makes me laugh, feel appreciated, and understands how my brain works when even I don't. And then there's purplestripe66, who I tend to think of as a baby sister at times even though she isn't the youngest. She reminds me of things I've been through and survived, and makes me want to support her through what she's going through. There's no blood or shared experiences between the four of us, but there is plenty of love, which is what matters.
I suppose you could say that I've learned from being the youngest, because it's taught me that I can't always force people to like me, but I don't have to. It's taught me that the people who care most are the ones you can count on, and it's taught me how to be that for others. But more than anything, my families have taught me how to love and how to care, and just how much the difference can mean.
I don't think this is quite what today's writer's block was looking for, but it's what the 'pecking order' is to me.
I love you all. ♥