In Defense of Matthew
So much backlash against Matthew. He's my favorite character, dear, sweet Matthew. Many think he's changed a great deal in S2. Thanks to the war, that's inevitable. Unfortunately, as eolivet has pointed out, JF decided to not attempt to flesh out Matthew's character in any great detail, just rendering a few war scenes here and there, and showing him depressed about his injuries. While I love Mary and feel MD has carried much of S2 on her own, I feel sometimes this has certainly been at the expense of Matthew Crawley. But I do think it's not correct to assess that Matthew has in anyway mistreated Mary during S2. I'm not saying he's flawless or not made bad decisions, but never do I believe he intentionally set out to hurt Mary or purposely break her heart (or Lavinia's). In fact, I think he's tried to do just the opposite. So below are my thoughts. No spoilers so you should be safe to read.
Episode 1: This marks the return of Matthew. It's been at least 2 years since Mary has seen him. He's been to war and now gotten himself engaged. He's moved on. When he steps into Downton Abbey for that benefit concert, he's with fiancee, Lavinia, a woman he is sure loves him for who he is. He can't say the same for Mary. That first moment he speaks to her, during introductions to Lavinia, this is probably the coldest Matthew is to her. After the concert, they seem to make up. Mary is all smiles and talks of friendship again. Matthew relaxes. When he leaves to go back to the front, Mary meets him at the train station. She has a present for him and Matthew seems to finally be at a relief. They are friends again. That is how he looks at it. And while he could possibly ponder the underlying meaning of Mary waking up so early, Mary giving him a lucky charm, Mary kissing him on the cheek before he goes, all of this takes a backseat to where he is going: war. A place he's been before and knows too well. He probably thinks he won't return.
Episode 2: The next time Matthew sees Mary is with Carlisle now making his presence clear. From his perspective, Mary is moving on (though he might have guessed she did so the minute he walked out of the garden party). We see very little of Matthew around Carlisle. One of the few "Non Mary" moments happens to Matthew in this episode, as he comments on the soldiers coming to Downton. The maimed and crippled, and he now realizes that war brings a whole new fear. I believe, for the first time, he suddenly realizes that death may not be the worst that can happen to him. Oh, how I wish JF had gotten more into this from Matthew's perspective, but that would have taken up much of Moseley's screen time. (/sarcasm) But the point of the episode is for Mary to consider telling Matthew her feelings. Obviously she doesn't, and again, Matthew's POV simply notices how friendly Mary has gotten with Lavinia. Why should Matthew possibly suspect Mary is in a hell over him?
Episode 3: Matthew shows up to the surprise of all at DA. I do notice how he follows Mary around a bit too much here. (I love it). The earlier episodes he seemed to keep a proper distance between he and Mary but not so in the moment. Is this because the spontaneous nature of the visit kept his guard down and those buried feelings are coming out? It really doesn't matter, it's such a short scene you can argue it anyway you want. But as with all previous scenes, Mary has that mask up. She's her usual flippant and witty self, but they speak of the war effort and nothing of consequence. Most of the episode revolves around Lavinia's secret, which Mary finds out but honorably does not tell Matthew. The fact Matthew seems eager for the information is interesting. I don't think it means he's necessarily looking for an out of the relationship, but more on maybe realizing he doesn't know Lavinia as well as he should. I still maintain the engagement, his feelings for her was a rebound affair, mixed in with the trauma of war. Because we've seen little of Matthew and Lavinia together at this point, it's tough to really know. But back to Mary, she not only withholds information on his fiancee, she compliments her. I bet Matthew believes Mary wants him to marry Lavinia.
