The secret is out.
So we didn't end up going to Red Lobster tonight - my bf had a bad migraine so we decided to eat at home. I had a half of a piece of chicken and some green beans. And then I purged.
After I got out of the shower, I went outside to smoke a cigarette. My bf asked me why I was cutting my food into tiny pieces. I told him the truth - that I am more mindful of what I'm eating so I know when I am full.
But then he told me that he felt like I was keeping something from him.
So I told him.
I told him that I've been making myself throw up after eating.
He wasn't mad at me. He was upset.
He understood.
He wants to help.
I love him so much and I don't want to hurt him.
But I don't know how to stop this.
I only eat once a day now, and when I do eat, it isn't much at all.
Today I've consumed under 500 calories, but I do not have any intention of eating and I don't even feel that hungry.
I am so fucking depressed.
I want to cut SO fucking bad.
But I know that the temporary release won't be worth the long-term pain.
I'll only want it more.
I will feel guilty and angry because I'll know that I have gone over a year and then fucked it all up.
Yet that depressed, fucked-up part of me says, "Temporary relief is better than no relief at all."
I am so lost :(
Any advice whatsoever would be appreciated. Seriously. I have no friends. I need advice from ANYONE. Thank you.
I hope that all of you are feeling alright <3