In the Handbasket, and Waiting to be Carried
So ...
I've been in this super-bitchy mood lately, and I'm still trying to figure out exactly why. I've finally pinpointed when it started.
Last Thursday, I woke up cranky and pissed off because I had to get up early to go out shooting with my brother and some of his friends. I badgered him into taking me to get coffee and breakfast first, which calmed me down. Then his little brother started shooting his new gun. I don't know why, but something about the noise just ... I freaked. I was trying not to cry, almost began to hyperventilate, and nearly threw up. And the whole time, I kept hearing my dad's voice repeating over and over, 'You're one of the reasons I haven't gone out into the yard and shot myself.'
It was something he said to me during mom's first suicide attempt, after the rest of the family blamed him for everything, and I was the only one still speaking to him to tell him how mom was doing. I'm not even sure if he remembers saying it now. I know *I* was in tears after that phone call, and ever since then I've been uncomfortable around guns. I go shooting with my brother because I don't like that feeling, and I'm trying to force myself to deal with it, and get past it. Usually I'm okay, but something about that day and the loudness of that one particular gun just ... I couldn't handle it.
Every day since I've woken up in a massively nasty mood. My brother tries to give me a backrub or a hug to help me calm down, and I want to scream at him to stop touching me. His sister-in-law acts somewhat childish about cleaning duties, and I'm trying to keep myself from getting in her face and screaming at her. One of my bosses at work makes a crack about having me throw out anybody who shows up looking for extra work that day, and I calmly inform him 'Sure. I'm in uber-bitch mode today, anyway. Just so you know.' A person is rude to me on the phone shortly before hanging up on me, and I nearly snarl into the phone after he's gone.
I spent today holed up in my room, reading traumatic and bloody Supernatural fics filled with brotherly love, and have calmed somewhat, but I'm still edgy. And then my moment of absolute brilliance: I heard my brother's mom talking to him through my door. She wasn't yelling, she wasn't even remotely upset - just commenting about something the sister-in-law had said. But something in her tone gave me a flashback to when I was little, listening to my mom yelling outside my door. The next thing I know I'm shaking, grabbing for my headphones and turning up the music as loud as I can to keep from overhearing more and trying not to cry.
I've talked about my mood with my brother, my sister, and several friends. As I've affirmed over and over now, it's not PMS. For one, I almost never actually get PMS - more like MS. And for another, it never lasts this long. My sister suggested stress; someone else asked if I was feeling trapped. I think it's a little of both.
I'm not usually like this, and it kind of scares me. I'm usually very cheerful and good at reigning in my temper, but the last few days I've just wanted to rip someone's head off. And then I find myself on the verge of tears at the drop of a hat. I can't figure out a good reason for it, which annoys me all over again.
-Lets out a long, slow sigh- I'm hoping that posting this will help somehow. Not sure if it will, but we'll see.
In the meantime, I'm trying to convince myself that bed isn't a bad idea, and hoping tomorrow will show some improvement.
Also, massive love and hugs to everyone who's had to listen to me rant the last few days and been so incredibly loving and understanding. I don't know what I'd do without you guys.
I've been in this super-bitchy mood lately, and I'm still trying to figure out exactly why. I've finally pinpointed when it started.
Last Thursday, I woke up cranky and pissed off because I had to get up early to go out shooting with my brother and some of his friends. I badgered him into taking me to get coffee and breakfast first, which calmed me down. Then his little brother started shooting his new gun. I don't know why, but something about the noise just ... I freaked. I was trying not to cry, almost began to hyperventilate, and nearly threw up. And the whole time, I kept hearing my dad's voice repeating over and over, 'You're one of the reasons I haven't gone out into the yard and shot myself.'
It was something he said to me during mom's first suicide attempt, after the rest of the family blamed him for everything, and I was the only one still speaking to him to tell him how mom was doing. I'm not even sure if he remembers saying it now. I know *I* was in tears after that phone call, and ever since then I've been uncomfortable around guns. I go shooting with my brother because I don't like that feeling, and I'm trying to force myself to deal with it, and get past it. Usually I'm okay, but something about that day and the loudness of that one particular gun just ... I couldn't handle it.
Every day since I've woken up in a massively nasty mood. My brother tries to give me a backrub or a hug to help me calm down, and I want to scream at him to stop touching me. His sister-in-law acts somewhat childish about cleaning duties, and I'm trying to keep myself from getting in her face and screaming at her. One of my bosses at work makes a crack about having me throw out anybody who shows up looking for extra work that day, and I calmly inform him 'Sure. I'm in uber-bitch mode today, anyway. Just so you know.' A person is rude to me on the phone shortly before hanging up on me, and I nearly snarl into the phone after he's gone.
I spent today holed up in my room, reading traumatic and bloody Supernatural fics filled with brotherly love, and have calmed somewhat, but I'm still edgy. And then my moment of absolute brilliance: I heard my brother's mom talking to him through my door. She wasn't yelling, she wasn't even remotely upset - just commenting about something the sister-in-law had said. But something in her tone gave me a flashback to when I was little, listening to my mom yelling outside my door. The next thing I know I'm shaking, grabbing for my headphones and turning up the music as loud as I can to keep from overhearing more and trying not to cry.
I've talked about my mood with my brother, my sister, and several friends. As I've affirmed over and over now, it's not PMS. For one, I almost never actually get PMS - more like MS. And for another, it never lasts this long. My sister suggested stress; someone else asked if I was feeling trapped. I think it's a little of both.
I'm not usually like this, and it kind of scares me. I'm usually very cheerful and good at reigning in my temper, but the last few days I've just wanted to rip someone's head off. And then I find myself on the verge of tears at the drop of a hat. I can't figure out a good reason for it, which annoys me all over again.
-Lets out a long, slow sigh- I'm hoping that posting this will help somehow. Not sure if it will, but we'll see.
In the meantime, I'm trying to convince myself that bed isn't a bad idea, and hoping tomorrow will show some improvement.
Also, massive love and hugs to everyone who's had to listen to me rant the last few days and been so incredibly loving and understanding. I don't know what I'd do without you guys.