Today
so last nite wasnt good but today started out fine. however now i have crashed and i look in the mirrow and it feels like the face before me is not mine. I am dead inside. . .my pain as risen and i feel so helpless. I cant fill the hole in my heart. Damnit i dont even know if its right to fill it, i mean what if im just reaching out hoping to find love? I crave it so much and i have been for a long time. and every try is a failure. I know what youre about to say, "Sean you'll find someone, just give it time" Well i dont know how much time i have. Because my hole in my heart is becoming poisin to me. I dont even think i can help anyone anymore. Damn my thirst for knowledge on life and its problems. I hate it so much. i feel like i am isolated and that the world is still moving and i am just a ghost cursed to watch as everything moves around me. Friends fall in love, people enjoying this month and cant wait until Valentine's Day. I need to feel alive again. . .and i wish that i could. . .I promised myself that no matter what happened i would never end my own life. . .but God knows thats a promise that i am finding hard to keep. . .Chelsea i wish i had your strength. God why do you test me so? Why am I to continue my sufferings? AM I SUPOSED TO BE PREPARE FOR SOME GREAT TRAGEDY? Why am i crash and falling so far? Were has my strength gone?