(no subject)

Dec 17, 2008 19:56

So we're supposed to get jobs now? I've never actually had one before. Sometimes I did errands for people, like fighting monsters or delivering things, but not full-time!

And there's the guilds, too. I wonder which one I should join. Maybe the Congeries, or the Legion. I want to help, especially because all these people are nice enough to take us in. Polyxene's a really nice person. I've only been here for a few days and she's already helped me out a lot.

Jobs, guilds, places to live...wow, somehow things are a little more complicated when you're not traveling.

Speaking of which, it's still weird knowing Colette's here. Not that that's a bad thing! But she doesn't remember me or anything about the last two years.

[The handwriting, usually plain and neat, turns messy--more like a hasty scribble.]

You're not supposed to forget things here, are you?


[The handwriting gradually returns to its usual style.]

[Private]
I don't want to forget. I think...I think I should write out what I remember now, in case I ever do.

My name is Emil Castagnier. I come from Luin, where I live with my Aunt Flora and Uncle Alba after my parents died in a massacre in Palmacosta. But Aunt Flora and Uncle Alba aren't my real aunt and uncle, though I'd like to have a real relationship with them someday. And my parents aren't really my parents.

I'm really a part of Ratatosk, a Summon Spirit of the Great Kharlan Tree that supplied mana to the world thousands of years ago. I was the lord of all monsters and the guardian of the Ginnungagap, the entrance to the demon realm. All that is still a little scary to think about. I was awoken by two scientists, Richter and Aster. I was angry at humans and half-elves because they'd destroyed the Great Tree even though there was a new one now, so I killed Aster and I wanted to get rid of all humans and half-elves before Richter killed me in revenge.

Richter started making pacts with demons and helped organize the Vanguard after that, so he could kill me for good and bring Aster back to life. It was because of the Vanguard that the Blood Purge in Palmacosta happened, and during that the daughter of the Vanguard's leader ran away with my core and awakened me again. I don't know why I did, but I took on the form of Aster and there I was. I didn't know who I was, or where I was...but Marta was there, and she thought I saved her. I left after that, and I found the woman I think of as my mother now. She thought I was her son, Emil. I had no memories at the time, so I believed I was him after that and went to Luin like my mother asked.

And then Marta came to Luin looking for the Centurions' cores (Centurions are sort of like Ratatosk's servants), and Richter came looking for her because he thought Marta had Ratatosk's core...I put a fake on her forehead in Palmacosta, to lure others away from me. I'm still a little ashamed of that. One of the Centurions, Tenebrae, helped me become a Knight of Ratatosk to save Marta and after that we went looking for the cores after that.

Even if I forget who I am, I can't forget the friends I made during that journey. Colette, Raine, Genis, Regal, Sheena, Zelos, Presea...even Lloyd Irving, even though I thought he was the one who killed my parents. But it turns out he didn't, and he's really a good person too! All my friends are good people.

And Marta. I definitely can't forget Marta. I don't know where I'd be without her today. She's helped me so much. When I thought I was Aster, when I first found out I was Ratatosk, she was there helping me out and telling me it didn't matter because I am who I am, and who I used to be before doesn't change that.

Richter, too. He told me something once, when we first met: "Courage is the magic that turns dreams into reality." It became my mantra, and it's given me courage ever since. He wanted to kill me, but he had his reasons. I murdered Aster, and there's nothing I can do to make up for that. But even so he's still a good friend of mine. He helped me to come out of my shell, even though we were sort of enemies most of the time. I owe a lot to him, too, and he's the reason I am where I am right now.

Once I found out I was Ratatosk, a lot of things happened. Now I'm sort of in two parts. There's my core form, which is back in the Ginnungagap (I have Richter to thank for that!), and then me. I'm sort of another personality aside from Ratatosk's, really, but we're still the same person in the end. With Richter and another Summon Spirit's help I can still live a full life as myself instead of remaining in the Ginnungagap for a thousand years.

I hope I deserve it. I know everyone would say it's not my fault, but I've done some bad things. I killed Aster, and Decus, and even Marta's father, and so much happened because of me. I can't erase my mistakes. Even if it may not bring the dead back, I can only try and work to make up for them, and live for those whose lives got cut short--like Aster.

That's what I want to do in the long run. Right now I'm in Soeldei to figure out where I stand...once I'm ready, I'll go back home and rejoin everybody again.
[/Private]

[By now the handwriting is clean and stable again.]

Um...I think I should start finding a job now, and a place to live.

figuring stuff out, look more tl;dr, wrong impression emil, colette, polyxene

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