A Letter on Open Play in a Relationship
Something interesting has happened lately. In several of my online profiles -- especially on gay bear sites and in apps like Scruff and GROWLr -- I have made a point to share that I identify as an ethical slut (amongst several other things). Several have asked to know more, of course, but a growing number are inquiring about how they can integrate this into their own relationships. Wow. Didn't expect that. But as I was writing a response to the most recent inquiry, I decided I'd post the reply here.
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J,
Well, I certainly can't give you specific advice for how to approach your partner on this subject, but I'm happy to share my own experience in case it may be helpful. One thing I routinely suggest to folks who are seeking to explore sex-positive openness or polyamorous situations is to read the book "Ethical Slut". While the title might sound provocative, it offers an excellent basis upon which to consider one's approach and offers insight into what works for relationships in different contexts.
In my case, I choose to be very clear and up-front about the fact that I enjoy sex, and I enjoy variety. Doesn't mean I sleep with anything with a pulse -- there are rules -- but I also enjoy the intimacy and passion of exploring with a variety of people. On our very first date, I put the full inventory of my interests -- which goes well beyond just sex, FWIW -- and philosophy on the table. Later in the same conversation, I made it clear that whatever my explorations, my primary relationship was really the main focus of my attention and that nothing else I do should jeopardize that. The last major element to share is that I would gladly pause all that so that the two of us had time to see where our individual relationship was going and for him to come to some consensus for all this other stuff and how we might choose to approach it.
Why do I do this? Well, in part, I have little patience or desire to put a fair amount of energy into a relationship if right from the get-go the other party is clear that this isn't something they're comfortable with. That's fair, and we should both be prepared to move on if this would violate serious boundaries. Also, it makes it extremely clear that I intend to conduct myself in a very transparent manner with my partner, and that I appreciate they have a say in what antics I get into -- it won't just be "me" any more. We have to come to a balance between the individuals and the couple. :-)
Over the next several months, as we got to know one another and forge a growing commonality in our lives, we also spent some time actually discussing our feelings and thoughts about being open, what it might entail, and eventually what rules/protocol we'd want to use to ensure that boundaries weren't being crossed and to maintain safety for our relationship. Above all, I wanted to be sure there was no pressure in this. I wanted him to be able to process and prepare in his own way before anything happened.
By the time we went to our first bear run together, Convergence/BiggerVegas in 2009, he felt that this would be a good time to try this out and test the rules we'd put into place. Pretty basic stuff: once one of us had identified someone we'd like to play with (and I like the word "play" because it both denotes the goal and the fact that this is playtime, not a basis for a relationship) we would then introduce that person to our partner, giving them a chance to get a feel for them and have the opportunity to give their blessing, as it were. (As it turns out, we also tend to share on a regular basis the conversations we're having with others, so that by the time introductions occur, we also have an idea of who it is we're meeting.)
My partner has been part of the bear/chub scene for much longer than I, so he already had a fair number of people he knew and had played with in the past. So it didn't come as too much surprise to me when he walked up with someone -- who he had told me about -- and inquired whether I would mind them going to play. "Have fun!" was my reply. ;-) And while not a tit-for-tat situation, I was HORNY. LOL So as they turned to walk away, I turned to the group of friends -- several who had been teasing about how they'd like to play -- I announced "well, I think it's safe to say that he's ready for things to happen, and I'm damned horny, so whoever comes up to make a claim, it's TIME". Funnily, enough, they were all pensive about it -- sometimes I think guys prefer the coyness and teasing, but I wanted ACTION. So a hot guy who I'd noticed when we arrived eventually came over, with all the other guys around (I like ballsy approaches) and simply said "wanna play?" And off we went, much to the surprise of the teasers. :-))
And those first few times, we really did have to sit down and talk through what we were feeling and it wasn't always easy. Just because there is an arrangement for open play doesn't mean there won't be jealousy, anger, etc. It happens. But what evolves out of that, as we've explored, is a trust in the other person that each can conduct themselves openly, and enjoy the company of other people, without affecting their relationship and feelings for one another. In my view, I think that it can even help a relationship in the sense that it keeps partners up-front and communicating with one another.
