Symbolic Dreams, and how it all ended in tears.
Just woke up about ... maybe two hours ago now, from a dream. I still keep thinking about it, and not just because it made me cry on purplestripe66's shoulder and ramble at challon86, phantom_blue, and now my Brother. Or even because phantom_blue offered to stalk one of the people in it for me.
I dreamed that was driving out in the middle of nowhere with someone. I can't remember who it was, although I think I kept calling her Melissa. I'm not sure it's anyone I've ever actually known. But we were driving because everything in my life had been fucked up and I was avoiding my parents and just ... trying to escape everything. I was incredibly tired, and I got lost. I ended up at this big house, where for some reason my male best friend growing up just happened to be living with a bunch of roommates. And I was all shocked because for some reason he turned out to be gay - which, seeing as he was my first technical boyfriend and I used to call him the Mormon Posterboy would totally not happen. He was pissed off at me though, because I was out driving when I was clearly exhausted and I'd fucked up a lot, and he fed me chocolate chip toast and demanded that I was going to go sleep in his room until I got some rest. And I kept arguing with him and he refused to take no for an answer.
And then all these other people started showing up in the room who happened to be his roommates and his boyfriend. Everyone was trying to fix the window blinds and the ceiling fan for some reason, and I just sort of watched them do it while trying to make weak attempts at escaping, because I didn't want to bother my friend. He kept snapping at me, because even though I'd screwed up he wasn't going to just let me walk off.
At some point I remember admiring that his boyfriend had really nicely muscled shoulders, and that my friend had good taste in guys, and someone was talking about putting in a movie. And there was this girl sitting on the couch, and I knew that I knew her from somewhere, but I couldn't remember how. We were both wearing this shirt covered in purple-pink-white butterflies, although our shirts themselves were different colors - mine was black and hers was light blue. (And now that I *do* remember who she was supposed to be, I know that she looked totally nothing like that, but at the time it made sense. Also, I keep wanting to call *her* Melissa too, but that's not her name. o.O)
Then someone started poking me in the shoulder. It was kind of annoying, like a pinch, so I finally turned to see who it was all pissed off and irritated. It was this guy I used to know, Chris.
I jumped back and totally started to cry, and demanded that he prove to me that he was real, that he was really there. Because he died in a car accident the week after he graduated high school.
He reached for me, even though I kept trying to back away, and said he'd been waiting forever to ask me if I would marry him. I started crying harder, and shaking my head, and demanding that he prove he was real. Because there was no way he could be here. He died years ago.
He told me that I'd know that he was real because he was going to beat up the fucker that made me cry. And I cried harder, because I knew he meant himself.
He hugged me and said that he was sorry, that it would all be okay. Everyone in the room was so insistent that it *was* real, that Chris hadn't died in the accident. Even my best friend, who'd been - and still was - so mad at me was so sure that Chris was real and he was really asking me to marry him. If anything, my friend was annoyed that I wasn't immediately buying into it. And everyone kept telling me to say yes, and I couldn't stop crying.
And then I woke up.
I started to cry about the time I made it into the bathroom. I haven't thought about either of those guys in a long time. Chris because ... well, we weren't *close* friends, but I'd always really liked him, and I did have a crush on him. John because while he's still alive, I'd lost touch with him years ago and haven't been able to find him online. And it just sort of hit me really hard, because the two guys I'd known and loved most of my life were back, and they were going to help make everything better again. That's when Ruby came over to give me a hug and let me cry on her shoulder.
Thinking about it now, it's the smaller details of the dream that stand out for me. The house was filled with people who I'd kind of known growing up in school. The girl on the couch wearing the shirt covered in butterflies - a symbol of the soul - was supposed to be one of Chris' younger sisters, and his other sister and his older brother were in the house, too. Although they didn't look right, because in my dream they were blonds and both girls were actually redheads. Even John looked off, because he was shorter than he should have been, and really scrawny for some reason. Chris was the only one that actually looked right, except he had curly hair, like his sisters had stuck curlers in it or something.
-Amused- phantom_blue found John on Facebook for me. I've totally looked for him before and never found him. purplestripe66 was right: she really *is* totally the best stalker ever. ♥
And I was right: he's not gay.
This is the guy that asked me out because he knew I had a crush on him and he didn't want to be a loser who'd really never dated before sixteen. Then he broke up with me in a letter because neither of us had any idea how to act like a couple after dating for three months, and spent a week following me around to make sure that we were still okay. Which at the time, actually annoyed the crap out of me more than anything.
-Grins-
He was a real sweetheart. He was just so ... ridiculously perfect in some ways. But he still managed to make me feel like I was important to him.
I think that was one of the things that drew me to Chris later. Chris and I knew each other because we lived in the same neighborhood and had gone to the same school for years, but we actually became friends at detention in junior high. He asked his dad to give me a ride home so I wouldn't have to walk. But his dad dropped me off at the wrong place, so Chris rode his bike all the way around the block to come meet me and walk me home. (Showed up right *after* I almost got sprayed by a skunk too, the lucky bastard.) Then we stood around in my driveway for like an hour just talking, before he finally had to go home.
He moved away shortly after that because his parents divorced, but we met each other again in high school - the second high school I went to, which was a continuation school. (i.e. School for Bad Kids. -Rolls eyes-) We actually startled the crap out of one of my teachers because I'd always been very quiet and shy, hanging back in the corners. Then Chris shows up and starts arguing with me - because that's just the kind of friendship we had - until I finally snapped something rude back to him. She was shocked to see me react like that, until we explained we'd already known each other before. So I went from being quiet and shy to all snarky and sarcastic when he was around. And it surprised everyone else because they had ever seen me like that, but Chris and I never thought anything about it because we'd just always gotten along that way.
Unfortunately he moved away again a few months later, and I never saw him after that.
That same teacher actually called to give me her condolences about his death after it was in the paper. She remembered he was my friend, because he was the first person at that school to bring me out of my shell. Without him, a lot of people would never have seen me as more than the quiet girl in the corner.
I used the dream to convince myself to send John a message through Facebook, now that I know a way to contact him. I don't know if he'll reply or not, but I do miss him, so it's worth giving it a chance.
As to the rest of it, Brother thinks that maybe it's a subconscious call for a 'protector' of sorts, in the wake of all the medical and doctor issues I've been dealing with over the last few months. I've got a vague idea of why I'd think that I majorly fucked up somehow, but as to why Chris would be the one to appear to 'protect' me and make it all better ...
Talking to Rosa, I said he was the kind of guy who always seemed to show up right when I needed him and make things better. He always made me laugh, too. It wasn't that he knew when I needed him, or that he was specifically trying to help me out or anything; it just seemed like Karma. Talking to Brother made me admit that yeah we used to flirt a little, and I was attracted to him - if he'd ever asked, I would totally have agreed to date him.
So ... -Sighs- Yeah. I can see that. Doesn't make me miss him any less, or the dream hurt less.
I love you Chris, but you're still the fucker who made me cry.