In the Handbasket, and Waiting to be Carried
So ...
I've been in this super-bitchy mood lately, and I'm still trying to figure out exactly why. I've finally pinpointed when it started.
Last Thursday, I woke up cranky and pissed off because I had to get up early to go out shooting with my brother and some of his friends. I badgered him into taking me to get coffee and breakfast first, which ( Read more... )
I've been in this super-bitchy mood lately, and I'm still trying to figure out exactly why. I've finally pinpointed when it started.
Last Thursday, I woke up cranky and pissed off because I had to get up early to go out shooting with my brother and some of his friends. I badgered him into taking me to get coffee and breakfast first, which ( Read more... )
The other half of what makes someone feel that bad when the trigger goes off and for a while afterwards, is that chain of associations we previously described: every time a tiger jumps at you is that first time all over again, and you're as scared as you've been. When there's a real tiger you conquer it along with the fear and all's well again, but when it's just the harmless ferret? You stay with all those bad memories and all that fear and all that anger, and all those memories of who you were then, and it can make you sick because none of this is going anywhere - it doesn't belong in the new context.
So both halves of how Post Traumatic Reaction makes someone sick are about remembering something that was - remembering in a deep, complex way that includes physical memory and pertains to one's survival - and which no longer fits into the present.
Which is why unlearning helps: it unties the connection between the trigger and the old association and puts a new one instead. Yay, the ferret wants to be petted!
And it's hard and annoying and more painful than anything else short of dragging yourself out of suicidal depths, and sometimes it feels impossible and is frustrating beyond nearly everything, because it requires dealing with aspects of yourself that just don't respond to rational thought because that's not what they're made of. (Which may also cause other people to lose patience with you through this process, because rationality has nothing to do with traumatic learning, and that's very hard to truly accept.)
Basically? You're doing okay. The warped logic of this thing means that the stronger the learning, the stronger your survival instinct. That you're reacting badly just says that you're the kind of person who does what it takes to stay alive and as well as possible. That's all, nothing bad about it. I find that that's one of the harder and more important thing in dealing with Post Traumatic Response - understanding that it's not a manifestation of an injury or a weakness, but precisely the opposite.
From what you describe, you also have pretty good instincts on how to treat it: avoid the trigger if you can't downregulate it, and find a constructive outlet for all the recalled feelings. (This is where the reading angsty fic comes in. Supernatural's a great fandome for this, though PR isn't lacking if you know what authors to look for.)
Another thing to try is to explain the workings of this to your brother. "I'm not exactly Here And Now right now. I know you're trying to help, but i'm not yet at a mental place where this help can reach me. Give me a couple hours and let's try this again, okay?" Or days, if that what it takes. Someone trying to reach for you when you're going through that is one of the better things that can happen to you, if you're both capable of regulating it to ways and levels that aren't more than you can take.
You're doing fine. You're doing okay, and your instincts are all in the right place: try to unlearn the trigger, when that goes out of control avoid, regulate interaction to a managable level but keep comm lines open no matter what, and keep a strong focus on verbalizing and articulating your feelinds. (And yes, that's critical: if you can't shape it into words, you can't change it. You have to recall that first tiger and be able to describe to great detail how you felt, if you don't want every ferret to be that tiger. And you can't do that alone, or you'll drown.)
You're doing good, hon. Keep going. You're getting it right.
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How do you seem to have this magical ability to make me feel better without making me feel like a complete idiot? It's almost uncanny how well you do it.
It's also very much appreciated, and I really do feel better about it now. Thank you.
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In a few years' time, you'll be the one giving out these speeches. You're getting there already - take a look at your own story (Bright Skies) if you don't believe me. What was it that Wes said to the kids after the Wootox incident?
Stay constructive, keep together, insist on figuring it out: you're already wonderful and with time and healing it'll become easier to see.
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