We have definitely had situations where one or both of us have declined play, too. In fact, we had another couple each individually contact one of us, interested to play. Had quite a lot of teasing and discussion about it. But when the two of us compared notes, we realized they weren't talking to each other. We agreed to inquire and learned they had a rule not to share or discuss their outside play. This made us uncomfortable because we know them socially and count them amongst our friends in the local bear community. What would happen if we engaged in our separate play and it eventually leaked out? (Discretion is a must, of course, but things happen.) So we decided together that this, while it would be fun, involved too many risks.
So, for us, we have learned to integrate spotting guys, comparing notes, and sharing our play experiences (sometimes involving playing together, watching the other, or pimping each other out) into our relationship. It's just one part, of course, but as it's the topic here it's the one I'm focusing upon. ;-)
What will work for you in your relationship may be quite different. I wasn't at all sure how things would work out in my case, but I have been very pleased to find a partner with whom it works well. I guess one concern I would have in your situation is that you already have an established relationship. And whatever else may be going on, there's an established understanding and pattern. Introducing this new pattern, even discussing it, could prove challenging. The only advice I can offer is that you do whatever you can, in opening the discussion, to make it clear to your partner that your love and respect for them and your relationship isn't at issue... and what you're sharing with them is something you desire (perhaps even need). Above all, you should be prepared to give them time to process this new information -- you've been thinking about it for a while, but it's new to them -- and come to terms with what they feel they'd be comfortable with. And you need to be clear with yourself whether this is something you're prepared work with them and wait for, or if it's an absolute need and complete show-stopper.
In my case, I put all this on the table as soon as possible because I knew that eventually it was going to be something that would be a need for me. If I'd shared it while we were still dating and it turned out he was really uncomfortable with it, then we'd probably not gone further. So as much as you want to be mindful of how to present this to your partner, also be mindful of your own values and how important this is to you.
I hope at least some of this is helpful to you. I wish you the best, and would love to hear how it goes. It may take some time though. (hugs)
T
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J,
Well, I certainly can't give you specific advice for how to approach your partner on this subject, but I'm happy to share my own experience in case it may be helpful. One thing I routinely suggest to folks who are seeking to explore sex-positive openness or polyamorous situations is to read the book "Ethical Slut". While the title might sound provocative, it offers an excellent basis upon which to consider one's approach and offers insight into what works for relationships in different contexts.
In my case, I choose to be very clear and up-front about the fact that I enjoy sex, and I enjoy variety. Doesn't mean I sleep with anything with a pulse -- there are rules -- but I also enjoy the intimacy and passion of exploring with a variety of people. On our very first date, I put the full inventory of my interests -- which goes well beyond just sex, FWIW -- and philosophy on the table. Later in the same conversation, I made it clear that whatever my explorations, my primary relationship was really the main focus of my attention and that nothing else I do should jeopardize that. The last major element to share is that I would gladly pause all that so that the two of us had time to see where our individual relationship was going and for him to come to some consensus for all this other stuff and how we might choose to approach it.
Why do I do this? Well, in part, I have little patience or desire to put a fair amount of energy into a relationship if right from the get-go the other party is clear that this isn't something they're comfortable with. That's fair, and we should both be prepared to move on if this would violate serious boundaries. Also, it makes it extremely clear that I intend to conduct myself in a very transparent manner with my partner, and that I appreciate they have a say in what antics I get into -- it won't just be "me" any more. We have to come to a balance between the individuals and the couple. :-)
Over the next several months, as we got to know one another and forge a growing commonality in our lives, we also spent some time actually discussing our feelings and thoughts about being open, what it might entail, and eventually what rules/protocol we'd want to use to ensure that boundaries weren't being crossed and to maintain safety for our relationship. Above all, I wanted to be sure there was no pressure in this. I wanted him to be able to process and prepare in his own way before anything happened.