Episode 4: This episode is much different than the previous 3. Mary sends Matthew a letter informing him that she will accept Carlisle. Matthew doesn't seem to really let it register, but at the same time, he doesn't let the information sink in either as he and William must go off and perform dangerous war duties. (My annoyance of the lack of Matthew development for S2 grows). We don't see him again until he suddenly shows up alive and well and SINGING at Downton. This moment is actually where Mary does let her guard down. She is so relieved to see Matthew alive she exposes those feelings for not just Matthew but for everyone to see. It even continues as he talks to her. After the concert she also can't hide her sadness at the mention of Lavinia's name and Matthew does pick up on it. But that is it. For five minutes, while surrounded by dozens of friends and strangers, he may see that Mary was worried about him more than she should have been. But I'm sorry, Matthew has learned the hard way in S1 not to get his hopes up where Mary is concerned. He can't go from "We are friends" to "OMG, she's secretly in love with me!" from this evidence alone. No doubt Mary returns to her seemingly obtuse ways. It breaks my heart that while trying to protect her own, she pushes him even further away.
Episode 5: This is it. The big big episode. Matthew is hurt! Crippled! He won't walk again! His penis won't work again! And he even has what looks like a little swastika drawn into his cheek from the blast! Mary spends much time nursing him. She's taking care of him in ways that surprise everyone (maybe even herself a little). I've read fans that are upset that Matthew doesn't spot how out of character this is for Mary. But let's look closer. When we first see him speaking alone to Mary, she's concerned but not overly so. If you pay close attention, you can tell the love is there at the surface (My God Michelle Dockery is awesome in this episode). But Matthew really can't pay close attention. First, he can't properly look at her, he's lying flat on his back. Second, I'm sure he's in great pain. Third, he realizes for the first time, he's not going to walk again. And fourth, Mary keeps bringing up Lavinia's name which forces him to think about his future with her. The next time Mary sits with him, he's in a deep depression. For the audience, who has watched Mary episode after episode, catches the double meaning in her words to him. But even if Matthew was in normal health, I don't think he actually would recognize what she is truly saying. And right now, he's not in normal health. He's in deep depression and probably more then embarressed to have her there with him while he's sick, smelling and impotent. I feel so sorry for him. It was mortifying enough when he thought he wasn't worthy of her back in 1914. Now he's just a shell of himself. If he's thinking anything, it's probably how relieved Mary is that she doesn't have to marry him now. Matthew has always put himself down whenever he was around Mary, but if that Matthew was a disappointment, this Matthew must be a true sea monster.
Episode 6: Carlisle is back, and we see how really controlling he is. But that's another blog. This may be the strongest argument over Matthew's lack of awareness where Mary is concerned. She continues as his nurse like she was born for it, and he doesn't really question it, even after her fiancee arrives. But it's still not that long since episode 5 and I think the depression is still there but now mixed in with survivor's guilt as he realizes William is dead because of him. Matthew was always someone who had no qualms doing things for himself. Remember how he seemed mortified to have his own valet? Now the situation is much much different. He can't take care of himself as of yet. And while his situation may improve as he learns the logistics of living this non mobile life, he knows some things he can never do. While his mind is occupied with this, Mary may hang around him, but that distance is back up. They talk briefly about Carlisle and whether she should marry him. That conversation is odd, as it seems to indicate Matthew knows she loves him. I think it just indicates he knows she doesn't love Carlisle. That's hardly a revelation, she looks bored with the old man everytime he stands near her. Matthew might believe he's her excuse NOT to hang out with her fiancee. I'm sure it saddens him that Mary hasn't found love in her life, but that wasn't so unusual back in the day, and it may give him solace to know she doesn't prefer Carlisle to him. One thing to note in this episode is it's probably the one time Mary shows her feelings for Matthew verbally, when she is upset on the theory Patrick may still be alive and how this makes Matthew feel. Why didn't Matthew pick up on that? He does call her "My dear" actually. If you consider the whole scene, if anyone is paying attention to everyone else in the room, nobody notices what she says (except of course Carlisle). They are all reeling from the news that Patrick may not just be alive, but he's this crippled man staying in Downton Abbey all this time. If nobody else picks up on it, why should we expect Matthew who is realizing that not only is he losing his manhood and independence, he's possibly losing Downton Abbey itself. No, Matthew as with everyone else, is too shocked to think about Mary's words and what is feeding them. It is a shocking announcement and a disturbing thought. Again, damn you, JF for not following up, allowing Matthew to consider what his future would be without Downton Abbey. I hate to say it, but this would have been an excellent opportunity to feed into guilt for Matthew later by letting Lavinia tell Matthew she doesn't care if he's earl or not, she will be with him every step of the way. If we witness such a scene, we can understand Matthew's inner battle of chucking Lavinia aside.
