The heart of the matter
I've been musing on a couple of songs over the last number of days. The first is the intro and outro from India Arie's "Acoustic Soul" album. I'll elaborate on that one next week or maybe tomorrow if I get enough time.
The second is "Surrender" by Barlow Girl.
My hands hold safely to my dreams
Clutching tightly not one has fallen
So many years I've shaped each one
Reflecting my heart, showing who I am
Now You're asking me to show
What I'm holding Oh so tightly
Can't open my hands, can't let go
Does it matter?
Should I show You?
Can't You let me go?
Surrender, Surrender, You whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can't You see?
My dreams are me. My dreams are me.
You say You have a plan for me
And that You want the best for my life
Told me the world had yet to see
What You can do with
One that's committed to Your calling
I know of course what I should do
That I can't hold these dreams forever
If I give them now to You
Will You take them away forever?
Or can I dream again?
Surrender, Surrender, You whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can't You see?
My dreams are me. My dreams are me.
Surrender.
This next part is full of thoughts about God and some about marriage and a lot about living the Christian life. If that holds no interest for you, feel free to go read something else.
I brought this CD back into my car on Sunday as I was leaving to not go to church. The first lines of the very first song go, "I can't believe that I'm here in this place again. How did I manage to mess up one more time? This pattern seems to be the story of my life. Should've learned this lesson by the thousandth time." I thought of those as I was getting ready and wanted to listen to them. I have a habit of doing this. I don't go to church for a while, and then it becomes increasingly harder to go. Especially out here. I just haven't been able to find a good church. The ones with good community suck with their theology and the ones with good theology suck with their lack of community. There's one church that I've gone to off and on for the last half year. I really like the pastor's honesty. However there's an entire lack of people my age. I've found that at a lot of churches. I think there's something about the period of life in between college and the mid-30s that people just stop going to church - too busy, not applicable, etc. I know that a lot of people my age are having a hard time finding a church with good community. It's especially sad since the church I came out of at UofM was so incredible in their fire and love.
So anyhow, I decided that since I was leaving too late to make it to church even acceptably late (10-15 min), I would just go to a park nearby and read and spend the morning with God. It had been probably 2-3 months since I had even cracked open my Bible. We had a wonderful time, God and I. His presence, his Words, his Creation. I'd been far away from God for a while. My head had been filled with thoughts of how I'm not where I wanted to be in my life by this time, how I want to be married but I'm not even dating right now, how there aren't really any possibilities on the horizon, how my career is not even started yet - that I'm afraid to start it. I felt like God had been holding out on me, had been withholding good things from me. I knew it was a lie. Still I had backed away. So the time spent reconnecting with my oldest friend was good, and I could feel his smile as I walked back to my car. On my way home I heard it. "Surrender". It hit me like an anvil over the head.
The message is nothing new. Dying to oneself. Giving up the old life and all its attachments so as to embrace the new. But it hit me in a new way, a more personal way this time. I was thinking about marriage (again) and how I don't want to just be married, to just find someone to make it work with. I want to have a love for the ages, one to make the "gods" jealous, one to put to shame even the best that Hollywood could come up with. And I was thinking about the "mystery of marriage", about the 2 becoming 1 - which always reminds me of a scene from "Farscape". It's the episode where John and Zan (sp?) do the Unity thing and where they show them in unity where they are so completely 1 that they occupy the same space and instantaneously know each other's minds and hearts. I know that's not possible, but I want to feel the anguish of wanting to be completely one with somebody and not being able to in this lifetime, to never be quite close enough as I want to be. That made me think about how when the 2 become 1 there is no longer a "me", but a "we". How Al rejoices so much in the "we" part of her marriage. I'm not saying the "me" disappears or even should disappear, but it is often pushed to the side to make way for the bigger "we".
And thinking about the "mystery of marriage" makes me think about the passage that's from in Ephesians where Paul talks about how marriage is a parallel of Christ and the Church. And I realized that this surrending, this giving over of my dreams, this dying to myself is so that dreams of "me" can be replaced by dreams of "we". So that God and I can dream together. The bigger "we". And the only reason why I hesitate to give my dreams over, why I clutch them so tightly is that I doubt his heart. That somehow I tell myself that God doesn't love me as much as he does, or that he doesn't really have my best interests at heart, or that my desires will be railroaded by what he wants. I doubt his heart. May I live and love and doubt no more.
So that's part 1 of what's been milling about in my head. Part 2 is far less ethereal. I think I'm becoming more comfortable writing what's in my heart. I hope that's a good thing.
