On October 22nd, 2004.. John Warren Loughman died leaving behind a loving wife of 60 years.. 4 child
Last Thursday i tried, again, to break up with Brian. The night before, the same issue arose and i packed my bookbag with enough clothes for a month and tried to sleep. I woke up that morning and called out of work.. I knew I wasn't going to be able to work so I saw no reason in going in, also when there's no work for me to do, calling out isn't so bad because otherwise i'm stuck there incredibly bored until i leave early to be even more bored doing nothing at school.
So that morning I went with Brian to school.. even though i said i was leaving, even though I had a packed bag i still couldn't leave. we spent the day together, until he had to go to work around 3. so I went home. again, i still had every intention of not coming back to him. our problems never get solved and I just get more and more sad over them.
so I went home. back to my parent's house. i needed my family. one of the first things my sister says to me is how my grandfather is not feeling well.. how he told my mom and grandma he just wanted to die. this was very scary to me. i couldn't lose my grandpa.. he had to come to my wedding. he had to see my first child. he had to live. so I IM'd brian and asked him to come to my house after work.. so we could go see my grandpa.
he did. we stayed there for a while.. as he coughed up phlegm I held the tissue catching it. my grandpa met my boyfriend. brian didn't say much.. there wasn't much to say. my grandpa looked defeated. he looked like he wanted to die.. like he was ready to die. i couldn't handle it.
that night i ate cheese. we went to pizza hut and i ate almost half a pie of cheese pizza. i didn't care anymore about anything.. because look, my grandpa who means everything to me wants to die. who the fuck cares about living my life by a million restrictions that mean nothing.
Brian and I slept over... why? because I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to leave my family. the next morning, i drove him to the train.. than I went out shopping with my sister, she needed to get things for my nephews 5th birthday party being held on saturday. while we were in the parking lot.. at costco. her cell phone rang. she started screaming "No, no, no...". I knew. I said, grandpa died? I knew. My nephew heard me and said something to the effect of "grandpa's dead".. I wasn't sad. I didn't feel anything. i was completely numb. I had a happy disposition, to be honest. I didn't feel it was important for to me to start breaking down. You had to be strong, is what I told myself. My nephew was sitting in the car with me. I told him that the night before, grandpa said that he loved him very much and that he missed him. Keyshawn had wanted to go with me to see my grandpa.. He was very upset, because he said he doesn't see grandpa a lot. I wish now that I brought him. Keyshawn could have said goodbye.. could have brought that twinkle back into my grandpa's eyes.
See that is just it. When I walked into that room i didn't see the grandfather I always knew. I saw a man who was beaten down by age and disease. I saw a person who honestly was tired of always fighting. Always trying to be strong for everyone else. My grandpa was the one who didn't cry or get upset. He kind of just saw life as life.. that you couldn't change it, you just had to accept it. My grandma was the overly emotional one.. always crying and distraught. When my aunt Bonnie died, it was my grandfather and I who were the strong ones. We were not crying.. we were okay. Granted, we obviously weren't okay.. but we hid it the best. Maybe my grandpa wasn't hiding anything, maybe he truly just saw bonnie as becoming an angel to God or something, and that it was okay. I knew it wasn't okay. That day my aunt died I went to our church and asked God how he could take my aunt from me. How he could take my aunt from our family. How he could strip my family of the true light in all that darkness. My aunt was something special.. something only the lucky families ever experience. She was truly selfless, like my grandfather.
When I was 7 or maybe 8.. we moved into my house that I live in now. Part of the reason we moved into this house was because my grandparents were going to live with us and this house had two seperate entrences in the back. So my grandparents could have the illusion of privacy in a house with 5 kids. The reason why they needed to live with us was because they couldnt' afford to pay their mortgage on their own house. My grandfather had a grandmal epileptic seisure because he chose to stop taking and paying for his medicine because he couldn't afford it. Such a world where the truly amazing have to suffer because they put the health and welfare of others infront of them. So my grandparents moved in with us, the best decisiona nd worst decision they ever made. They go to watch us grow up.. they got to see the good and the bad. They felt like they weren't appreciated or loved, at times. other times, they felt extremely loved. A couple years back, during the really bad heat wave when everyone lost power for days I stayed with my grandparents and kept on putting cold compresses on their foreheads to keep them cool so they wouldn't overheat.. I used to go wtih them to the movies all the time, just hang out with them. I'd go with them to visit my relatives upstate. But within the last few years, that all went away. I couldn't go see my grandfather in the nursing home. I let him down. I wasn't his favorite anymore.. I wasn't the one making him so happy. My brother took over my spot. And that Il'l never forgive myself for.
I lost my grandfather only a few days ago. And it hurts so bad, I can't understand it. I won't let myself break down. I won't let myself not be strong, for my grandfather. This family has no backbone anymore.. We don't have anyone to keep us afloat. My grandmother can not take on the responsibility. My grandfather is gone. And even as I sit here tying this I won't let myself cry. I wont' let myself feel the emotions because I'm afraid of what will happen if I do. I know I'll blame myself even more.. I know Il'l feel so much regret and sadness.. And i know I'll want to crawl into a corner and not leave. So I'll just sit here and act strong.. Because only one person truly knows what happens when someone I am extremely close to dies.
Only one person knew me after my aunt died. and that one person, I will not talk to anymore. But only he knows how much my grandfather means to me. I gotta go lie down. It's like I don't feel anything anymore. Why should i? Everyone dies. Either today or 10 years from now. Everyone will leave you. And where will they go? Into the ground. never to talk to you again. never to smile at you. never to tell you how pretty you are. never to hold your hand. or kiss your cheak. or be there when you graduate from college. or when you have your first baby. or when you are sick. when you're happy. nothing.
they're just gone. why live when everyone you love will die? and leave you.
