More Things
So, I have five hours to finish packing up my life and get the hell up out of this piece. Luckily I'm not driving, so I'll have six hours to sleep in the car. Stress. Luckily I'm tired enough and have enough to do today and tomorrow that there won't be time to think about the stress much. I'm not sure what my internet situation will be (I think we have to have a caucus about it...*eye roll*) so, I've been posting a lot lately to free my mind up just in case I have to haul it to the library on the weekends to get my LJ fix.
On Flesh and blood and funerals....
Flesh and blood is meaningless. Or at least not half as meaningful as we pretend it is. My relationship with my family has less to do with the fact that we're related and more to do with what we've all been through together. I found out yesterday that my Uncle James died. He and his wife are very very distantly related to us by marriage, but are close important family by intent. It really took me by surprise, and saddened me a great deal. And remember I had that dream the other night that had me worried?? I'm not saying it's more than a coincidence....but I'm not saying it's not either. The dream just gave me a feeling, ya know? My great-aunt Gertrude was hospitalized (my grandmother's sister), and the doctors have told them to "call the family," meaning, they're all pretty much waiting around for her to pass from this realm into the next. The situation is sad. She has Alzheimer's and has spent the last few years of her life, sort of angry with the family (and having less mature family members sort of give up on dealing with her), but she can't control it. She doesn't know who they are, if they try to help her do something she gets angry. Her mind is fractured between the past and the present day, so when she can't find something that she had in 1955, she accuses those around her of stealing from her. In the meantime, there were non-family members around her who WERE stealing from her. It's sad, and yet although she is flesh and blood, the sadness I feel for her is on a completely different level than the sadness I feel for my Uncle James.
I've never been to a funeral. I've always sort of avoided them, if I could. I've been lucky to not have had that many deaths that close to me. Now, I really want to go to my Uncle's funeral, and I can't because I'll be gone. I guess there's a kind of...unsettledness about this one that's making me want to have the space to process it with other people.
In other matters, I got kicked in the teeth by love. Suddenly I want to learn to forgive. Things got a little intense (more so than usual), but somehow the pieces all still fit together. They aren't quite hunky-dory again, but I suppose that in getting through the experience together, we made a certain kind of progress-- brought things to a little deeper level perhaps. One that will take time to navigate, but that could yield a more satisfying payoff. It hasn't been very long, but it feels like things are on a path completely different from any I've ever been on. It's scary. But I kinda like it. All the other paths were dead ends.
Also, I feel like I've been making good spiritual progress lately. Having some good conversations with the Divine, without getting caught up in too much of other people's formats for conversating. It feels good to just be able to say, "Lord, why is so-and-so acting like a punk ass?" and get an answer you can make peace with. I guess for me, I used to feel like in my prayers, I was doing a lot of talking but not a lot of comunicating. I don't feel like that so much anymore. The connection's back and I'm holding on to it.
That's all for the moment. Y'all come back now, ya hear? :)
On Flesh and blood and funerals....
Flesh and blood is meaningless. Or at least not half as meaningful as we pretend it is. My relationship with my family has less to do with the fact that we're related and more to do with what we've all been through together. I found out yesterday that my Uncle James died. He and his wife are very very distantly related to us by marriage, but are close important family by intent. It really took me by surprise, and saddened me a great deal. And remember I had that dream the other night that had me worried?? I'm not saying it's more than a coincidence....but I'm not saying it's not either. The dream just gave me a feeling, ya know? My great-aunt Gertrude was hospitalized (my grandmother's sister), and the doctors have told them to "call the family," meaning, they're all pretty much waiting around for her to pass from this realm into the next. The situation is sad. She has Alzheimer's and has spent the last few years of her life, sort of angry with the family (and having less mature family members sort of give up on dealing with her), but she can't control it. She doesn't know who they are, if they try to help her do something she gets angry. Her mind is fractured between the past and the present day, so when she can't find something that she had in 1955, she accuses those around her of stealing from her. In the meantime, there were non-family members around her who WERE stealing from her. It's sad, and yet although she is flesh and blood, the sadness I feel for her is on a completely different level than the sadness I feel for my Uncle James.
I've never been to a funeral. I've always sort of avoided them, if I could. I've been lucky to not have had that many deaths that close to me. Now, I really want to go to my Uncle's funeral, and I can't because I'll be gone. I guess there's a kind of...unsettledness about this one that's making me want to have the space to process it with other people.
In other matters, I got kicked in the teeth by love. Suddenly I want to learn to forgive. Things got a little intense (more so than usual), but somehow the pieces all still fit together. They aren't quite hunky-dory again, but I suppose that in getting through the experience together, we made a certain kind of progress-- brought things to a little deeper level perhaps. One that will take time to navigate, but that could yield a more satisfying payoff. It hasn't been very long, but it feels like things are on a path completely different from any I've ever been on. It's scary. But I kinda like it. All the other paths were dead ends.
Also, I feel like I've been making good spiritual progress lately. Having some good conversations with the Divine, without getting caught up in too much of other people's formats for conversating. It feels good to just be able to say, "Lord, why is so-and-so acting like a punk ass?" and get an answer you can make peace with. I guess for me, I used to feel like in my prayers, I was doing a lot of talking but not a lot of comunicating. I don't feel like that so much anymore. The connection's back and I'm holding on to it.
That's all for the moment. Y'all come back now, ya hear? :)