honest confession
I have doubts steering us along. I don't wanna be insecure, but you're making it. I'm so tired sugar.
But i promised my 200% devotion as well as my 1000% optimism. Okay, so be it, you can see it in my blog. Right here? Its my court.
Not too sure if i am wasting your time by holding us together still. Sometimes it feels quite pointless because it feels one-sided. Am i selfish to say this? I don't wanna hold you back if you're not happy with me or if you cannot see our future. I'd let you go if i truly love you, so you can be in pursuit of your true happiness with another girl a million times better than me and i trust that it wouldn't be difficult since i failed as your gf anyway. I love you, but i am holding you back, is that being selfish?
I don't wanna be a saint, i just want to love you wholeheartedly and be treated likewise. I am not even asking for sacrifices like how i demanded you to. I changed for you, i put in words and action and showed the whole world how much you mean to me and these things were awkward for me. These gestures don't matter do they? You'd just scan through and nod in approval, you don't even bother finding out what happened in my life. You only check to see how much i've written about you and how much "love" i have penned down for you. See honey, its still all about you. You only get to book out on weekends, and its really short: 1 day max? and so what if you called for 5 mins a day. We talk about what happened to you in camp everyday, and i'd try to add in some of my input but i'll go back to you, worrying that you'd be bored of hearing me share my life. And you agreed to being bored when i added: okay i think i shall stop here before you get bored of my life story... and you said: yeah haha. Wow. You so cared about me and my stupid life.
I hope you'll never ever stumble upon this because you'd think i am pessimistic and whatnot and make this an excuse for our breakup because "we don't complement each other". Thats why i never talked about unhappy things or shared any negative emotions on my blog. But sometimes i just need someone to talk to for real and be cared for like a person. Maybe i am attention-seeking, i don't know, but i know it stems from being excluded from your life. Like i would always give in to you and do certain things like going around the whole of singapore just to find you muah chee and wait up till 1+ am just to make sure y. These small sacrifices mean nothing to me, i could do them all day long so long as you encourage me. Guess you haven't noticed how hard i have tried just to salvage our ruins.
And today, i looked forward to meeting you and spending more time with you despite only sleeping 2-3 hours a day over the past whole week. I was freaking tired and i was definitely ill, but i never make these excuses to not see you or meet you or accompany you till wee hours. You had your rest - ample rest i would say, but you fell asleep like usual anyway. I didn't mind waiting for you to wake up to send me home since you insisted that i shouldn't be taking a cab even when i swore i would be safe and all. Yeah baby, i was waiting for you to wake up. But your dad had to send me home and you agreed so readily without thinking how i didn't want this to happen. I don't want to trouble your dad to send me home not cos its awkward but its just...not right. It feels weird. It feels even weirder when you promised and made me wait for you just cos you didn't want me to take a cab, and then moved on to not sending me back the next moment. I know its no big deal, and when i see you in church later, i'd pretend i was fine and shrug this incident off.
I'm doing this because i don't want you to think i am unreasonable and a lousier gf than the lousy gf you said i was. I love you this much to deceive myself and hide this hurt and unhappiness within me, hoping that perhaps one day everything would be good like how we started out. But you know what? I think this could perhaps be a lie, the biggest lie i've ever told myself. I can just easily imagine one day a girl would come along all optimistic and cheery and she'd take you away from me. And what would you do? You'd ease this process by pushing me away claiming you had stopped liking me since last year. It sounds so real but i never mentioned it because i am a coward. A big freaking coward who is afraid of losing you. When issues come my way, i'd deal with it. Not this when i cannot even face it straight in the face. I admit i am weak when it comes to deciding what to do with you. I just have no idea anymore.
I feel quite directionless and perhaps helpless in a way. You had never given me the security and assurance i need, and not just me - its what every girl requires in any relationship. Perhaps you really expect me to be independent? And i am not too sure if i am performing well these days. No matter the answer, i tried my best. I won't give up because i want to make you realize that we are both facing the same direction instead of facing each other. I'd give it another shot.