By the time we went to our first bear run together, Convergence/BiggerVegas in 2009, he felt that this would be a good time to try this out and test the rules we'd put into place. Pretty basic stuff: once one of us had identified someone we'd like to play with (and I like the word "play" because it both denotes the goal and the fact that this is playtime, not a basis for a relationship) we would then introduce that person to our partner, giving them a chance to get a feel for them and have the opportunity to give their blessing, as it were. (As it turns out, we also tend to share on a regular basis the conversations we're having with others, so that by the time introductions occur, we also have an idea of who it is we're meeting.)
My partner has been part of the bear/chub scene for much longer than I, so he already had a fair number of people he knew and had played with in the past. So it didn't come as too much surprise to me when he walked up with someone -- who he had told me about -- and inquired whether I would mind them going to play. "Have fun!" was my reply. ;-) And while not a tit-for-tat situation, I was HORNY. LOL So as they turned to walk away, I turned to the group of friends -- several who had been teasing about how they'd like to play -- I announced "well, I think it's safe to say that he's ready for things to happen, and I'm damned horny, so whoever comes up to make a claim, it's TIME". Funnily, enough, they were all pensive about it -- sometimes I think guys prefer the coyness and teasing, but I wanted ACTION. So a hot guy who I'd noticed when we arrived eventually came over, with all the other guys around (I like ballsy approaches) and simply said "wanna play?" And off we went, much to the surprise of the teasers. :-))
And those first few times, we really did have to sit down and talk through what we were feeling and it wasn't always easy. Just because there is an arrangement for open play doesn't mean there won't be jealousy, anger, etc. It happens. But what evolves out of that, as we've explored, is a trust in the other person that each can conduct themselves openly, and enjoy the company of other people, without affecting their relationship and feelings for one another. In my view, I think that it can even help a relationship in the sense that it keeps partners up-front and communicating with one another.
We have definitely had situations where one or both of us have declined play, too. In fact, we had another couple each individually contact one of us, interested to play. Had quite a lot of teasing and discussion about it. But when the two of us compared notes, we realized they weren't talking to each other. We agreed to inquire and learned they had a rule not to share or discuss their outside play. This made us uncomfortable because we know them socially and count them amongst our friends in the local bear community. What would happen if we engaged in our separate play and it eventually leaked out? (Discretion is a must, of course, but things happen.) So we decided together that this, while it would be fun, involved too many risks.
So, for us, we have learned to integrate spotting guys, comparing notes, and sharing our play experiences (sometimes involving playing together, watching the other, or pimping each other out) into our relationship. It's just one part, of course, but as it's the topic here it's the one I'm focusing upon. ;-)
What will work for you in your relationship may be quite different. I wasn't at all sure how things would work out in my case, but I have been very pleased to find a partner with whom it works well. I guess one concern I would have in your situation is that you already have an established relationship. And whatever else may be going on, there's an established understanding and pattern. Introducing this new pattern, even discussing it, could prove challenging. The only advice I can offer is that you do whatever you can, in opening the discussion, to make it clear to your partner that your love and respect for them and your relationship isn't at issue... and what you're sharing with them is something you desire (perhaps even need). Above all, you should be prepared to give them time to process this new information -- you've been thinking about it for a while, but it's new to them -- and come to terms with what they feel they'd be comfortable with. And you need to be clear with yourself whether this is something you're prepared work with them and wait for, or if it's an absolute need and complete show-stopper.
In my case, I put all this on the table as soon as possible because I knew that eventually it was going to be something that would be a need for me. If I'd shared it while we were still dating and it turned out he was really uncomfortable with it, then we'd probably not gone further. So as much as you want to be mindful of how to present this to your partner, also be mindful of your own values and how important this is to you.
I hope at least some of this is helpful to you. I wish you the best, and would love to hear how it goes. It may take some time though. (hugs)
T