...yes I am on the market again..........
Okay since I am going to tell this story a million times over and over and then five times tomorrow I am just going to write it here to at least save me one more story. I left Joe Clark for good. And this is why because he doesn't get who I am at all and never will.He's extremely bipolar and obsessive and is in denial and I wish I could deal with it but I can't. He said some hurtful things to make me feel bad about myself when I shouldn't have and I should have never thought that I guy should take care of me. Yes, I did a bad thing to him and I was wrong and I am sorry. But I am sorry that he will never understand this and thats why I left and that I am happy to get that weight off my shoulders and be myself again.
That was the summary.
The horrible part was how this came about.
Joe was getting stuff done in his life he said such as Ebay, working, selling his car, and whatever else he had on that list. The problem was I found out I wasn't on that list...or I feel off to say. Ever since the big fight we had about me not being loyal things had been hard and yet good. I wanted to be with him and I was really trying to show that. But then I felt it started getting one sided and I was getting nothing back. I didn't think anything was wrong and that I deserved that for what I did until I really was hurting myself. Anyway I got sick a few weeks back and was bed ridden for a week straight. He saw me once and he wouldn't come over to see me. I blew it off I mean what else could I do I was sick and he was busy and dammn that was the least of my problems. A week later he was sort of blowing me off but I mean we weren't an item anymore so what could I do really? But then that made me think why aren't we still and that hurt my feelings when things had been going good and nothing had changed in out relationship except the title honestly. Then this week I worked a lot and he was bust doing Ebay. The few times I was there I was mostly by myslef watching TV while he was on the computer smoking and then later him wanting sex. That got old fast. He wouldn't even get up to go with me to get food or an errand. So I gave up on that idea. Then I was getting more depressed not really about him just about how my life was going. I really needed someone to help me sort things out and support me and I wanted him at my side. But I was put off, even after I came crying to his house after he blew me off to stay at his house and told him why I was upset.
The other night I worked late and I was said that we were going to hang out and with his best friend Chris that flew into town. I am driving home from work and call him and see what the plans are and he is already downtown drinking with some friends. Okay I saw that coming miles away and I wasn't too mad but definitely dissapointed. I go home sit in front of the computer upset and decide to give Megan a call and see if anyone is online. Megan was busy but it was nice talking to her. Anyway I decided to get some food with John Ritchie because he is my best friend and we needed to hang out. We travel all over town and finally find an IHOP that wasn't crazy at 2 in the morning. Anyway we eat and having a good time which I needed and Joe calls kind of buzz and him and Chris ask me to come over. So I do for a bit with John. Anyway Joe is pretty sloshed when I get there and I was peeved at that abit but he is a big boy. Anyway what was bugging me was that he was acting like everything was okay. But its not and wasn't. Anyway he noticed I wasn't smiling or anything asked me what was wrong and I said I don't want to talk right now in front of people. So we walk out while we are leaving and he tells me that they are going to a party. Then I get mad. He can't spend a fucking hour with me but go to a party and spend hours with a million people and some strangers? So I told him eveeything. And he blamed it on me. Because yes I did do something wrong and what is worse is believing that he would ever forgive me. He brought that shit up and that I was making him choose Chris over me. Which is not the case because I was cool with him going and I knew he was in town and Chris is a really nice guy. So why would I do that? So by then I am crying trying to explain myself and then he brings up of course "well we are not even together" bullshit. I asked him why he bothered and he said he's not going to anymore whicb I saw coming. But what he said that hurt most of all was that and I quote " it's not my job to make you feel better about yourself." I just lost it and I saw red and I slapped him in the face and called him an asshole. Then I ran like hell because Joe is the type of person to call the cops but this time he just called for his mom. So I jump in John's car and yell drive then half way there I have him pull over throw up and get to my house.
John Ritchie is the greatest guy on this planet and thank god he even considers me a friend. He got me in my house and stayed with me in the bathroom while I puked and spilled my guts out. I totally broke down and he told me everything would be okay its over now, brought me some water and put me to bed. Then a thunderstorm broke out and that tends to happy when I am seriously upset, its weird. So John stayed with me all night till I fell asleep.John I wish I could tell you in words that could describe how wonderful you are and what you did.
So the next day I go to work and I feel good actually. I finally talked to Becca and she is the sunshine in my life as she knows as well, and that alone made me feel like dammit things will be okay.
Joe left me a weird apology on my voicemail and it was good almost till he stuck his foot in his mouth that I had upset his happiness. Come on dude you are not happy and if you are right not you are a liar. Not saying he will never be but I couldn't take it seriously and I don't ever want to talk to him again, it over.
