My Not So Fair Weathered Friend...
When life throws a curveball you always have your LJ where noone who will get in your face will annoy you or try to relate wrongly to you exists ... All those people are the ones on FAcebook ... It's amazing how on a "social networking" site you're soo afraid to say somthing that one of your "friends" will take offence to or make fun of, so you don't post anything.. or you only post updates to those little flash games ... which are like crack ... eh is anyone who reads this wants to add me there go ahead my name on there is Filyryme Buttersauce ... yes Of course I didn't use my real name ... I'd have freaks like you people adding me :P
Anyway, today I found out that my Grandfather died on the 26th of March and his funeral was today, my Dad only found out lunchtime yesterday and I only found out due to my oh so tactful mother bringing it up conversationally "Oh By the way Mel your grandfather died on the 26th his funeral was today I'm going to ring your grandmother to find out how it went"...
I don't remember ever meeting my grandfather .. I know I did when i was about 2 and he gave me a plastic mini mouse purse which i loved to death when it got chucked out when i was about 5 or 6 .. I'm not even sure what his name is, all these years Ive thought it was George, but I overheard my mum referring to him as Bob on the phone to my nana ... so I really don't know.. I know my aunties and uncles and nana have never really talked about him, I've been told he was an alcoholic and abusive to my nana third handedly when i was about 15, which sucks yes, but my father also was abusive to my family as we were growing up, and i've forgiven him and my mother for all the things the did and beatings they handed out when we were young.. why couldn't they forgive him later in life?
He died of emphezima (don't know how to spell it) ... by the sounds of it in a hostel for men somewhere near/in Brisbane.. the man in the room next door to him told him to beat on the wall if he needed help ... He did that and the man called the ambulance but it was almost seconds too late for him ... it really makes me sad that someone of my own flesh and blood died alone with noone to love him, and most probably in pain.
When things were really bad when I was younger I used to have these little daydreams that my grandfather would turn around and be a good man and take me and my brother away from my family so we could be safe and happy. where we could go to a school for more than 2/3 years and not have to worry about food or worry about having to sell our things for money.. it was the hope of a young girl who was desperate for something to look foward to really, a view to "Narnia" as it were .. I always had a vague recollection of his face but never a full vision of it and just now it occours to me I'm mourning for someone I wouldn't even know if i saw him on the street, maybe I'm mourning the ideal grandfather I'd built up in my mind who would think I was the best grandkid anyone would want and never hurt or yell at me, like most of the other kids I knew grandads...
I really am not sure how to feel about it all at the moment. I'm afraid to ask questions in case I upset someone, and even if i wasn't afraid I wouldn't know who or what to ask...
I don't know, I'm upset that the little girl inside me isn't going to be rescued by her grandad afterall, eventhough I'm far from that little girl in many respects. I'm also upset that someone I SHOULD have made an effort to know about and to possibly meet and get to know him died, on his own, with noone there to love him. I know we really can't choose the way we die, But I sure as hell would like to know that someone out there loved me enough to be near while I was that ill and close to the other side....
anyway.. I should try and sleep for now, undoubtly my old friend I will return to you and talk to you again :)
Anyway, today I found out that my Grandfather died on the 26th of March and his funeral was today, my Dad only found out lunchtime yesterday and I only found out due to my oh so tactful mother bringing it up conversationally "Oh By the way Mel your grandfather died on the 26th his funeral was today I'm going to ring your grandmother to find out how it went"...
I don't remember ever meeting my grandfather .. I know I did when i was about 2 and he gave me a plastic mini mouse purse which i loved to death when it got chucked out when i was about 5 or 6 .. I'm not even sure what his name is, all these years Ive thought it was George, but I overheard my mum referring to him as Bob on the phone to my nana ... so I really don't know.. I know my aunties and uncles and nana have never really talked about him, I've been told he was an alcoholic and abusive to my nana third handedly when i was about 15, which sucks yes, but my father also was abusive to my family as we were growing up, and i've forgiven him and my mother for all the things the did and beatings they handed out when we were young.. why couldn't they forgive him later in life?
He died of emphezima (don't know how to spell it) ... by the sounds of it in a hostel for men somewhere near/in Brisbane.. the man in the room next door to him told him to beat on the wall if he needed help ... He did that and the man called the ambulance but it was almost seconds too late for him ... it really makes me sad that someone of my own flesh and blood died alone with noone to love him, and most probably in pain.
When things were really bad when I was younger I used to have these little daydreams that my grandfather would turn around and be a good man and take me and my brother away from my family so we could be safe and happy. where we could go to a school for more than 2/3 years and not have to worry about food or worry about having to sell our things for money.. it was the hope of a young girl who was desperate for something to look foward to really, a view to "Narnia" as it were .. I always had a vague recollection of his face but never a full vision of it and just now it occours to me I'm mourning for someone I wouldn't even know if i saw him on the street, maybe I'm mourning the ideal grandfather I'd built up in my mind who would think I was the best grandkid anyone would want and never hurt or yell at me, like most of the other kids I knew grandads...
I really am not sure how to feel about it all at the moment. I'm afraid to ask questions in case I upset someone, and even if i wasn't afraid I wouldn't know who or what to ask...
I don't know, I'm upset that the little girl inside me isn't going to be rescued by her grandad afterall, eventhough I'm far from that little girl in many respects. I'm also upset that someone I SHOULD have made an effort to know about and to possibly meet and get to know him died, on his own, with noone there to love him. I know we really can't choose the way we die, But I sure as hell would like to know that someone out there loved me enough to be near while I was that ill and close to the other side....
anyway.. I should try and sleep for now, undoubtly my old friend I will return to you and talk to you again :)