Film Reviews
I don't do many film reviews, but I've actually watched some films lately, so here we go :
Spider-Man
This actually did have quite a promising start. The acting wasn't bad, there were some funny bits, the origin story was well set up if a little ludicruous. Uncle Ben dying seemed a little hard to take as no-one really cared that much for it, and there were quite a lot of plot holes big enough for me to drive an aircraft carrier through, but the start was entertaining. It all went downhill so fast from there. The Green Goblin was crap. I've not seen a more stupid villain. Not only did he look like he'd just come off the set of Power Rangers but Willem Dafoe seemed completely unable to act convincingly. The Green Goblin storyline never went anywhere beyond a Spider-Man vs. Goblin showdown and even that was so swift you blinked and you missed it. It did set up some interesting things with the James Franco storyline that I can only hope the sequel picks up on, but all round it was disappointing.
Rating : 1 star
Battle Royale
I can't say the premise intrigued me with this one. However, the whole thing turned out to be rather interesting. The battle was cool, the various weapons appealed to the inner sports fan in me (buried deep inside, I must add), and it was really well executed throughout the film. The only criticism I have is that I was unable to catch the names of any of the characters and the majority of them looked the same. Oh, and the plot wasn't particularly substantial either but the film somehow made up for that and let the quality shine right through. Put simply, an interesting hit, but not one I'd particularly be interested in seeing again.
Rating : 3 stars
Equilibrium
It's difficult to judge this particular film, and I can't help but feel it's a slightly more interesting version of the Matrix. I mean, it followed the Matrix's formula all the way through - preposterous exposition scenes with characters we don't actually care about interlaced with boring-as-hell fight scenes. I don't understand how these fight scenes can be interesting. You've got about three minutes of footage of people trying to shoot each other but failing because they're always blocked. Why can't we have some interesting dialogue to bring in some of the more interesting aspects such as the kid? That seemed completely underused. It did, however, build up some interesting themes with its Orwellian undertones but ultimately wasted it all with a dull gung-ho finale. There was something good in there but it was lost under all the crap.
Rating : 1 star
Ocean's Eleven
I was looking forward to this. I like heist movies. This one seemed particularly intriguing and I'd heard its dialogue and storyline praised from several people who are usually right. They were wrong. The acting strength is there but when you don't have any particularly interesting moments and the storyline is as straightforward as a ruler the film just doesn't go anywhere. From the beginning of the film you know the ending. There's one minor surprise along the way but that's about it and it's a story that has more or less been told a thousand times over - did it need a thousand and once telling? The entertaining sidekicks are underused and too much time is devoted to Julia Roberts, while the reason for her presence in the film at all completely eluded me.
Rating : 1 star
Reservoir Dogs
I don't particularly like Quentin Tarantino. Sure, he was entertaining in Alias, the episode of ER he directed was OK, and I enjoyed Kill Bill (ironically apparently the weakest of his films, how it's better than this shite I don't know). Sure, the whole walking in suits to music bit is cool but you can see that in Coupling (which has laughs) so don't bother here. The two sentence plot is stretched preposterously over the hour and a half this lasts and aside from the blood little happens. The identity of the mole took me by surprise but I realised that I didn't actually care about it and hadn't given it more than a moment's thought so what the hell was the point? The whole robbery gone wrong idea told in flashback idea sounded right up my street but it was never developed. Basically utter rubbish.
Rating : Nothing
The Ladykillers
After seeing a couple of trailers for the Coens' remake of this and immediately dubbing it abysmal (it really looks like unadulterated crap, and not the kind of thing that I expect the Coens to produce) I figured I'd better give the original a watch when it was on. Mildly entertaining but again it fails in almost all areas. The acting is good but the dialogue isn't worth writing home about and the most amusing part is how they knock off each member of the gang as things get progressively worse. Alec Guiness as ever turns in a fine performance but the comedy isn't particularly evident.
Rating : 2 stars
Star Wars : Attack of the Clones
I actually got my hands on this to do a commentary (I made it twenty minutes in, but I subject myself to some of the worst acting and dialogue I've ever witnessed so I have to give myself a break). Undoubtedly the weakest of the Star Wars films, it's disappointing that a classic series has stooped this low. It's all basically a massive maze of interconnected bits from other films and cliches which would be fine if done well but the acting and script are just so shoddy it's too much to bear.
Rating : Nothing
Survive the Savage Sea
A TV movie put on during Sky One's lunchtime slot that I watched while waiting for Scrubs. Naturally TV is a superior media to film, but a TV movie is a massive step down from both. This one was basically an hour and a half of six people floating around the sea in an orange rubber dinghy. So predictable - "oh look, it's a ship? I wonder if it'll pick them up?", "oh noes!?! shark!!!". There's really nothing good I can say about it other than it's really as bad as you expect it to be.
Rating : Nothing
Well then, Battle Royale aside, I wouldn't actually suggest anybody ever subject themselves to any of the above as they're more or less all a waste of your precious time. Even more worrying is that several of them are supposedly classics.