Episode 7: I love this episode. It's the first time that Matthew seems to be the one to drop his mask. When Mary brings up cutting her hair short, he unapologetically speaks his mind. Nothing seems to come from the conversation other than Violet gaining confidence in what she must do. Matthew can walk and we devote a big portion of his screen time to that. I was rather surprised we didn't get a small moment of Mary celebrating this. When she finds out, it's with everyone else and no great emphasis on her. Of course, the moment belongs to Matthew, but given JF's preference for Mary, I wouldn't have been surprised if she had been the focus on it at this time too. His announcement about the engagement is more about Mary's reaction. He doesn't pick up on it, she's way down on the other end of the table and may be hidden from view. An outcry from the fans comes along when Matthew talks of how Lavinia nursed him. What of Mary nursing him? Does he not remember, does it mean nothing to him? What we don't know is what does he think of Mary nursing him. I don't have evidence to this, but something tells me he believes Mary felt she HAD to nurse him, out of a duty to her family and him. Lavinia returned out of love for him. This is the way it appears to him, and we must remember this is probably how Mary WANTED it to appear to him. But we do have Violet, VIOLET, coming in and telling him that Mary loves him. His reaction is classic denial and avoidance. This has news to him, and as I outlined above, it is a shock to him! Mary loves him? THIS WHOLE TIME? Now his response is a duty to Lavinia not love. I find that interesting. From there, he goes to the drawing room and unfortunately JF chooses not to follow up with anything from Matthew's POV. The one minute the camera picks him up, he's trying to just continue with walking and his concentration probably must focus on that task alone. We don't know if he watches her the rest of the evening. We don't know how he responds to her as he moves out of Downton Abbey, back at Crawley house (How irritating). But we do see his reaction to the little dog, sometime later. And it shows, whether he means it or not, he's believing Violet's talk to him. Matthew doesn't break things off with Lavinia upon this news or when he comes to believe it. I don't think it's something an "honorable" man would do. Getting into an engagement back then was a big deal. And while there were reasons one could break things off, it didn't mean you were free to break things off at whim.
Episode 8: Why don't we just jump right into the obvious? The dance, the confession, the kiss, the OMG Mary totally had something in her eye right now. This is probably one of my biggest issues hearing Matthew complaints. Like he set out in this moment to break everyone's hearts. When Mary comes down the stairs, he's fiddling with that new machine that can produce music on command. He's listening to the songs he likes and now he can dance. There was a time he thought he wouldn't dance again. Mary showing up at that very moment inspires him to ask her to join him in what he probably very much wants to do just because he can do it. Should he have? Probably not. But he does and she agrees and after a moment or two, it's Mary, MARY, who brings up their relationship. "We were a show that flopped." That's all it takes. Matthew just seems to lose it here. Maybe it's because he is looking in her eyes. Maybe it's because he's actually touching her. Maybe it's because she's in that fabulous blue dress. But he lets it go and proceeds to tell her. Again, should he have done that? Noooooooo. But it's too late and once he gets going, he can't stop. And I can't blame him at this moment. Why? I've been there myself. A moment where I have to let what I'm feeling come out and once it starts, it builds up and before I know it I've said far more than I should have said. It's a very HUMAN moment and in spite of JF's pitfalls for S2, I can't complain of it here. It's just realistic to me. And though nothing is said to Lavinia when she interrupts them, what should they say? Everything society has taught them during this period is to ignore it. It's impolite to bring it up. It's not until later when Lavinia brings it up, but by then, she's dying. Lavinia does "release" Matthew from their engagement, and I don't think she realized how much worse she made his situation. She's fevered and dying, and only wishes to let him know "it's ok". Matthew must be in agony at this point. It's because of him that Lavinia is there. If it wasn't for him, she would never have come to Downton Abbey, never have left her family and her friends, never would have caught the flu and died. (Granted the epidemic could have reached her anywhere, but he won't be able to see that). And it was right before their wedding day. The guilt he must feel must be so overwhelming that it could have killed him. Seeing Mary now is just a reminder of that guilt and he is going to need time to overcome it. The Matthew I know, the Matthew I got to know in S1 has not left us. This is him. In S1, he actually was overcome with emotion over Pamuk's death and that had nothing to do with him! He felt guilty over William's death which was nothing he could control. But he could have controlled this, Lavinia didn't have to die. She didn't have to be brought there. This is his mindset and it's not going to just go away easily. When he speaks to Mary at the grave, he is not blaming Mary. He's blaming himself, that his behavior with Mary has resulted in the death of an innocent person. After the war, after his injuries, after his walking and now after Lavinia's death this is his reaction. And I can't blame him for it.
So the above is my defense of Matthew. There are probably holes in it and I am fine with debating the topic but I will make a confession for the other side. While I don't think Matthew is any more to blame for the current situation than Mary is for failing to accept him in S1, I do think JF is. He could have easily written in a line here or there, a scene devoted to Matthew that lays out his feelings clearer. A slight misunderstanding between Mary and Matthew such as Matthew worrying about Mary over something, possibly in regards to why she is choosing a man like Carlisle. Mary can only take so much from Matthew and in order to protect herself and keep up appearances she cuts him off, maybe snaps at him. The audience would know why Mary did it, but Matthew will believe it's because she isn't interested in hearing his opinion or it's unwelcome. It would echo the moment from S1E5 where he misunderstands her sudden new interest in Sir Anthony and walks away rejected. This could have been so easily done and allowed a bit more sympathy and understanding for Matthew's side. But JF failed to act on such moments. Hopefully much will be corrected when we get to Christmas.
Episode 1: This marks the return of Matthew. It's been at least 2 years since Mary has seen him. He's been to war and now gotten himself engaged. He's moved on. When he steps into Downton Abbey for that benefit concert, he's with fiancee, Lavinia, a woman he is sure loves him for who he is. He can't say the same for Mary. That first moment he speaks to her, during introductions to Lavinia, this is probably the coldest Matthew is to her. After the concert, they seem to make up. Mary is all smiles and talks of friendship again. Matthew relaxes. When he leaves to go back to the front, Mary meets him at the train station. She has a present for him and Matthew seems to finally be at a relief. They are friends again. That is how he looks at it. And while he could possibly ponder the underlying meaning of Mary waking up so early, Mary giving him a lucky charm, Mary kissing him on the cheek before he goes, all of this takes a backseat to where he is going: war. A place he's been before and knows too well. He probably thinks he won't return.
Episode 2: The next time Matthew sees Mary is with Carlisle now making his presence clear. From his perspective, Mary is moving on (though he might have guessed she did so the minute he walked out of the garden party). We see very little of Matthew around Carlisle. One of the few "Non Mary" moments happens to Matthew in this episode, as he comments on the soldiers coming to Downton. The maimed and crippled, and he now realizes that war brings a whole new fear. I believe, for the first time, he suddenly realizes that death may not be the worst that can happen to him. Oh, how I wish JF had gotten more into this from Matthew's perspective, but that would have taken up much of Moseley's screen time. (/sarcasm) But the point of the episode is for Mary to consider telling Matthew her feelings. Obviously she doesn't, and again, Matthew's POV simply notices how friendly Mary has gotten with Lavinia. Why should Matthew possibly suspect Mary is in a hell over him?
