Regrettably not regretful :(
Like Jenn, I too have a hard time letting go of the past. I have a hard time not falling back into the way things were or the way I wanted them to be. It's hard to let go of the ones we once loved so much even though we know it is extremely toxic.
On Saturday I went home with CL. We spent hours talking about our past together, and even more hours fucking. It wasn't making love or sex, it was drunk lust. I vented about how I felt he had destroyed me and crushed my inner being and like a little boy he apologized over and over again, blaming himself, claiming to know that he'd lost the best thing he'd ever had. I told him that next time he thought he was in "love" he should keep it to himself until he was sure...because, I told him, you have no idea how powerful your words are and it is unfair to drag someone through your emotional exploration when you have no map yourself. He tried to tell me, again, that he meant everything he said at the time and that he thinks he just got scared to be on a path to something so certain when the rest of his future seemed so uncertain....blah,blah, blah.
What I did do was get all the emotions that I'd been holding inside for a long time OUT! It felt good to rag on him, make him squirm, and to let all the anger and pain go. Now I admit sleeping with him (3 times) was probably not such a good judgment call on my part. I mean I tell the guy that he broke me and then I let myself fall back into his arms. And I'm the one lecturing about mixed messages??? Whatever it's over now, nothing I can do about it! He wanted me to come over for breakfast in the morning but I told him I didn't think it would be a good idea. So I dropped him off at 5am and went back to my bed, alone and satisfied.
He called me tonight and I was out. I called him back when I got home and we chatted for like 5 min before he left for the gym. I think it was a "yikes I fucked her I should call her" call. See Jenn...I am just like you...I just can't let him go no matter how much he deflated me. I feel better now though, after relieving my pressing thoughts on him, so maybe I'll finally be able to set him free from my mind.
My American has emailed me a couple times and is talking about coming back down this way...so what if he has a son right??
My girls have their first soccer game on Monday and I'm so nervous. We've been practicing for 1.5 hours everyday this week and I think that they'll do great but I feel like I'm not qualified enough to bring them to victory. I mean it's been so long since I played soccer that I almost forget everything. Oh well that's what books and the internet are for. We're having fun and honestly I think that is best!
My Faculty Advisor came in today and left me with glowing remarks...every time he comes in I feel like I definitely made the right career choice. He says I do some things better than most experienced teachers!! He also said that he is going to talk to the HR person in the Surrey school district (they're friends) for me. I love that I'm good at my job because it would suck so much if I was terrible...after all the years oh praying to do this I'm so happy that I actually am. I am so close to the end that I can almost taste it!! I can't wait for the day when I have my own classroom and I'm no longer being observed.
Kay well I'm off to watch Survivor with the girls now. Peace Out y'all.
On Saturday I went home with CL. We spent hours talking about our past together, and even more hours fucking. It wasn't making love or sex, it was drunk lust. I vented about how I felt he had destroyed me and crushed my inner being and like a little boy he apologized over and over again, blaming himself, claiming to know that he'd lost the best thing he'd ever had. I told him that next time he thought he was in "love" he should keep it to himself until he was sure...because, I told him, you have no idea how powerful your words are and it is unfair to drag someone through your emotional exploration when you have no map yourself. He tried to tell me, again, that he meant everything he said at the time and that he thinks he just got scared to be on a path to something so certain when the rest of his future seemed so uncertain....blah,blah, blah.
What I did do was get all the emotions that I'd been holding inside for a long time OUT! It felt good to rag on him, make him squirm, and to let all the anger and pain go. Now I admit sleeping with him (3 times) was probably not such a good judgment call on my part. I mean I tell the guy that he broke me and then I let myself fall back into his arms. And I'm the one lecturing about mixed messages??? Whatever it's over now, nothing I can do about it! He wanted me to come over for breakfast in the morning but I told him I didn't think it would be a good idea. So I dropped him off at 5am and went back to my bed, alone and satisfied.
He called me tonight and I was out. I called him back when I got home and we chatted for like 5 min before he left for the gym. I think it was a "yikes I fucked her I should call her" call. See Jenn...I am just like you...I just can't let him go no matter how much he deflated me. I feel better now though, after relieving my pressing thoughts on him, so maybe I'll finally be able to set him free from my mind.
My American has emailed me a couple times and is talking about coming back down this way...so what if he has a son right??
My girls have their first soccer game on Monday and I'm so nervous. We've been practicing for 1.5 hours everyday this week and I think that they'll do great but I feel like I'm not qualified enough to bring them to victory. I mean it's been so long since I played soccer that I almost forget everything. Oh well that's what books and the internet are for. We're having fun and honestly I think that is best!
My Faculty Advisor came in today and left me with glowing remarks...every time he comes in I feel like I definitely made the right career choice. He says I do some things better than most experienced teachers!! He also said that he is going to talk to the HR person in the Surrey school district (they're friends) for me. I love that I'm good at my job because it would suck so much if I was terrible...after all the years oh praying to do this I'm so happy that I actually am. I am so close to the end that I can almost taste it!! I can't wait for the day when I have my own classroom and I'm no longer being observed.
Kay well I'm off to watch Survivor with the girls now. Peace Out y'all.