Spider-Man
This actually did have quite a promising start. The acting wasn't bad, there were some funny bits, the origin story was well set up if a little ludicruous. Uncle Ben dying seemed a little hard to take as no-one really cared that much for it, and there were quite a lot of plot holes big enough for me to drive an aircraft carrier through, but the start was entertaining. It all went downhill so fast from there. The Green Goblin was crap. I've not seen a more stupid villain. Not only did he look like he'd just come off the set of Power Rangers but Willem Dafoe seemed completely unable to act convincingly. The Green Goblin storyline never went anywhere beyond a Spider-Man vs. Goblin showdown and even that was so swift you blinked and you missed it. It did set up some interesting things with the James Franco storyline that I can only hope the sequel picks up on, but all round it was disappointing.
Rating : 1 star
Battle Royale
I can't say the premise intrigued me with this one. However, the whole thing turned out to be rather interesting. The battle was cool, the various weapons appealed to the inner sports fan in me (buried deep inside, I must add), and it was really well executed throughout the film. The only criticism I have is that I was unable to catch the names of any of the characters and the majority of them looked the same. Oh, and the plot wasn't particularly substantial either but the film somehow made up for that and let the quality shine right through. Put simply, an interesting hit, but not one I'd particularly be interested in seeing again.
Rating : 3 stars
Equilibrium
It's difficult to judge this particular film, and I can't help but feel it's a slightly more interesting version of the Matrix. I mean, it followed the Matrix's formula all the way through - preposterous exposition scenes with characters we don't actually care about interlaced with boring-as-hell fight scenes. I don't understand how these fight scenes can be interesting. You've got about three minutes of footage of people trying to shoot each other but failing because they're always blocked. Why can't we have some interesting dialogue to bring in some of the more interesting aspects such as the kid? That seemed completely underused. It did, however, build up some interesting themes with its Orwellian undertones but ultimately wasted it all with a dull gung-ho finale. There was something good in there but it was lost under all the crap.
Rating : 1 star
Ocean's Eleven
I was looking forward to this. I like heist movies. This one seemed particularly intriguing and I'd heard its dialogue and storyline praised from several people who are usually right. They were wrong. The acting strength is there but when you don't have any particularly interesting moments and the storyline is as straightforward as a ruler the film just doesn't go anywhere. From the beginning of the film you know the ending. There's one minor surprise along the way but that's about it and it's a story that has more or less been told a thousand times over - did it need a thousand and once telling? The entertaining sidekicks are underused and too much time is devoted to Julia Roberts, while the reason for her presence in the film at all completely eluded me.
Rating : 1 star
Reservoir Dogs
I don't particularly like Quentin Tarantino. Sure, he was entertaining in Alias, the episode of ER he directed was OK, and I enjoyed Kill Bill (ironically apparently the weakest of his films, how it's better than this shite I don't know). Sure, the whole walking in suits to music bit is cool but you can see that in Coupling (which has laughs) so don't bother here. The two sentence plot is stretched preposterously over the hour and a half this lasts and aside from the blood little happens. The identity of the mole took me by surprise but I realised that I didn't actually care about it and hadn't given it more than a moment's thought so what the hell was the point? The whole robbery gone wrong idea told in flashback idea sounded right up my street but it was never developed. Basically utter rubbish.
Rating : Nothing
The Ladykillers
After seeing a couple of trailers for the Coens' remake of this and immediately dubbing it abysmal (it really looks like unadulterated crap, and not the kind of thing that I expect the Coens to produce) I figured I'd better give the original a watch when it was on. Mildly entertaining but again it fails in almost all areas. The acting is good but the dialogue isn't worth writing home about and the most amusing part is how they knock off each member of the gang as things get progressively worse. Alec Guiness as ever turns in a fine performance but the comedy isn't particularly evident.
Rating : 2 stars
Star Wars : Attack of the Clones
I actually got my hands on this to do a commentary (I made it twenty minutes in, but I subject myself to some of the worst acting and dialogue I've ever witnessed so I have to give myself a break). Undoubtedly the weakest of the Star Wars films, it's disappointing that a classic series has stooped this low. It's all basically a massive maze of interconnected bits from other films and cliches which would be fine if done well but the acting and script are just so shoddy it's too much to bear.
Rating : Nothing
Survive the Savage Sea
A TV movie put on during Sky One's lunchtime slot that I watched while waiting for Scrubs. Naturally TV is a superior media to film, but a TV movie is a massive step down from both. This one was basically an hour and a half of six people floating around the sea in an orange rubber dinghy. So predictable - "oh look, it's a ship? I wonder if it'll pick them up?", "oh noes!?! shark!!!". There's really nothing good I can say about it other than it's really as bad as you expect it to be.
Rating : Nothing
Well then, Battle Royale aside, I wouldn't actually suggest anybody ever subject themselves to any of the above as they're more or less all a waste of your precious time. Even more worrying is that several of them are supposedly classics.