I always miss the springtime in the fall - All of a Sudden
"Healthy love - something that I'm scared of,
Feels like a conspiracy, why is he so nice to me?
You give, he takes, he gives, you turn away, why do you turn away?
He gives me sweet, healthy love - so why do you turn away?
Why can't you be satisfied?"
Everything has been going well with James, and I have a sudden, irrational, unexplainable urge to end our relationship.
I don't understand it. I don't know why. Why can't I be satisfied?
He's as sweet as he's always been. We do the same things we've always done.
That might be the problem - we do the same things all the time. It's gotten contentedly dull, no excitement anymore.
And yet, if we stay together but do more exciting things, will that solve the problem?
I was reflecting on the last several months, or more rather, dewy spring February past (spring comes in February where I live.) When I posted that ad, I wasn't looking for a relationship - but that's delightfully how it ended up. Everything has been wonderful; in fact, it's been the best relationship of my life. No one is like James.
And yet - I remember fancying myself then as that "wet young femme fatale", bringing dozens of poor depraved men to their knees, begging to fuck me. Oh, the possibilities that existed then! They could exist again! I was suddenly seized by the urge to live out that existence, that fancy.
But in the current state of affairs, I am James'. I am his. I belong to him. He trusts me to be his, and never to stray. I promised I would be his. And in return he is mine, my man, my lover, my hard cock, the arms that possess me and undress me. He asked me if I was sure; was I sure I wanted to be in a relationship? Was I sure I wanted to give up the freedom to 'date around' to be with him? Stodgy old him?
At the time I was sure. No one else, not even Jack, whose presence inspired this entire aspect of my existence, was as important to me as him. I would forego all possibilities for him. He and I belonged to each other and no one else.
But now?
Now James is out of town on the train, and instead of missing him like I always do when he rides to El Paso, instead I am now as detached in mind from him as I can be. I am not thinking of the person-him, what he says, looks like, and does - but the concept-him - our relationship, monogamy, exclusivity. And I suddenly do not want it anymore.
I keep thinking these feelings cannot possibly be real, they're imaginary feelings, an imaginary anxiety that has taken hold of me, and it will be broken when I see him this weekend. They certainly seem they should be ungrounded in reality, for their reasons seem nonexistent.
I have asked several people what to do.
Some say, break up, you're nineteen, you shouldn't be in a serious relationship at this point, you should be exploring and experimenting, fucking around, whoring, you didn't want a relationship in the first place, it can't work out, he's so much older than you...
Some say, getting bored in a relationship is normal. It's bound to happen sooner or later, regardless of the couple or their situation. You really shouldn't worry about it, just ignore it and it will go away, it will pass.
Some say, if you're bored, bring it up. Is your relationship worth communicating about? Tell him how you feel and try to work it out. If he's so important to you, you shouldn't give up your relationship just because of this. Try doing something different together!
To the first, I say, yes, I'm nineteen, but I'm different from all the other nineteen-year-olds. The rest are in sororities. I'm the only one of my kind on the whole campus of 38,000 - and definitely the only one living the life I want to live. How can I be compared to the sorority sluts who date their douchebag peers? How are my choices in life remotely similar to theirs?
To the second, what if the boredom does not pass? What if these feelings are persistent and soon I have repressed it so that I feel nothing but apathy around James? What if I come to resent him?
To the third, what if he takes it personally? How am I supposed to say it, "No offense but I'm bored with you and we need to do different things"? What if doing different things doesn't work? If he fucks me in the park like he did once before, and I feel nothing, what do I do then?
Besides all of this, one of the respondents from February's Request has resurfaced.
It was my fault, really - I started it by emailing, "Professor Christian, do you remember me?"
To which he replied "Yes! I do! Are you nineteen yet?"
He asked why I wrote to him.
Why did I write to him?
I told him it was because I needed someone to talk to - about my sudden relationship insecurities. What else could I say? It was what was on my mind - so I told him what was going on. He's a complete stranger, I've never met him in person, although I've seen his face before and know where his office is. And I told him.
