Struggle
You know those things in your life that make you happy and stressed and melancholy at the same time?
I'm very excited to see my nephews this weekend. They are wonderful humans and I love having them over, facilitating experiences they don't usually get to enjoy.
It also causes that anguish and pain over losing my sister to push through all the coping mechanisms I've set in place over the last few years.
The heavy weight between my breasts that doesn't go away, pushing on my chest and making me feel as if my heart is going to stop.
Even the act of putting on my boots causes my eyes to blur with tears I don't want to shed. I think of the ridiculous slippers she brought me when I was in hospital, they looked like monster feet and everyone who walked past us as she pushed me through the halls smiled. I hear our drunken giggles as we stumble down the street after a night of celebrating my newly found freedom from my abusive husband.
I know my sorrow will lessen. The boys will go home and I'll pick up the cars and action figures strewn about my living room. I'll think of the good things and it won't trigger paralyzing misery.
But right now the mix of joy over my nephews and grief over their mother is overwhelming.
I'm very excited to see my nephews this weekend. They are wonderful humans and I love having them over, facilitating experiences they don't usually get to enjoy.
It also causes that anguish and pain over losing my sister to push through all the coping mechanisms I've set in place over the last few years.
The heavy weight between my breasts that doesn't go away, pushing on my chest and making me feel as if my heart is going to stop.
Even the act of putting on my boots causes my eyes to blur with tears I don't want to shed. I think of the ridiculous slippers she brought me when I was in hospital, they looked like monster feet and everyone who walked past us as she pushed me through the halls smiled. I hear our drunken giggles as we stumble down the street after a night of celebrating my newly found freedom from my abusive husband.
I know my sorrow will lessen. The boys will go home and I'll pick up the cars and action figures strewn about my living room. I'll think of the good things and it won't trigger paralyzing misery.
But right now the mix of joy over my nephews and grief over their mother is overwhelming.