Episode 3: Matthew shows up to the surprise of all at DA. I do notice how he follows Mary around a bit too much here. (I love it). The earlier episodes he seemed to keep a proper distance between he and Mary but not so in the moment. Is this because the spontaneous nature of the visit kept his guard down and those buried feelings are coming out? It really doesn't matter, it's such a short scene you can argue it anyway you want. But as with all previous scenes, Mary has that mask up. She's her usual flippant and witty self, but they speak of the war effort and nothing of consequence. Most of the episode revolves around Lavinia's secret, which Mary finds out but honorably does not tell Matthew. The fact Matthew seems eager for the information is interesting. I don't think it means he's necessarily looking for an out of the relationship, but more on maybe realizing he doesn't know Lavinia as well as he should. I still maintain the engagement, his feelings for her was a rebound affair, mixed in with the trauma of war. Because we've seen little of Matthew and Lavinia together at this point, it's tough to really know. But back to Mary, she not only withholds information on his fiancee, she compliments her. I bet Matthew believes Mary wants him to marry Lavinia.
Episode 4: This episode is much different than the previous 3. Mary sends Matthew a letter informing him that she will accept Carlisle. Matthew doesn't seem to really let it register, but at the same time, he doesn't let the information sink in either as he and William must go off and perform dangerous war duties. (My annoyance of the lack of Matthew development for S2 grows). We don't see him again until he suddenly shows up alive and well and SINGING at Downton. This moment is actually where Mary does let her guard down. She is so relieved to see Matthew alive she exposes those feelings for not just Matthew but for everyone to see. It even continues as he talks to her. After the concert she also can't hide her sadness at the mention of Lavinia's name and Matthew does pick up on it. But that is it. For five minutes, while surrounded by dozens of friends and strangers, he may see that Mary was worried about him more than she should have been. But I'm sorry, Matthew has learned the hard way in S1 not to get his hopes up where Mary is concerned. He can't go from "We are friends" to "OMG, she's secretly in love with me!" from this evidence alone. No doubt Mary returns to her seemingly obtuse ways. It breaks my heart that while trying to protect her own, she pushes him even further away.
Episode 5: This is it. The big big episode. Matthew is hurt! Crippled! He won't walk again! His penis won't work again! And he even has what looks like a little swastika drawn into his cheek from the blast! Mary spends much time nursing him. She's taking care of him in ways that surprise everyone (maybe even herself a little). I've read fans that are upset that Matthew doesn't spot how out of character this is for Mary. But let's look closer. When we first see him speaking alone to Mary, she's concerned but not overly so. If you pay close attention, you can tell the love is there at the surface (My God Michelle Dockery is awesome in this episode). But Matthew really can't pay close attention. First, he can't properly look at her, he's lying flat on his back. Second, I'm sure he's in great pain. Third, he realizes for the first time, he's not going to walk again. And fourth, Mary keeps bringing up Lavinia's name which forces him to think about his future with her. The next time Mary sits with him, he's in a deep depression. For the audience, who has watched Mary episode after episode, catches the double meaning in her words to him. But even if Matthew was in normal health, I don't think he actually would recognize what she is truly saying. And right now, he's not in normal health. He's in deep depression and probably more then embarressed to have her there with him while he's sick, smelling and impotent. I feel so sorry for him. It was mortifying enough when he thought he wasn't worthy of her back in 1914. Now he's just a shell of himself. If he's thinking anything, it's probably how relieved Mary is that she doesn't have to marry him now. Matthew has always put himself down whenever he was around Mary, but if that Matthew was a disappointment, this Matthew must be a true sea monster.
