Shifting
I feel unsettled. Every once in awhile I feel like I'm living inside my own head. These past few weeks have cut me off from the rest of the world. With rehearsal for David and Lisa every single waking moment, and then hellweek, then the show, then the cast party, I felt like I was on vacation for a month. And then this week there was just a lot going on. I saw Richter and Lauren, and I talked to some others, but. Right now it feels like it's been weeks.
I'm pretty sure that every so often people forget that I'm a kid. I think I'm pretty consistently treated like an adult by most members of my family and most of my teachers. And it's nice for the most part, sometimes I feel like an adult. But other times no one remembers to wonder if I'm okay.
And, well... usually I am. I'm always okay. But I just... really know that I am there constantly for all of my friends. I give all my friends everything I have, and I really believe that. I'm not some kind of martyer or anything, but I definitely go out of my way to take care of the people in my life, and listen to them. I don't think anyone really does enough listening for anybody else, so I try to pick up the slack if I can.
But... why don't I get the same courtesy in return? Sometimes I just need someone to empathize with me, and say "Oh that does sound sucky but I'm here to talk to you if you need it" or whatever. Not just "Oh, me too. My day was awful today."
This must be partially my own error. I let people walk all over me, and I let people take advantage of my being there for them. I found this out about myself recently, and it's the worst thing I know about myself: I let people treat me like crap. I really, really hate to admit it because I'm like that person who says to never let other people treat you like crap because no one deserves it. But I'm so guilty of it.
I told multiple people the story this week of how I was out Wednesday night watching Top Model and I got a call from my mom at like 9 saying "I'm taking Grandma to the hospital, I don't know if I'm coming home" and then I had to borrow a shirt from Richter and sleep at my dad's. The next morning I had to go to school with the same pants and underwear on and hardly any of what I needed for the day. It wasn't the biggest deal in the world, but it was a little upsetting. My grandma is not in good health, and I'm concerned about her. And I mean this seriously... not one person really showed any kind of concern or offered any compassion when I wanted to talk about it. And absolutely no one asked later how she was doing, or how I was doing.
People have their own lives, and I don't expect anyone to spend their time tracking mine and checking up on me. But I do expect people to show the same respect that I show them. And to show me love when I need it.
I also weirdly feel like everyone is losing faith in me. I'm sure everyone gets this once in awhile, but I'm like really annoying the shit out of everybody around me.
One more thing... why do I like to be friends with people who can't give me what I want? I have this new thing where I befriend people who can't show their love for me, or can't do it consistently. Or they go in phases, where one day they really love me, and one day they like tolerate me. It's making me paranoid, and it's making me into a sensitive, jealous person that I don't like so much. And I'm not sure I can keep up these friendships. I love the people, but I've... spent years getting past friendships like that. There are actually people who do actively show their love for me now, and why should I regress?
I just want everybody to reach out. That's all.
I'm pretty sure that every so often people forget that I'm a kid. I think I'm pretty consistently treated like an adult by most members of my family and most of my teachers. And it's nice for the most part, sometimes I feel like an adult. But other times no one remembers to wonder if I'm okay.
And, well... usually I am. I'm always okay. But I just... really know that I am there constantly for all of my friends. I give all my friends everything I have, and I really believe that. I'm not some kind of martyer or anything, but I definitely go out of my way to take care of the people in my life, and listen to them. I don't think anyone really does enough listening for anybody else, so I try to pick up the slack if I can.
But... why don't I get the same courtesy in return? Sometimes I just need someone to empathize with me, and say "Oh that does sound sucky but I'm here to talk to you if you need it" or whatever. Not just "Oh, me too. My day was awful today."
This must be partially my own error. I let people walk all over me, and I let people take advantage of my being there for them. I found this out about myself recently, and it's the worst thing I know about myself: I let people treat me like crap. I really, really hate to admit it because I'm like that person who says to never let other people treat you like crap because no one deserves it. But I'm so guilty of it.
I told multiple people the story this week of how I was out Wednesday night watching Top Model and I got a call from my mom at like 9 saying "I'm taking Grandma to the hospital, I don't know if I'm coming home" and then I had to borrow a shirt from Richter and sleep at my dad's. The next morning I had to go to school with the same pants and underwear on and hardly any of what I needed for the day. It wasn't the biggest deal in the world, but it was a little upsetting. My grandma is not in good health, and I'm concerned about her. And I mean this seriously... not one person really showed any kind of concern or offered any compassion when I wanted to talk about it. And absolutely no one asked later how she was doing, or how I was doing.
People have their own lives, and I don't expect anyone to spend their time tracking mine and checking up on me. But I do expect people to show the same respect that I show them. And to show me love when I need it.
I also weirdly feel like everyone is losing faith in me. I'm sure everyone gets this once in awhile, but I'm like really annoying the shit out of everybody around me.
One more thing... why do I like to be friends with people who can't give me what I want? I have this new thing where I befriend people who can't show their love for me, or can't do it consistently. Or they go in phases, where one day they really love me, and one day they like tolerate me. It's making me paranoid, and it's making me into a sensitive, jealous person that I don't like so much. And I'm not sure I can keep up these friendships. I love the people, but I've... spent years getting past friendships like that. There are actually people who do actively show their love for me now, and why should I regress?
I just want everybody to reach out. That's all.