So that morning I went with Brian to school.. even though i said i was leaving, even though I had a packed bag i still couldn't leave. we spent the day together, until he had to go to work around 3. so I went home. again, i still had every intention of not coming back to him. our problems never get solved and I just get more and more sad over them.
so I went home. back to my parent's house. i needed my family. one of the first things my sister says to me is how my grandfather is not feeling well.. how he told my mom and grandma he just wanted to die. this was very scary to me. i couldn't lose my grandpa.. he had to come to my wedding. he had to see my first child. he had to live. so I IM'd brian and asked him to come to my house after work.. so we could go see my grandpa.
he did. we stayed there for a while.. as he coughed up phlegm I held the tissue catching it. my grandpa met my boyfriend. brian didn't say much.. there wasn't much to say. my grandpa looked defeated. he looked like he wanted to die.. like he was ready to die. i couldn't handle it.
that night i ate cheese. we went to pizza hut and i ate almost half a pie of cheese pizza. i didn't care anymore about anything.. because look, my grandpa who means everything to me wants to die. who the fuck cares about living my life by a million restrictions that mean nothing.
Brian and I slept over... why? because I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to leave my family. the next morning, i drove him to the train.. than I went out shopping with my sister, she needed to get things for my nephews 5th birthday party being held on saturday. while we were in the parking lot.. at costco. her cell phone rang. she started screaming "No, no, no...". I knew. I said, grandpa died? I knew. My nephew heard me and said something to the effect of "grandpa's dead".. I wasn't sad. I didn't feel anything. i was completely numb. I had a happy disposition, to be honest. I didn't feel it was important for to me to start breaking down. You had to be strong, is what I told myself. My nephew was sitting in the car with me. I told him that the night before, grandpa said that he loved him very much and that he missed him. Keyshawn had wanted to go with me to see my grandpa.. He was very upset, because he said he doesn't see grandpa a lot. I wish now that I brought him. Keyshawn could have said goodbye.. could have brought that twinkle back into my grandpa's eyes.
See that is just it. When I walked into that room i didn't see the grandfather I always knew. I saw a man who was beaten down by age and disease. I saw a person who honestly was tired of always fighting. Always trying to be strong for everyone else. My grandpa was the one who didn't cry or get upset. He kind of just saw life as life.. that you couldn't change it, you just had to accept it. My grandma was the overly emotional one.. always crying and distraught. When my aunt Bonnie died, it was my grandfather and I who were the strong ones. We were not crying.. we were okay. Granted, we obviously weren't okay.. but we hid it the best. Maybe my grandpa wasn't hiding anything, maybe he truly just saw bonnie as becoming an angel to God or something, and that it was okay. I knew it wasn't okay. That day my aunt died I went to our church and asked God how he could take my aunt from me. How he could take my aunt from our family. How he could strip my family of the true light in all that darkness. My aunt was something special.. something only the lucky families ever experience. She was truly selfless, like my grandfather.
When I was 7 or maybe 8.. we moved into my house that I live in now. Part of the reason we moved into this house was because my grandparents were going to live with us and this house had two seperate entrences in the back. So my grandparents could have the illusion of privacy in a house with 5 kids. The reason why they needed to live with us was because they couldnt' afford to pay their mortgage on their own house. My grandfather had a grandmal epileptic seisure because he chose to stop taking and paying for his medicine because he couldn't afford it. Such a world where the truly amazing have to suffer because they put the health and welfare of others infront of them. So my grandparents moved in with us, the best decisiona nd worst decision they ever made. They go to watch us grow up.. they got to see the good and the bad. They felt like they weren't appreciated or loved, at times. other times, they felt extremely loved. A couple years back, during the really bad heat wave when everyone lost power for days I stayed with my grandparents and kept on putting cold compresses on their foreheads to keep them cool so they wouldn't overheat.. I used to go wtih them to the movies all the time, just hang out with them. I'd go with them to visit my relatives upstate. But within the last few years, that all went away. I couldn't go see my grandfather in the nursing home. I let him down. I wasn't his favorite anymore.. I wasn't the one making him so happy. My brother took over my spot. And that Il'l never forgive myself for.
I lost my grandfather only a few days ago. And it hurts so bad, I can't understand it. I won't let myself break down. I won't let myself not be strong, for my grandfather. This family has no backbone anymore.. We don't have anyone to keep us afloat. My grandmother can not take on the responsibility. My grandfather is gone. And even as I sit here tying this I won't let myself cry. I wont' let myself feel the emotions because I'm afraid of what will happen if I do. I know I'll blame myself even more.. I know Il'l feel so much regret and sadness.. And i know I'll want to crawl into a corner and not leave. So I'll just sit here and act strong.. Because only one person truly knows what happens when someone I am extremely close to dies.
Only one person knew me after my aunt died. and that one person, I will not talk to anymore. But only he knows how much my grandfather means to me. I gotta go lie down. It's like I don't feel anything anymore. Why should i? Everyone dies. Either today or 10 years from now. Everyone will leave you. And where will they go? Into the ground. never to talk to you again. never to smile at you. never to tell you how pretty you are. never to hold your hand. or kiss your cheak. or be there when you graduate from college. or when you have your first baby. or when you are sick. when you're happy. nothing.
they're just gone. why live when everyone you love will die? and leave you.