Episode 6: Carlisle is back, and we see how really controlling he is. But that's another blog. This may be the strongest argument over Matthew's lack of awareness where Mary is concerned. She continues as his nurse like she was born for it, and he doesn't really question it, even after her fiancee arrives. But it's still not that long since episode 5 and I think the depression is still there but now mixed in with survivor's guilt as he realizes William is dead because of him. Matthew was always someone who had no qualms doing things for himself. Remember how he seemed mortified to have his own valet? Now the situation is much much different. He can't take care of himself as of yet. And while his situation may improve as he learns the logistics of living this non mobile life, he knows some things he can never do. While his mind is occupied with this, Mary may hang around him, but that distance is back up. They talk briefly about Carlisle and whether she should marry him. That conversation is odd, as it seems to indicate Matthew knows she loves him. I think it just indicates he knows she doesn't love Carlisle. That's hardly a revelation, she looks bored with the old man everytime he stands near her. Matthew might believe he's her excuse NOT to hang out with her fiancee. I'm sure it saddens him that Mary hasn't found love in her life, but that wasn't so unusual back in the day, and it may give him solace to know she doesn't prefer Carlisle to him. One thing to note in this episode is it's probably the one time Mary shows her feelings for Matthew verbally, when she is upset on the theory Patrick may still be alive and how this makes Matthew feel. Why didn't Matthew pick up on that? He does call her "My dear" actually. If you consider the whole scene, if anyone is paying attention to everyone else in the room, nobody notices what she says (except of course Carlisle). They are all reeling from the news that Patrick may not just be alive, but he's this crippled man staying in Downton Abbey all this time. If nobody else picks up on it, why should we expect Matthew who is realizing that not only is he losing his manhood and independence, he's possibly losing Downton Abbey itself. No, Matthew as with everyone else, is too shocked to think about Mary's words and what is feeding them. It is a shocking announcement and a disturbing thought. Again, damn you, JF for not following up, allowing Matthew to consider what his future would be without Downton Abbey. I hate to say it, but this would have been an excellent opportunity to feed into guilt for Matthew later by letting Lavinia tell Matthew she doesn't care if he's earl or not, she will be with him every step of the way. If we witness such a scene, we can understand Matthew's inner battle of chucking Lavinia aside.
Episode 7: I love this episode. It's the first time that Matthew seems to be the one to drop his mask. When Mary brings up cutting her hair short, he unapologetically speaks his mind. Nothing seems to come from the conversation other than Violet gaining confidence in what she must do. Matthew can walk and we devote a big portion of his screen time to that. I was rather surprised we didn't get a small moment of Mary celebrating this. When she finds out, it's with everyone else and no great emphasis on her. Of course, the moment belongs to Matthew, but given JF's preference for Mary, I wouldn't have been surprised if she had been the focus on it at this time too. His announcement about the engagement is more about Mary's reaction. He doesn't pick up on it, she's way down on the other end of the table and may be hidden from view. An outcry from the fans comes along when Matthew talks of how Lavinia nursed him. What of Mary nursing him? Does he not remember, does it mean nothing to him? What we don't know is what does he think of Mary nursing him. I don't have evidence to this, but something tells me he believes Mary felt she HAD to nurse him, out of a duty to her family and him. Lavinia returned out of love for him. This is the way it appears to him, and we must remember this is probably how Mary WANTED it to appear to him. But we do have Violet, VIOLET, coming in and telling him that Mary loves him. His reaction is classic denial and avoidance. This has news to him, and as I outlined above, it is a shock to him! Mary loves him? THIS WHOLE TIME? Now his response is a duty to Lavinia not love. I find that interesting. From there, he goes to the drawing room and unfortunately JF chooses not to follow up with anything from Matthew's POV. The one minute the camera picks him up, he's trying to just continue with walking and his concentration probably must focus on that task alone. We don't know if he watches her the rest of the evening. We don't know how he responds to her as he moves out of Downton Abbey, back at Crawley house (How irritating). But we do see his reaction to the little dog, sometime later. And it shows, whether he means it or not, he's believing Violet's talk to him. Matthew doesn't break things off with Lavinia upon this news or when he comes to believe it. I don't think it's something an "honorable" man would do. Getting into an engagement back then was a big deal. And while there were reasons one could break things off, it didn't mean you were free to break things off at whim.
