Let's talk II
They also belive that a path of "Radical Hedonism" is a form of freedom... Who is they? I dunno. I guess it was me when I was younger too. The more I think about it (probably far too often) the more I see that real freedom is belief in something. After the end of the party days arrived and there was one too many days spent physically punching myself, telling myself how much I wanted to disappear and how much I hated myself and how useless I was (So different to hours before, ecstatic on the dancefloor) realising all my money was gone, I had debt agencies chasing me and I was a dishonest, pipe-dreaming, walking addiction that was of no value to anyone... page by page of the diary it became clearer. The only way out is to find something worth fighting for. To serve... something. Something bigger than me to pull me out because despite for so long believing I was so fantastic, I'd totally fucked up and was on the verge of... I dunno... something not good. How Could I go so wrong??!?! Why were people I considered myself equal to (I know, that's a pretty stupid sort of valuation, but I did it in my own head) moving ahead, while I drowned? Somehow this ME was not a worthy goal. In fact chasing ME was quite destructive. Being an all or nothing person, I took it too it's extremes and found where it's climax is. Nooooooooooooot Gooooooooooooood. How did I digress so much? I haven't drunkl or smoked all year. I read the Guru Granth Sahib, Sikh Religious Book before bed. To read what people who were 1000 times as clear and selfless than I'll ever be have to say. It just puts my mind at rest. Accross language and time they say what I really ache to hear. "You're dirty. You fucked up. But you can get your dignity back." I've taken to wearing a woolen vest and combing my hair. Laugh, but it's true. Luckily the tattoos means I don't look like a total Bible basher! But in another way I feel more radical than I ever did in my party days. I actually feel like a fighter now. I actually feel psycologically 'tough'. There's still a long way to go, but I can hold people's gaze during conversation now. I used to feel the guilt bubble up all the time. Even if it had nothing to do with who I was talking to. I just used to be thinking "You're talking to a dishonest worm."