Rediscovery Through Another's Eyes
During our last trip to LA, we met someone new to our rag tag bear community, R. He's young, and at that time not out to really anyone. A curiosity. I found myself wondering if I could still truly relate to someone in this situation.
We had the opportunity to hang out with R, and C who R was recently infatuated with, through the rest of our stay. I realized he had a good head on his shoulders. Sure he was new to all this, but given time he'd find his way. We connected on BC and seeing that I haven't been shy about posting skin shots there, I accepted that part of the draw was pornographic. There was idle flirting. Being the sort of slut I am, I don't have much patience for that. And given that I wasn't sure how serious things were with C, I kind of put the breaks on flirting and started to wiggle toward more serious topics.
To my delight, there was substance there. I wasn't exactly surprised, but I was pleased just the same. Slowly we worked our way toward conversations of his own self-awareness and his coming to terms with coming out. It wasn't at all certain when this might happen, but I made a conscious decision to share of myself in any way that might benefit him... And doing so more or less on his terms, to avoid being pushy about making big steps.
This has been playing out over many months, but just the other evening we spent a few hours on the phone. For those who know me, this is not common. It takes a real connection to get me to devote this kind of real time to another person, even if it is just on the phone. Honestly, I think of have enjoyed our conversation face-to-face -- and sharon_masters can attest to how long such discourse can last!
But as much as this conversation was focused on recent events in R's coming out, it triggered a number of recollections from my own past and got me to thinking about where my own path has taken me. There were times in the conversation where R thanked me for my wisdom and insight. And I caught myself, and reminded him that all I can do is offer my perspective based on my experience. At the same time, while it may sound like I've got my shot together there are indeed so many areas where I know I have challenges.
One simple example I shared with R is that I truly dread performance evaluations at work. I always have. There is something deep inside that, on some level, is always desperately consumed with the notion that I'm not enough, that I'm slacking, that I just won't compare well with others. And each time I go through the process, I actually find myself a little stunned that the reality is actually pretty damn good. Sure there are struggles and areas for improvement. But each time it comes to writing self-evaluations, I get that damned knot in my stomach again. This year I think I finally started taking a small amount of the old feedback to heart. Baby steps, I suppose.
I occurred to me that this was important to share not so much because I wanted to bear my soul, but to point out that while it might seem to R that he so far behind and that he needs our help... that in reality he will find his own way. And also he needs to remember that these things we share from our experiences are merely examples, from which he decides what makes sense to him and whether to borrow anything from them.
As I pondered the conversation afterward, I found myself smiling about all the things I'd recognized were really great things about my journey so far. I'm equally inspired by being able to be able to get some perspective about things that are still challenges for me. I sometimes face pressure from others, including Y, to "just get over" or "look beyond" certain things. What I have learned to do for myself over time is to not beat myself up so much over things I might consider failings... these are just things I have struggles with and will eventually find a way to handle. I sometimes have to remind Y that I actually need the space to do that, too. And there have been times when I've had to point out that I can appreciate that he has similar struggles, if the particulars are somewhat unique.
And then it occurs to me. That newbie, who at first I was concerned would just be too far removed from my own experiences to relate to, actually had a lot to teach me as well... or at the very least had things to show me through seeing my own past travels reflected through his present experiences. So whenever we are on our collective journeys, we're each capable of helping everyone else on our way. :-)
I can only imagine how this will play out as H joins us. While my anxiety tends to focus on how I won't get certain needs met easily or how will I cope as life changes, I also need to be mindful and present for H & Y for all our sakes. :-) The adventures to come will take me and us down completely uncharted territory.
In just the same way that I look back on the time before I became aware of my inherent need and desire for BDSM, I think that I will look back on this time (before H) with similar fascination. Realizing this takes some of the anxiety away. But at some point -- quite soon, in fact -- the business of actually starting to travel this new path will completely distract me from the anxiety I'm feeling now. :)