I want to marry Henry Rollins.
I haven't written in a while because my life has been hectic. I don't know where to begin and I am not sure where I will end up as well.Honestly I have been fucking depressed. Usually I do have a one or two things not going right and thats pretty much life and I can deal with it. But the past few weeks have just gone down hill.
I had to move out of my house because we had to fix the foundation on our house. My family and I had to move everything pretty much out of the house and then move out of the house literally for a week. We stayed at a hotel and about half the time I didn't have anywhere to really go and I didn't sleep at all.
To make matters worse I decided to stay with Matt and on and off again boyfriend you could say. He begged me to stay and help him out with somethings he needed a ride to and I couldn't sleep anywhere comfortable so I did. I really wanted to make things good again like they can be and show that I really care and maybe his family would see that. Well things weren't that great after a few days. He would blow me off and some other things and I was having a horrible week. Then to end things my ex Matt drunk dialed me and pissed me off and then he kicked me out at 3 in the morning. To make matters worse my family knew about it and it didn't make my life any better either.
Work is hard. Its so fucking busy and it hectic. At least I have some sanity there and I don't have to think about all these problems. About how nothing is familiar even in my house. I don't have a relationship anymore. I am alone a lot of the time. All my friends have their relationships to worry about and I don't really see them too much. School is done to the wire.
I think what is bumming me out the most is two things.
As much as I don't understand it I really do love Matt. Yes I understand he doesn't get it when it comes to treating me right or he's not a catch but there is more than that. I know we both love each other very much but its all these issues in the way. His jealousy and insecurity.We talked the other day and he seemed like he got it.The last conversation we had a riped into him and how bad he treats me and how sick of it I am and how he should feel bad. Then we didn't talk for two weeks.But the weird thing is after we had a good talk the other day and I was started to feel like things might be okay I haven't heard from him. Like when I called him he phone was off all night and the next day the service was off. I am trying not to get weird and all but he never turns off his phone and he told me he was at his friend Logan's and I don't know who that is and it was all night. I have been trying not to care about the whole thing. It just hurts when you love someone so much and they don't understand or know what to do with it. Everyone keeps telling me to let it go but its really hard when I can see it in the way he looks at me and my heart feels different but at the same time I don't want to be put aside all the time and not be trusted or treated any less than what I deserve. I am just really torn.
I am getting tested for ovarian cancer in the next day. I have said this before because I went 6 months ago but the thing is that is for real this time. I had some weird physical thing done and they said that the next time we will see if your cells turn cancerous. So its that time and I am pretty freaked because I am going by myself. I choose to because I took my mom last time and I think he was pretty scared and was a little judgmental. But I am scared but I am facing it. Its a 50/50 because it going to be great news or bad news. The bad part of it all is that they are going to have to remove my cervix and that will pretty much will end me having kids ever and what ever procedures I have to go through.
Thats why I stopped sleeping the past few days.
Oh the thing about Henry Rollins. I want him or a guy like him. Thats the kind of guy that I should be with.
I had to move out of my house because we had to fix the foundation on our house. My family and I had to move everything pretty much out of the house and then move out of the house literally for a week. We stayed at a hotel and about half the time I didn't have anywhere to really go and I didn't sleep at all.
To make matters worse I decided to stay with Matt and on and off again boyfriend you could say. He begged me to stay and help him out with somethings he needed a ride to and I couldn't sleep anywhere comfortable so I did. I really wanted to make things good again like they can be and show that I really care and maybe his family would see that. Well things weren't that great after a few days. He would blow me off and some other things and I was having a horrible week. Then to end things my ex Matt drunk dialed me and pissed me off and then he kicked me out at 3 in the morning. To make matters worse my family knew about it and it didn't make my life any better either.
Work is hard. Its so fucking busy and it hectic. At least I have some sanity there and I don't have to think about all these problems. About how nothing is familiar even in my house. I don't have a relationship anymore. I am alone a lot of the time. All my friends have their relationships to worry about and I don't really see them too much. School is done to the wire.
I think what is bumming me out the most is two things.
As much as I don't understand it I really do love Matt. Yes I understand he doesn't get it when it comes to treating me right or he's not a catch but there is more than that. I know we both love each other very much but its all these issues in the way. His jealousy and insecurity.We talked the other day and he seemed like he got it.The last conversation we had a riped into him and how bad he treats me and how sick of it I am and how he should feel bad. Then we didn't talk for two weeks.But the weird thing is after we had a good talk the other day and I was started to feel like things might be okay I haven't heard from him. Like when I called him he phone was off all night and the next day the service was off. I am trying not to get weird and all but he never turns off his phone and he told me he was at his friend Logan's and I don't know who that is and it was all night. I have been trying not to care about the whole thing. It just hurts when you love someone so much and they don't understand or know what to do with it. Everyone keeps telling me to let it go but its really hard when I can see it in the way he looks at me and my heart feels different but at the same time I don't want to be put aside all the time and not be trusted or treated any less than what I deserve. I am just really torn.
I am getting tested for ovarian cancer in the next day. I have said this before because I went 6 months ago but the thing is that is for real this time. I had some weird physical thing done and they said that the next time we will see if your cells turn cancerous. So its that time and I am pretty freaked because I am going by myself. I choose to because I took my mom last time and I think he was pretty scared and was a little judgmental. But I am scared but I am facing it. Its a 50/50 because it going to be great news or bad news. The bad part of it all is that they are going to have to remove my cervix and that will pretty much will end me having kids ever and what ever procedures I have to go through.
Thats why I stopped sleeping the past few days.
Oh the thing about Henry Rollins. I want him or a guy like him. Thats the kind of guy that I should be with.