He was the one who said I was only nineteen and should whore around. Of course he made it quite clear with several sexual references that he would be interested in being one of the dirty old men to benefit from my liberation.
Why did I write to him, really?
I don't know anyone anymore. James is the only person in my life - my best friend ditched me, and I am alone on my university campus. I tried to make friends with a girl my age here, but she's always busy. I need to know more people, talk to more people. Christian's was one of the addresses lingered on my email list for months, because perhaps I might like to talk to him again someday.
Besides that, perhaps I am a whore. There's no denying I was attracted to him when he first wrote. There was no denying every time I walked by the building on campus that houses his office, I thought of him - only fleetingly, never strongly enough to approach him. Had there been no response of Michael's or James' - Christian's would have won. Perhaps I was keeping his address in reserve for someday when I could consummate the fantasy of being fucked by a real University professor in his real office in a legitimate building on campus. James and I have had sex in an office, on a desk, but in a completely different kind of office than I had been wishing for. Quite a difference between a labor union office and an academic office.
Christian and I talked until 2 AM last night, first about my relationship, and then just general things - which he laced with the sexual references and innuendos that could easily seduce me if I were unattached and/or morally weak. I asked him if he spoke Swedish, and asked if he could translate some picture books for me. He said of course, although he questioned whether we would get much reading done. I attempted to steer the conversation towards the more frigid and platonic, saying "But I really would like to know what the stories are about" although I could have just as easily reciprocated the teasing, asked him whether he had a sexy accent in English or not - or something.
When I finally went to bed, I had a dream about Christian. I dreamt I was in my kitchen (for some reason), waiting to meet him for the first time in person. He walked up to me and grabbed me. He pulled out his cock, which I've never actually seen, but which in the dream was the biggest cock I've ever seen, long and pale and uncircumcised in Scandinavian fashion. He forced it into my mouth. I forced it back out again and told him "Professor, I still don't know what I am doing yet. I still need to work this out." At which point I woke up at 6:30 and got ready for class.
I scheduled an appointment with a psychologist at the campus counseling services tomorrow morning. I need to sort this out.
Feels like a conspiracy, why is he so nice to me?
You give, he takes, he gives, you turn away, why do you turn away?
He gives me sweet, healthy love - so why do you turn away?
Why can't you be satisfied?"
Everything has been going well with James, and I have a sudden, irrational, unexplainable urge to end our relationship.
I don't understand it. I don't know why. Why can't I be satisfied?
He's as sweet as he's always been. We do the same things we've always done.
That might be the problem - we do the same things all the time. It's gotten contentedly dull, no excitement anymore.
And yet, if we stay together but do more exciting things, will that solve the problem?
I was reflecting on the last several months, or more rather, dewy spring February past (spring comes in February where I live.) When I posted that ad, I wasn't looking for a relationship - but that's delightfully how it ended up. Everything has been wonderful; in fact, it's been the best relationship of my life. No one is like James.
And yet - I remember fancying myself then as that "wet young femme fatale", bringing dozens of poor depraved men to their knees, begging to fuck me. Oh, the possibilities that existed then! They could exist again! I was suddenly seized by the urge to live out that existence, that fancy.
But in the current state of affairs, I am James'. I am his. I belong to him. He trusts me to be his, and never to stray. I promised I would be his. And in return he is mine, my man, my lover, my hard cock, the arms that possess me and undress me. He asked me if I was sure; was I sure I wanted to be in a relationship? Was I sure I wanted to give up the freedom to 'date around' to be with him? Stodgy old him?
At the time I was sure. No one else, not even Jack, whose presence inspired this entire aspect of my existence, was as important to me as him. I would forego all possibilities for him. He and I belonged to each other and no one else.
But now?
Now James is out of town on the train, and instead of missing him like I always do when he rides to El Paso, instead I am now as detached in mind from him as I can be. I am not thinking of the person-him, what he says, looks like, and does - but the concept-him - our relationship, monogamy, exclusivity. And I suddenly do not want it anymore.
