(no subject)
dear jake,
i hate you. i hate the way i let myself hate you. i would like not to be such an angry person. but i can't because you made me that way...sort of. you made it worse. i was angry before i met you, that i will admit. i hope to hell you threw away that valentine's day card that i suspiciously stuck under your windshield wiper in the middle of the fucking night because if you didn't and you read it then i should just not bother writing this. secretly, i hope you die...i fantasize about you dying. i fantasize about you being out of my life for good. when my mom said we might go to kentucky, i was thrilled inside. i would live in a bigger house and drive a bigger more expensive car and have more expensive shit and my life would be fantastically empty and you would be GONE GONE GONE!!!!!! i hate you!!!!!!! when i saw you last night at mcdonalds i wanted to take your number three with a coke and throw it in your goddamn fucking face. just because it would make me feel better. you know, in my time of need, you can't even be there for me. yet you say you don't love me but i don't see how that's true since you clearly found the note then came to find me and came to find if there was anything left here worth looking for. there isn't. don't waste your time....if i had known that you were mine, i wouldn't have wasted MY time. i like it when we fight. i never told you that before either. BUT I LOVE IT. i love to yell at you and call you all sorts of names and throw in your face that you are a failure at life. would it kill you to hug me?? would it kill you to show a little kindness to me? obviously...i came home last night, in the darkness. actually no, i left work feeling unhappy and broken. i went to circuit city with matt to get my camera then i drove home. it was nice to be alone, finally. i mean sure, sometimes i like it at work because at least there's people there, unlike my house and my life, which is always empty....when i came home, it was quiet. beyond quiet. dead silent. so i took a shower. it's not so nice to smell like the french fries you just crammed in your mouth two hours earlier. i suddely felt sort of sick, i guess, because i know that whatever you were out doing then it couldn't have been good because i hadn't heard from you yet when i ASKED you to cal me...did you? no. you NEVER do.
i hate you. i hate the way i let myself hate you. i would like not to be such an angry person. but i can't because you made me that way...sort of. you made it worse. i was angry before i met you, that i will admit. i hope to hell you threw away that valentine's day card that i suspiciously stuck under your windshield wiper in the middle of the fucking night because if you didn't and you read it then i should just not bother writing this. secretly, i hope you die...i fantasize about you dying. i fantasize about you being out of my life for good. when my mom said we might go to kentucky, i was thrilled inside. i would live in a bigger house and drive a bigger more expensive car and have more expensive shit and my life would be fantastically empty and you would be GONE GONE GONE!!!!!! i hate you!!!!!!! when i saw you last night at mcdonalds i wanted to take your number three with a coke and throw it in your goddamn fucking face. just because it would make me feel better. you know, in my time of need, you can't even be there for me. yet you say you don't love me but i don't see how that's true since you clearly found the note then came to find me and came to find if there was anything left here worth looking for. there isn't. don't waste your time....if i had known that you were mine, i wouldn't have wasted MY time. i like it when we fight. i never told you that before either. BUT I LOVE IT. i love to yell at you and call you all sorts of names and throw in your face that you are a failure at life. would it kill you to hug me?? would it kill you to show a little kindness to me? obviously...i came home last night, in the darkness. actually no, i left work feeling unhappy and broken. i went to circuit city with matt to get my camera then i drove home. it was nice to be alone, finally. i mean sure, sometimes i like it at work because at least there's people there, unlike my house and my life, which is always empty....when i came home, it was quiet. beyond quiet. dead silent. so i took a shower. it's not so nice to smell like the french fries you just crammed in your mouth two hours earlier. i suddely felt sort of sick, i guess, because i know that whatever you were out doing then it couldn't have been good because i hadn't heard from you yet when i ASKED you to cal me...did you? no. you NEVER do.