What sucks is the fact that I woke up from this bad dream. For the last two years of my life I feel like I haven't been myself and unhappy.Well thats done now. I am alive and well and I am going to fun, do things I was meant to do on this earth, make music, drink wine, have great conversations, move to salt lake in a year,and be the person I really am and was. I crazy girl with dreams, said and did what i felt what I pleased and not going to care about stupid shit like forming to what people think I should be like. So fuck that I am here this is me and if you don't like it fuck off because I am not going anywhere and this isn't the last you will hear of me.
That was the summary.
The horrible part was how this came about.
Joe was getting stuff done in his life he said such as Ebay, working, selling his car, and whatever else he had on that list. The problem was I found out I wasn't on that list...or I feel off to say. Ever since the big fight we had about me not being loyal things had been hard and yet good. I wanted to be with him and I was really trying to show that. But then I felt it started getting one sided and I was getting nothing back. I didn't think anything was wrong and that I deserved that for what I did until I really was hurting myself. Anyway I got sick a few weeks back and was bed ridden for a week straight. He saw me once and he wouldn't come over to see me. I blew it off I mean what else could I do I was sick and he was busy and dammn that was the least of my problems. A week later he was sort of blowing me off but I mean we weren't an item anymore so what could I do really? But then that made me think why aren't we still and that hurt my feelings when things had been going good and nothing had changed in out relationship except the title honestly. Then this week I worked a lot and he was bust doing Ebay. The few times I was there I was mostly by myslef watching TV while he was on the computer smoking and then later him wanting sex. That got old fast. He wouldn't even get up to go with me to get food or an errand. So I gave up on that idea. Then I was getting more depressed not really about him just about how my life was going. I really needed someone to help me sort things out and support me and I wanted him at my side. But I was put off, even after I came crying to his house after he blew me off to stay at his house and told him why I was upset.
The other night I worked late and I was said that we were going to hang out and with his best friend Chris that flew into town. I am driving home from work and call him and see what the plans are and he is already downtown drinking with some friends. Okay I saw that coming miles away and I wasn't too mad but definitely dissapointed. I go home sit in front of the computer upset and decide to give Megan a call and see if anyone is online. Megan was busy but it was nice talking to her. Anyway I decided to get some food with John Ritchie because he is my best friend and we needed to hang out. We travel all over town and finally find an IHOP that wasn't crazy at 2 in the morning. Anyway we eat and having a good time which I needed and Joe calls kind of buzz and him and Chris ask me to come over. So I do for a bit with John. Anyway Joe is pretty sloshed when I get there and I was peeved at that abit but he is a big boy. Anyway what was bugging me was that he was acting like everything was okay. But its not and wasn't. Anyway he noticed I wasn't smiling or anything asked me what was wrong and I said I don't want to talk right now in front of people. So we walk out while we are leaving and he tells me that they are going to a party. Then I get mad. He can't spend a fucking hour with me but go to a party and spend hours with a million people and some strangers? So I told him eveeything. And he blamed it on me. Because yes I did do something wrong and what is worse is believing that he would ever forgive me. He brought that shit up and that I was making him choose Chris over me. Which is not the case because I was cool with him going and I knew he was in town and Chris is a really nice guy. So why would I do that? So by then I am crying trying to explain myself and then he brings up of course "well we are not even together" bullshit. I asked him why he bothered and he said he's not going to anymore whicb I saw coming. But what he said that hurt most of all was that and I quote " it's not my job to make you feel better about yourself." I just lost it and I saw red and I slapped him in the face and called him an asshole. Then I ran like hell because Joe is the type of person to call the cops but this time he just called for his mom. So I jump in John's car and yell drive then half way there I have him pull over throw up and get to my house.
John Ritchie is the greatest guy on this planet and thank god he even considers me a friend. He got me in my house and stayed with me in the bathroom while I puked and spilled my guts out. I totally broke down and he told me everything would be okay its over now, brought me some water and put me to bed. Then a thunderstorm broke out and that tends to happy when I am seriously upset, its weird. So John stayed with me all night till I fell asleep.John I wish I could tell you in words that could describe how wonderful you are and what you did.
So the next day I go to work and I feel good actually. I finally talked to Becca and she is the sunshine in my life as she knows as well, and that alone made me feel like dammit things will be okay.
Joe left me a weird apology on my voicemail and it was good almost till he stuck his foot in his mouth that I had upset his happiness. Come on dude you are not happy and if you are right not you are a liar. Not saying he will never be but I couldn't take it seriously and I don't ever want to talk to him again, it over.
What sucks is the fact that I woke up from this bad dream. For the last two years of my life I feel like I haven't been myself and unhappy.Well thats done now. I am alive and well and I am going to fun, do things I was meant to do on this earth, make music, drink wine, have great conversations, move to salt lake in a year,and be the person I really am and was. I crazy girl with dreams, said and did what i felt what I pleased and not going to care about stupid shit like forming to what people think I should be like. So fuck that I am here this is me and if you don't like it fuck off because I am not going anywhere and this isn't the last you will hear of me.