Me + Me = not me...?
I am having conflicting feelings about myself right now. I hate it.
One is that I have no idea what is going on with my body. Sure, I got in a car accident Wednesday. And my neck is supposedly screwed. But my neck hasn't hurt the last 2 days. Like, at all. On Thursday and Friday, I couldn't lift it up without helping it using my hand. But now I feel fine, just a slight tinge if I bend it backward. Is it because I'm used to the pain? Or is it really feeling just fine, now? And sure, it feels fine (thus causing me to think that it probably IS fine)...but is there still something wrong with it? However, just as I was cleaning my room today I got these sharp pains in my lower back. Is this because of the accident, too? I am just worried that my body isn't doing the right things and there is nothing I can do to control it. And I feel really out of touch with what is happening to me.
But, contrarily, I really feel like I am "coming into my own." (That's a weird saying, but let's run with it. Come to think of it, "let's run with it" is a weird saying too. Bah.) I just feel as though, this past month or two, I have been more real and true to myself than I ever have before. I am trying so hard to just do what I want to do and not worry about what others think of that. Through J-Hi and most of High School, I've put far too much effort into guaranteeing that my peers held me in high esteem and thought of me as "cool." But I have just realized as of late, that the best way to be "cool" is to be your Goddamn self. And I want to kick myself in the shin for not realizing this earlier. But the only way I can make up for it is to act this way from now on.
But I feel so awkward right now. It's as though I am a new person in this old, dilapidated and mangled body. My mental state right now is NOT cohesive with my current physical state. (This might have had a lot to do with my disappointment in shopping, yesterday. I was in such high spirits and felt on top of the world, but then nothing went my way.)
Answers to this formidable condition seem so far away, though. I know that no one can simply tell me what's wrong or how to fix this. But I have no clue how to stop feeling this way, either. Oh Lord...
One is that I have no idea what is going on with my body. Sure, I got in a car accident Wednesday. And my neck is supposedly screwed. But my neck hasn't hurt the last 2 days. Like, at all. On Thursday and Friday, I couldn't lift it up without helping it using my hand. But now I feel fine, just a slight tinge if I bend it backward. Is it because I'm used to the pain? Or is it really feeling just fine, now? And sure, it feels fine (thus causing me to think that it probably IS fine)...but is there still something wrong with it? However, just as I was cleaning my room today I got these sharp pains in my lower back. Is this because of the accident, too? I am just worried that my body isn't doing the right things and there is nothing I can do to control it. And I feel really out of touch with what is happening to me.
But, contrarily, I really feel like I am "coming into my own." (That's a weird saying, but let's run with it. Come to think of it, "let's run with it" is a weird saying too. Bah.) I just feel as though, this past month or two, I have been more real and true to myself than I ever have before. I am trying so hard to just do what I want to do and not worry about what others think of that. Through J-Hi and most of High School, I've put far too much effort into guaranteeing that my peers held me in high esteem and thought of me as "cool." But I have just realized as of late, that the best way to be "cool" is to be your Goddamn self. And I want to kick myself in the shin for not realizing this earlier. But the only way I can make up for it is to act this way from now on.
But I feel so awkward right now. It's as though I am a new person in this old, dilapidated and mangled body. My mental state right now is NOT cohesive with my current physical state. (This might have had a lot to do with my disappointment in shopping, yesterday. I was in such high spirits and felt on top of the world, but then nothing went my way.)
Answers to this formidable condition seem so far away, though. I know that no one can simply tell me what's wrong or how to fix this. But I have no clue how to stop feeling this way, either. Oh Lord...