I don't ever wanna lose you because that would mean losing a part of me. Please don't make me give up. ily.
But i promised my 200% devotion as well as my 1000% optimism. Okay, so be it, you can see it in my blog. Right here? Its my court.
Not too sure if i am wasting your time by holding us together still. Sometimes it feels quite pointless because it feels one-sided. Am i selfish to say this? I don't wanna hold you back if you're not happy with me or if you cannot see our future. I'd let you go if i truly love you, so you can be in pursuit of your true happiness with another girl a million times better than me and i trust that it wouldn't be difficult since i failed as your gf anyway. I love you, but i am holding you back, is that being selfish?
I don't wanna be a saint, i just want to love you wholeheartedly and be treated likewise. I am not even asking for sacrifices like how i demanded you to. I changed for you, i put in words and action and showed the whole world how much you mean to me and these things were awkward for me. These gestures don't matter do they? You'd just scan through and nod in approval, you don't even bother finding out what happened in my life. You only check to see how much i've written about you and how much "love" i have penned down for you. See honey, its still all about you. You only get to book out on weekends, and its really short: 1 day max? and so what if you called for 5 mins a day. We talk about what happened to you in camp everyday, and i'd try to add in some of my input but i'll go back to you, worrying that you'd be bored of hearing me share my life. And you agreed to being bored when i added: okay i think i shall stop here before you get bored of my life story... and you said: yeah haha. Wow. You so cared about me and my stupid life.
I hope you'll never ever stumble upon this because you'd think i am pessimistic and whatnot and make this an excuse for our breakup because "we don't complement each other". Thats why i never talked about unhappy things or shared any negative emotions on my blog. But sometimes i just need someone to talk to for real and be cared for like a person. Maybe i am attention-seeking, i don't know, but i know it stems from being excluded from your life. Like i would always give in to you and do certain things like going around the whole of singapore just to find you muah chee and wait up till 1+ am just to make sure y. These small sacrifices mean nothing to me, i could do them all day long so long as you encourage me. Guess you haven't noticed how hard i have tried just to salvage our ruins.
And today, i looked forward to meeting you and spending more time with you despite only sleeping 2-3 hours a day over the past whole week. I was freaking tired and i was definitely ill, but i never make these excuses to not see you or meet you or accompany you till wee hours. You had your rest - ample rest i would say, but you fell asleep like usual anyway. I didn't mind waiting for you to wake up to send me home since you insisted that i shouldn't be taking a cab even when i swore i would be safe and all. Yeah baby, i was waiting for you to wake up. But your dad had to send me home and you agreed so readily without thinking how i didn't want this to happen. I don't want to trouble your dad to send me home not cos its awkward but its just...not right. It feels weird. It feels even weirder when you promised and made me wait for you just cos you didn't want me to take a cab, and then moved on to not sending me back the next moment. I know its no big deal, and when i see you in church later, i'd pretend i was fine and shrug this incident off.
I'm doing this because i don't want you to think i am unreasonable and a lousier gf than the lousy gf you said i was. I love you this much to deceive myself and hide this hurt and unhappiness within me, hoping that perhaps one day everything would be good like how we started out. But you know what? I think this could perhaps be a lie, the biggest lie i've ever told myself. I can just easily imagine one day a girl would come along all optimistic and cheery and she'd take you away from me. And what would you do? You'd ease this process by pushing me away claiming you had stopped liking me since last year. It sounds so real but i never mentioned it because i am a coward. A big freaking coward who is afraid of losing you. When issues come my way, i'd deal with it. Not this when i cannot even face it straight in the face. I admit i am weak when it comes to deciding what to do with you. I just have no idea anymore.
I feel quite directionless and perhaps helpless in a way. You had never given me the security and assurance i need, and not just me - its what every girl requires in any relationship. Perhaps you really expect me to be independent? And i am not too sure if i am performing well these days. No matter the answer, i tried my best. I won't give up because i want to make you realize that we are both facing the same direction instead of facing each other. I'd give it another shot.
I don't ever wanna lose you because that would mean losing a part of me. Please don't make me give up. ily.