(no subject)
Sooo I WAS going to post an entry, and I WAS going to do some step work.. but my sponsor and my sponsee sister were out at my sponsor's grandmothers house wayyy too late. We got playing this game "Apples to Apples" and we didn't even notice how fast time went by until it was 4:15am. I felt sooo bad that I stayed out so late.. because Donovan tends to stay up between 1am and 4am and I didn't want to make my mother stay up with him.. but when I got home he was sound asleep and had been asleep since midnight!! I was about ready to fall over and pass out.. so I got in bed (I should've NEVER done this) and as soon as i drift into a sleep Donovan wakes up screaming hungry. I fed him and he decides its time to play and be cute until around 7am. I was nodding the wholeee time.. but I just couldn't swallow my pride enough to ask for some help. So 7am we both went to sleep, woke up for another feeding at 8am!! WOO HOO! Then after that is over we go right back to sleep and it pretty much was that way all day.. We napped between feedings.. until 9:30.
So Waking up at 9:30pm is a little rediculous and now what?? My sleep scheduel is never ever ever going to get right. But thats really the least of my problems although it probably is contributing to my depression.
As for being depressed, its really starting to get out of hand. Every day is a little worse for me. I'm so scared that I'm not being a good Mom.. Donovan deserves a happy mom.. I just can't pull myself out of it. I dont understand it one bit either. I feel soo horrible, yet I have so much to feel good about. I feel like an asshole.. because shouldn't my beautiful son be enough to make me happy? I know postpartum depression is common, and its not my fault and blah blah blah.. but when you're in it.. it feels like it will never end.. and its the worst feeling ever. I feel so fucking worthless.
The weird part is that I'm ok when I'm out and around friends. It kicks up a little bit, but mostly im not thinking about anything and I actually CAN enjoy myself. I don't get it, if you're actually depressed arent you supposed to feel that way all the time?
And the worst and scariest part of it all is.. I'm starting to get strong cravings.. or even just urges to use. Just to numb out I guess. But when I say strong I mean strong.. like mouth watering stomach flipping fiending strong.
i hate this so much:(
someone make it stop.
So Waking up at 9:30pm is a little rediculous and now what?? My sleep scheduel is never ever ever going to get right. But thats really the least of my problems although it probably is contributing to my depression.
As for being depressed, its really starting to get out of hand. Every day is a little worse for me. I'm so scared that I'm not being a good Mom.. Donovan deserves a happy mom.. I just can't pull myself out of it. I dont understand it one bit either. I feel soo horrible, yet I have so much to feel good about. I feel like an asshole.. because shouldn't my beautiful son be enough to make me happy? I know postpartum depression is common, and its not my fault and blah blah blah.. but when you're in it.. it feels like it will never end.. and its the worst feeling ever. I feel so fucking worthless.
The weird part is that I'm ok when I'm out and around friends. It kicks up a little bit, but mostly im not thinking about anything and I actually CAN enjoy myself. I don't get it, if you're actually depressed arent you supposed to feel that way all the time?
And the worst and scariest part of it all is.. I'm starting to get strong cravings.. or even just urges to use. Just to numb out I guess. But when I say strong I mean strong.. like mouth watering stomach flipping fiending strong.
i hate this so much:(
someone make it stop.