Episode 8: Why don't we just jump right into the obvious? The dance, the confession, the kiss, the OMG Mary totally had something in her eye right now. This is probably one of my biggest issues hearing Matthew complaints. Like he set out in this moment to break everyone's hearts. When Mary comes down the stairs, he's fiddling with that new machine that can produce music on command. He's listening to the songs he likes and now he can dance. There was a time he thought he wouldn't dance again. Mary showing up at that very moment inspires him to ask her to join him in what he probably very much wants to do just because he can do it. Should he have? Probably not. But he does and she agrees and after a moment or two, it's Mary, MARY, who brings up their relationship. "We were a show that flopped." That's all it takes. Matthew just seems to lose it here. Maybe it's because he is looking in her eyes. Maybe it's because he's actually touching her. Maybe it's because she's in that fabulous blue dress. But he lets it go and proceeds to tell her. Again, should he have done that? Noooooooo. But it's too late and once he gets going, he can't stop. And I can't blame him at this moment. Why? I've been there myself. A moment where I have to let what I'm feeling come out and once it starts, it builds up and before I know it I've said far more than I should have said. It's a very HUMAN moment and in spite of JF's pitfalls for S2, I can't complain of it here. It's just realistic to me. And though nothing is said to Lavinia when she interrupts them, what should they say? Everything society has taught them during this period is to ignore it. It's impolite to bring it up. It's not until later when Lavinia brings it up, but by then, she's dying. Lavinia does "release" Matthew from their engagement, and I don't think she realized how much worse she made his situation. She's fevered and dying, and only wishes to let him know "it's ok". Matthew must be in agony at this point. It's because of him that Lavinia is there. If it wasn't for him, she would never have come to Downton Abbey, never have left her family and her friends, never would have caught the flu and died. (Granted the epidemic could have reached her anywhere, but he won't be able to see that). And it was right before their wedding day. The guilt he must feel must be so overwhelming that it could have killed him. Seeing Mary now is just a reminder of that guilt and he is going to need time to overcome it. The Matthew I know, the Matthew I got to know in S1 has not left us. This is him. In S1, he actually was overcome with emotion over Pamuk's death and that had nothing to do with him! He felt guilty over William's death which was nothing he could control. But he could have controlled this, Lavinia didn't have to die. She didn't have to be brought there. This is his mindset and it's not going to just go away easily. When he speaks to Mary at the grave, he is not blaming Mary. He's blaming himself, that his behavior with Mary has resulted in the death of an innocent person. After the war, after his injuries, after his walking and now after Lavinia's death this is his reaction. And I can't blame him for it.
So the above is my defense of Matthew. There are probably holes in it and I am fine with debating the topic but I will make a confession for the other side. While I don't think Matthew is any more to blame for the current situation than Mary is for failing to accept him in S1, I do think JF is. He could have easily written in a line here or there, a scene devoted to Matthew that lays out his feelings clearer. A slight misunderstanding between Mary and Matthew such as Matthew worrying about Mary over something, possibly in regards to why she is choosing a man like Carlisle. Mary can only take so much from Matthew and in order to protect herself and keep up appearances she cuts him off, maybe snaps at him. The audience would know why Mary did it, but Matthew will believe it's because she isn't interested in hearing his opinion or it's unwelcome. It would echo the moment from S1E5 where he misunderstands her sudden new interest in Sir Anthony and walks away rejected. This could have been so easily done and allowed a bit more sympathy and understanding for Matthew's side. But JF failed to act on such moments. Hopefully much will be corrected when we get to Christmas.