Must remember to try to pick up a new sketch book when I go to Target. I'll need something to do this weekend when Al's at work and the boys are gaming.
The second is "Surrender" by Barlow Girl.
My hands hold safely to my dreams
Clutching tightly not one has fallen
So many years I've shaped each one
Reflecting my heart, showing who I am
Now You're asking me to show
What I'm holding Oh so tightly
Can't open my hands, can't let go
Does it matter?
Should I show You?
Can't You let me go?
Surrender, Surrender, You whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can't You see?
My dreams are me. My dreams are me.
You say You have a plan for me
And that You want the best for my life
Told me the world had yet to see
What You can do with
One that's committed to Your calling
I know of course what I should do
That I can't hold these dreams forever
If I give them now to You
Will You take them away forever?
Or can I dream again?
Surrender, Surrender, You whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can't You see?
My dreams are me. My dreams are me.
Surrender.
This next part is full of thoughts about God and some about marriage and a lot about living the Christian life. If that holds no interest for you, feel free to go read something else.
I brought this CD back into my car on Sunday as I was leaving to not go to church. The first lines of the very first song go, "I can't believe that I'm here in this place again. How did I manage to mess up one more time? This pattern seems to be the story of my life. Should've learned this lesson by the thousandth time." I thought of those as I was getting ready and wanted to listen to them. I have a habit of doing this. I don't go to church for a while, and then it becomes increasingly harder to go. Especially out here. I just haven't been able to find a good church. The ones with good community suck with their theology and the ones with good theology suck with their lack of community. There's one church that I've gone to off and on for the last half year. I really like the pastor's honesty. However there's an entire lack of people my age. I've found that at a lot of churches. I think there's something about the period of life in between college and the mid-30s that people just stop going to church - too busy, not applicable, etc. I know that a lot of people my age are having a hard time finding a church with good community. It's especially sad since the church I came out of at UofM was so incredible in their fire and love.
So anyhow, I decided that since I was leaving too late to make it to church even acceptably late (10-15 min), I would just go to a park nearby and read and spend the morning with God. It had been probably 2-3 months since I had even cracked open my Bible. We had a wonderful time, God and I. His presence, his Words, his Creation. I'd been far away from God for a while. My head had been filled with thoughts of how I'm not where I wanted to be in my life by this time, how I want to be married but I'm not even dating right now, how there aren't really any possibilities on the horizon, how my career is not even started yet - that I'm afraid to start it. I felt like God had been holding out on me, had been withholding good things from me. I knew it was a lie. Still I had backed away. So the time spent reconnecting with my oldest friend was good, and I could feel his smile as I walked back to my car. On my way home I heard it. "Surrender". It hit me like an anvil over the head.
The message is nothing new. Dying to oneself. Giving up the old life and all its attachments so as to embrace the new. But it hit me in a new way, a more personal way this time. I was thinking about marriage (again) and how I don't want to just be married, to just find someone to make it work with. I want to have a love for the ages, one to make the "gods" jealous, one to put to shame even the best that Hollywood could come up with. And I was thinking about the "mystery of marriage", about the 2 becoming 1 - which always reminds me of a scene from "Farscape". It's the episode where John and Zan (sp?) do the Unity thing and where they show them in unity where they are so completely 1 that they occupy the same space and instantaneously know each other's minds and hearts. I know that's not possible, but I want to feel the anguish of wanting to be completely one with somebody and not being able to in this lifetime, to never be quite close enough as I want to be. That made me think about how when the 2 become 1 there is no longer a "me", but a "we". How Al rejoices so much in the "we" part of her marriage. I'm not saying the "me" disappears or even should disappear, but it is often pushed to the side to make way for the bigger "we".
And thinking about the "mystery of marriage" makes me think about the passage that's from in Ephesians where Paul talks about how marriage is a parallel of Christ and the Church. And I realized that this surrending, this giving over of my dreams, this dying to myself is so that dreams of "me" can be replaced by dreams of "we". So that God and I can dream together. The bigger "we". And the only reason why I hesitate to give my dreams over, why I clutch them so tightly is that I doubt his heart. That somehow I tell myself that God doesn't love me as much as he does, or that he doesn't really have my best interests at heart, or that my desires will be railroaded by what he wants. I doubt his heart. May I live and love and doubt no more.
So that's part 1 of what's been milling about in my head. Part 2 is far less ethereal. I think I'm becoming more comfortable writing what's in my heart. I hope that's a good thing.
Must remember to try to pick up a new sketch book when I go to Target. I'll need something to do this weekend when Al's at work and the boys are gaming.