i need to vent again
....I hate being home...I lock myself away from the world and i dont talk to many. I just sit in my 4 walled room with my music to keep me semi occupied...I start blankly at the darkness of the corners and I analyze every detail of my room. I could probably tell you how much dust is sitting on my desk thats how detailed i am....My head aches with pain and my back shocks me everytime i move...I feel miserable right now. the only good thing that runs my head is the thought of my sweetie hold me close...even though everytime i try to get him to hold me close he just lets go even though i don't....i just wish just once he would hold me tight and never let me go till he says i love you...I've always wanted him to do that but i guess all in time that will come. He tells me how much he loves me..how much he cares about me, and I believe every word. he tells me that im everything hes ever wanted in a girl. im glad he sees that in me. I hope i make him as happy as he says he does. I wish i wasn't so fucked up inside. he makes me the happiest girl alive but i still hold on to shit at home to make me miserable and depressed. I can't say that im totally happy until i let that go. I am to the point of where matt is but when it comes to home life its another story. I can never seem to let him go when he wants to go home and see his family...how horrible is that :(....I feel terrible everytime i do that but he is basically my everything at this point. I guess i need to stop being a clinging bitch and let him see his family...I hate myself for a lot of reasons. One reason is for making him miserable at one point in our relationship...the second is for being clinging...the third is for taking up too much of his time...and the fourth is for always complaining about everything in my life to him...I hate when i do all these things...it isn't fair to him when i do these things...
life just doesn't seem to be fair at all. Im in so much pain from that damn accident i've taken the max amount i can for tylannol and nothing seems to be getting better. i might have to call off tomorrow and go to the doctors on monday. but i kind of had to use the 40.00 i was banking on putting in the bank to get matts keys out of his car. I can't believe 70.00 went capute in less than a day....oh well i gues that is what happens at least i dont have to fill the car up...well i should for the damage to the other car i should pay for more than what i do but i guess thats what happens when ur fuckin poor...well i guess i will be packing many lunches this week cause i am not going to be able to go out that much...im more than likely gonna go in and try to bare with the pain...its going to suck but there is nothing i can do...
life just doesn't seem to be fair at all. Im in so much pain from that damn accident i've taken the max amount i can for tylannol and nothing seems to be getting better. i might have to call off tomorrow and go to the doctors on monday. but i kind of had to use the 40.00 i was banking on putting in the bank to get matts keys out of his car. I can't believe 70.00 went capute in less than a day....oh well i gues that is what happens at least i dont have to fill the car up...well i should for the damage to the other car i should pay for more than what i do but i guess thats what happens when ur fuckin poor...well i guess i will be packing many lunches this week cause i am not going to be able to go out that much...im more than likely gonna go in and try to bare with the pain...its going to suck but there is nothing i can do...