Help me
I wrote this on paper earlier:
I find myself outside my art class wating to write a poem. It's like I've lsot the rhythm and the rhyme. maybe my mind is just focused on too many other things. I'm thinking of crawling in bed when I get home. I'm thinking about where Spud is today. I'm thinking about drugs. I'm thinking about what Spud said to me earlier and how it's true and there's nothing I can do about it to make it false. I don't know what I want or what I'm doing or why I'm doing it. I'm thinking of skipping 5th. I'm thinking of how I feel like passing out. I'm thinking of how much my ass hurts from sitting on the ground. I'm thinking of why this nasty taste of vomit won't leave my mouth. I just cant' seem to focus on writing a poem, but I can thking about everything else. Thank you ADHD! I adore my gene pool. Right now, I'm scared. I don't really know what of, but I am.
I am still asking myself why I broke up with spud. Everyone else is asking. It sounds bad to say I found something better. I guess i didn't find something better, nothing is better than him. I just found something different. I hate that he hates me for leaving him and not knowing why. Although I dispise myself a little for it as well.
Now:
I was talking to Ryan and he was telling me that things would work out. What if they don't? What if in the end I am more unhappy than I was before I broke up with Spud? Why do I still feel as if there is soemthing missing? What will fill this hole? Weed won't do it, nor will coke, permenantly anyway. I want this to be perminant! I want to just feel whole again. Where along the line did I fuck up? I never thought I'd leave him! Never did I think I would just get up and walk out like I did. Am I a bad person? Yes. What do I do? What he wants I cannot give him but part of me wants to. What have I done? I keep asking myself that. But as many times as I ask myself, I cannot come up with an answer.
I have thought to turn to my friends, but Spud and I have the same friends. So it wouldn't be worth it. I give him and leave him with the support he needs. I can make it.
Jessie told me to fix it. Fix it with him and I cried on the phone asking her how. If she could tell me how I would fix it. She said she had faith in me and I could do it. But I couldn't. I didn't know how. She told me that if I ended it with him that everyone would hate me. I knew it.
Will someone tell me what's going on inside my head? What is wrong with me? I feel like no one knows me and no one cares. I hate myself even more now than I did before I decided to go and do this shit.
I miss you.
我仍然爱您
I find myself outside my art class wating to write a poem. It's like I've lsot the rhythm and the rhyme. maybe my mind is just focused on too many other things. I'm thinking of crawling in bed when I get home. I'm thinking about where Spud is today. I'm thinking about drugs. I'm thinking about what Spud said to me earlier and how it's true and there's nothing I can do about it to make it false. I don't know what I want or what I'm doing or why I'm doing it. I'm thinking of skipping 5th. I'm thinking of how I feel like passing out. I'm thinking of how much my ass hurts from sitting on the ground. I'm thinking of why this nasty taste of vomit won't leave my mouth. I just cant' seem to focus on writing a poem, but I can thking about everything else. Thank you ADHD! I adore my gene pool. Right now, I'm scared. I don't really know what of, but I am.
I am still asking myself why I broke up with spud. Everyone else is asking. It sounds bad to say I found something better. I guess i didn't find something better, nothing is better than him. I just found something different. I hate that he hates me for leaving him and not knowing why. Although I dispise myself a little for it as well.
Now:
I was talking to Ryan and he was telling me that things would work out. What if they don't? What if in the end I am more unhappy than I was before I broke up with Spud? Why do I still feel as if there is soemthing missing? What will fill this hole? Weed won't do it, nor will coke, permenantly anyway. I want this to be perminant! I want to just feel whole again. Where along the line did I fuck up? I never thought I'd leave him! Never did I think I would just get up and walk out like I did. Am I a bad person? Yes. What do I do? What he wants I cannot give him but part of me wants to. What have I done? I keep asking myself that. But as many times as I ask myself, I cannot come up with an answer.
I have thought to turn to my friends, but Spud and I have the same friends. So it wouldn't be worth it. I give him and leave him with the support he needs. I can make it.
Jessie told me to fix it. Fix it with him and I cried on the phone asking her how. If she could tell me how I would fix it. She said she had faith in me and I could do it. But I couldn't. I didn't know how. She told me that if I ended it with him that everyone would hate me. I knew it.
Will someone tell me what's going on inside my head? What is wrong with me? I feel like no one knows me and no one cares. I hate myself even more now than I did before I decided to go and do this shit.
I miss you.
我仍然爱您