....I don't think I have ever been this confused and I am confused a lot......
well.....i don't even know where to begin with the week i have had. i want everything to change but at the same time i want everything to stay the same. i wanted to get a new job and i was offered one at the studio finally after a year of interning....then to my disapointment it was given to a very good friend of mine and no one told me and i found out the hard way. so here was blaine telling me he had to ask about getting me in and tells me this three seperate occasions and then this. i didn't know what to say and it sucked. i wanted it to be my out of my shitty job and a step forward. all i wanted was a studio job or something in music and to finish my first full length album.after that i would try to expand. but yeah i went home all pissed off in the rain. i tried to call joe but of course he didn't answer. so i went home lied in bed snuggling with my dog because dammit he can at least fake that he cares....no he really does but he doesn't under stand because he doesn't have human emotions just like i don't have dog emotions but he got the point that i wasn't happy that universal.
the last few nights i have been drunk and high something out of my nature. i was just tired of it all. the work the stress the confusion. it was nice and scary at the same time.i like hanging out with friends especially the band but i don't know whats going on in my head exactly. i was just tired of thinking i guess.i drive myself insane that way.
i guess i have a confession i need to get off my chest and i know people are gonna say shit about it but oh well it is going to make me feel better about it now. i am starting to think that i am falling for someone and there's nothing i can do about it. it goes down like this though. yes i am with joe and i do love him but i know sadly in my heart he's not the one and he usually isn't the type of guy i am with. i am going through this thing for the past year where i didn't want to be involved with musicans but dammit its like herion to me. why can't i kick the habit? they are self centered bastards but god they ahve the most beautiful intense artist soul and spirit that i can't resist. and i know thats where i am going to end up and i am going to try to deny it because everyone of them seems to break my heart. thats why i guess i was trying to go for someone normal and fun kind of deal. i mean i like it but then again it that how i want to be for the rest of my life stuck in a surburban home with kids (i want kids but not like a soccer mom). i want to travel hear music do business and make sweet love to a beautiful artistic guy at the end of the night.someone to sing me to sleep. i really don't know what i want. like my mind wanders and it sucks and i don't mean to at all. i think i am just crushing and i hope it will pass but in the mean time i just feel so silent not that i am unhappy but that i am not being honest with myself but yet i know what i want for the moment.if you are confused by now so am i.
is it bad to think about someone while with someone else and still be okay with the person your with. i need to figure this shit out before i hurt someone else or me...it usually ends up being me because i am like that i rather hurt myself than others.pain is no stranger.
the band is going good,jeff our new singer is so great and we love him to death. i was floored when i heard him sing with the music we recorded and i am finally feeling good about the future. i feel like we have a complete family almost and i can't wait till summer when we start playing shows. i feel real good about the future so far thats one good stress in my life.
i went to see sleeptime gorilla muesum last night and that always makes me feel good. and i always see old friends there and i miss so many of them. but i had been dying to take joe and he thought it was amazing and it is. after the show i saw a million people.joe and i went and hung out at brian and aaron's apartment. i am glad brian it doing okay because he looks cleaned up now and we all had this amazing conversation about the world last night and i crave deep conversations. but yeah i went to bed feeling good and woke up early to go to work.
how can one person feel so empty when their life is so full?
the last few nights i have been drunk and high something out of my nature. i was just tired of it all. the work the stress the confusion. it was nice and scary at the same time.i like hanging out with friends especially the band but i don't know whats going on in my head exactly. i was just tired of thinking i guess.i drive myself insane that way.
i guess i have a confession i need to get off my chest and i know people are gonna say shit about it but oh well it is going to make me feel better about it now. i am starting to think that i am falling for someone and there's nothing i can do about it. it goes down like this though. yes i am with joe and i do love him but i know sadly in my heart he's not the one and he usually isn't the type of guy i am with. i am going through this thing for the past year where i didn't want to be involved with musicans but dammit its like herion to me. why can't i kick the habit? they are self centered bastards but god they ahve the most beautiful intense artist soul and spirit that i can't resist. and i know thats where i am going to end up and i am going to try to deny it because everyone of them seems to break my heart. thats why i guess i was trying to go for someone normal and fun kind of deal. i mean i like it but then again it that how i want to be for the rest of my life stuck in a surburban home with kids (i want kids but not like a soccer mom). i want to travel hear music do business and make sweet love to a beautiful artistic guy at the end of the night.someone to sing me to sleep. i really don't know what i want. like my mind wanders and it sucks and i don't mean to at all. i think i am just crushing and i hope it will pass but in the mean time i just feel so silent not that i am unhappy but that i am not being honest with myself but yet i know what i want for the moment.if you are confused by now so am i.
is it bad to think about someone while with someone else and still be okay with the person your with. i need to figure this shit out before i hurt someone else or me...it usually ends up being me because i am like that i rather hurt myself than others.pain is no stranger.
the band is going good,jeff our new singer is so great and we love him to death. i was floored when i heard him sing with the music we recorded and i am finally feeling good about the future. i feel like we have a complete family almost and i can't wait till summer when we start playing shows. i feel real good about the future so far thats one good stress in my life.
i went to see sleeptime gorilla muesum last night and that always makes me feel good. and i always see old friends there and i miss so many of them. but i had been dying to take joe and he thought it was amazing and it is. after the show i saw a million people.joe and i went and hung out at brian and aaron's apartment. i am glad brian it doing okay because he looks cleaned up now and we all had this amazing conversation about the world last night and i crave deep conversations. but yeah i went to bed feeling good and woke up early to go to work.
how can one person feel so empty when their life is so full?