I keep thinking these feelings cannot possibly be real, they're imaginary feelings, an imaginary anxiety that has taken hold of me, and it will be broken when I see him this weekend. They certainly seem they should be ungrounded in reality, for their reasons seem nonexistent.
I have asked several people what to do.
Some say, break up, you're nineteen, you shouldn't be in a serious relationship at this point, you should be exploring and experimenting, fucking around, whoring, you didn't want a relationship in the first place, it can't work out, he's so much older than you...
Some say, getting bored in a relationship is normal. It's bound to happen sooner or later, regardless of the couple or their situation. You really shouldn't worry about it, just ignore it and it will go away, it will pass.
Some say, if you're bored, bring it up. Is your relationship worth communicating about? Tell him how you feel and try to work it out. If he's so important to you, you shouldn't give up your relationship just because of this. Try doing something different together!
To the first, I say, yes, I'm nineteen, but I'm different from all the other nineteen-year-olds. The rest are in sororities. I'm the only one of my kind on the whole campus of 38,000 - and definitely the only one living the life I want to live. How can I be compared to the sorority sluts who date their douchebag peers? How are my choices in life remotely similar to theirs?
To the second, what if the boredom does not pass? What if these feelings are persistent and soon I have repressed it so that I feel nothing but apathy around James? What if I come to resent him?
To the third, what if he takes it personally? How am I supposed to say it, "No offense but I'm bored with you and we need to do different things"? What if doing different things doesn't work? If he fucks me in the park like he did once before, and I feel nothing, what do I do then?
Besides all of this, one of the respondents from February's Request has resurfaced.
It was my fault, really - I started it by emailing, "Professor Christian, do you remember me?"
To which he replied "Yes! I do! Are you nineteen yet?"
He asked why I wrote to him.
Why did I write to him?
I told him it was because I needed someone to talk to - about my sudden relationship insecurities. What else could I say? It was what was on my mind - so I told him what was going on. He's a complete stranger, I've never met him in person, although I've seen his face before and know where his office is. And I told him.
He was the one who said I was only nineteen and should whore around. Of course he made it quite clear with several sexual references that he would be interested in being one of the dirty old men to benefit from my liberation.
Why did I write to him, really?
I don't know anyone anymore. James is the only person in my life - my best friend ditched me, and I am alone on my university campus. I tried to make friends with a girl my age here, but she's always busy. I need to know more people, talk to more people. Christian's was one of the addresses lingered on my email list for months, because perhaps I might like to talk to him again someday.
Besides that, perhaps I am a whore. There's no denying I was attracted to him when he first wrote. There was no denying every time I walked by the building on campus that houses his office, I thought of him - only fleetingly, never strongly enough to approach him. Had there been no response of Michael's or James' - Christian's would have won. Perhaps I was keeping his address in reserve for someday when I could consummate the fantasy of being fucked by a real University professor in his real office in a legitimate building on campus. James and I have had sex in an office, on a desk, but in a completely different kind of office than I had been wishing for. Quite a difference between a labor union office and an academic office.
Christian and I talked until 2 AM last night, first about my relationship, and then just general things - which he laced with the sexual references and innuendos that could easily seduce me if I were unattached and/or morally weak. I asked him if he spoke Swedish, and asked if he could translate some picture books for me. He said of course, although he questioned whether we would get much reading done. I attempted to steer the conversation towards the more frigid and platonic, saying "But I really would like to know what the stories are about" although I could have just as easily reciprocated the teasing, asked him whether he had a sexy accent in English or not - or something.
When I finally went to bed, I had a dream about Christian. I dreamt I was in my kitchen (for some reason), waiting to meet him for the first time in person. He walked up to me and grabbed me. He pulled out his cock, which I've never actually seen, but which in the dream was the biggest cock I've ever seen, long and pale and uncircumcised in Scandinavian fashion. He forced it into my mouth. I forced it back out again and told him "Professor, I still don't know what I am doing yet. I still need to work this out." At which point I woke up at 6:30 and got ready for class.
I scheduled an appointment with a psychologist at the campus counseling services tomorrow morning. I need to sort this out.